The Portal of KD7TYY

Contemplation

2011-11-03T21:45:00.000-07:00

Call me crazy, and I know a few of you will, but I have a tendency to take on characteristics of characters from TV shows I watch. For instance, anytime I watched an episode of Stargate Atlantis that featured Rodney McKay, which was most of them, I found myself talking really, really fast and using very large words. Now, as one of the characters from my current TV show is contemplating his life, it makes me begin to contemplate mine.

I don't think many of you will know this, since I've only told some friends, a few coworkers, and my uncle, but I have recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Which explains a LOT. The weird thing is, when I started the medication that my doctor prescribed me, the bipolar went crazy! Trust me, you have never had mood swings until you've been put on a mood stabilizer. Just the name makes me laugh at the irony. I think what happens is that the medication sends to you the highest high it can get you to and lowest low so that it can slowly make that roller coaster even out. So I blame the fact that I randomly started crying nonstop during church a few weeks ago on that crazy fact. And all the hyperness that I've been feeling is probably because of that as well.

Anyway, what I have realized during the initial diagnostic process and since then as well, is that I don't actually know what it feels like to be normal. It's an odd realization. When my doctor asked me what the most irrational thing I'd ever done, something that just didn't seem like me, was, I couldn't really answer him. Because nothing doesn't really seem like me. I suppose I've had to be more logical than most people since I get sudden urges to do random things like just jump in a car and drive as far as I can, if only to see where I end up. But I don't ever do them. Because I know it doesn't make sense. And I don't have the money for gas so I'd end up stranded on the side of the road somewhere with no cell service and completely lost at the same time, with my luck. :) But the point is, I don't think I'm even going to know if my medication is working or if I'm simply in a slightly manic state where I feel like I might be normal. I literally do not know what normal feels like. Does that make me crazy?

I was talking to my Dad about this, since he had the unfortunate experience of being the one that saw me crying for absolutely no reason at church, and he quoted my brother. "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." I responded that I didn't. He said that was obvious. Am I actually insane, or does realizing that I can't do this by myself, getting on medication and talking to a therapist prove that I'm not?

I don't honestly know if I know the answer to that. I know that my job helps me feel a little better about life, since I'm hardly ever bored and am learning a lot. But I'm scared that I'll end up feeling stagnant again. I always do, in every job I've ever had. What does that say about me? That I learn too quickly, or just get bored too easily?

As I'm sure you can tell, my life is a little weird right now. I guess there's a lot of stuff that I can talk to my new therapist about next Tuesday. But I hope that normalcy is close. Never take a working brain for granted. Having a chemical imbalance there is no fun at all.

New Job!

2011-09-07T17:33:00.000-07:00

Finally!
I started my new job today. It was fantastic! I absolutely loved it. It was a little overwhelming with how much information there was to soak up, but I know that I'll pick it all up really fast. I'm really looking forward to being able to learn everything I can about Dermatology. One of the things I'll be doing is training on the Laser Hair Removal laser, which I think will just be awesome. I got to help with a laser treatment today (not hair removal) and it was just fascinating. I also got to help out with a couple of surgeries for the first time ever. Good thing i can handle the sight of blood and the smell of cauterization! It wasn't that strong, or that bad. If that's the worst there is, I'll be absolutely fine. It's probably not, though and I look forward to seeing more.
I'm really looking forward to moving up there in January. It will be nice to not have to drive almost an hour in rush hour traffic to get to and from work. Plus, my car will prefer it as well.
I wish I could go into details about my job some more, but that doesn't really work in the Medical field. Oh well. I'll just say it's the coolest ever! I'm so excited!

NaNoWriMo

2011-07-09T23:54:00.000-07:00

There is, perhaps a problem with getting ready for NaNoWriMo too early, because now I want to work on my novel right now, instead of waiting to work on it in August or November. For those of you who do not know, NaNoWriMo, is short for National Novel Writing Month. You are supposed to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. That's 1,667 words per day.
With the novel I have laid out for myself, that shouldn't be too difficult. I imagine I might even get extra words as I have extra scenes ready.
And so it sits there, taunting me. Telling me, Start now! Start while I'm fresh on your mind. Start before you get a job and have no time!
And it has many valid points. I do think that if I started now that I could catch up with those doing July's NaNoWriMo. But the more I delay, the less likely that is. They are already supposed to be at 13,000 words. And I'm at 0. So what should I do? Start now and pray I make it, or wait until August and pray I have enough time to make it?

The month of May

2011-06-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

Wow! What an exciting month May was! Graduation, and California! Good times.

May actually started out fairly boring. At least compared to the rest of the month. I hung out with my new friend Sam a lot. She just moved from California at the end of April and I was her first Utah friend. It's a bit of a culture shock for her, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Anyway, she hadn't been able to bring all of her things on her trip here, since she flew, and therefore needed to go back and get them. Unfortunately, due to some medical issues, she is unable to drive. So she either needed to take several plane rides back and forth, or she needed someone to drive her there so she could pick up all of her things.

Cue me! I love to drive and desperately wanted to get out the state for a little while. So we decided that she, another friend of mine, and I would drive over and get her stuff. And so Sam decided to make a vacation of it. She bought three tickets for Sea World, San Diego Zoo, Disneyland, and California Adventure park. We went through AAA and bought a five city pass, so it didn't cost as much as it would separately. After desperately looking around for a car we could take so we wouldn't have to spend $500 on a rental car, Justin's parents said we could use their jeep. so we were ready to go!

But there were a few things to do first. Like go to the midnight showing of Pirates 4 completely dressed up. It was so much fun! The movie is awesome and we all looked AMAZING!

On May 21st, 2011, I graduated from the Medical Assistant program at Provo College with high honors, meaning I got a 3.85 GPA. All of the other students in my class were shocked when they learned that I'd never gotten that high of a GPA before. I was incredibly proud of myself. Especially my 4.0 in one of my terms. It's amazing what you can do when you decide to do it.

Grandma and Grandpa were able to make it up for my graduation, which I was incredibly grateful for. My cousin on my Dad's side was getting married in Richfield at the exact same time, so no one on that side was able to make it up. But the twins and Mom and Dad were there, along with Sam and another friend, Rachelle. It was so great to celebrate with everyone. After graduation, we went to Nicolitalia's for lunch. For those of you who haven't been there, may I suggest it now. It's one of Dad's and my favorite places. So Good! The rest of the day was spent getting ready to leave for California the next day.

And leave we did. We made really good time, making it to San Diego by about 9 CA time that night. And that was after we spent a good two hours in Las Vegas! We went to the top of the Stratosphere. No, we did NOT go on the crazy roller coaster or the see saw that's on top of the building. Nor did we feel the need to jump off. But I did watch a couple of the people who did. Maybe someday I will have the nerve to do that, but not yet.

San Diego was awesome. We went to Sea World on Monday. I enjoyed it a lot, especially the dolphins, even if i didn't get to touch one. That was not for the lack of trying though, I assure you. Next time I go, I'm going to make sure I saved enough money that I can do the "swimming with the dolphins" thing. That looked cool.

The dolphin show was very cool, if a little cheesy. And Shamu was really fun to watch. I was a little confused though. There were three whales. Are they all named Shamu?

Monday night we ate at the Cheesecake factory. Can I just say, YUM! Best pizza I have EVER tasted. Justin enjoyed his meal as well, and Sam was impressed by how they altered her food to fit with the gluten-free diet she has to be on. the manager even came out to make sure he knew her exact restrictions.

Tuesday we went to San Diego Zoo. It was so much fun to see all of those animals, most of which I've never seen in real life before. I know, can you call a zoo "real life"? But it's more real life than pictures or movies, so I was happy. Sam insisted we see the rhinos, as they are her favorite. They didn't look the way I thought rhinos looked, but I guess that's what I get for only seeing them in pictures and movies!

That evening we were able to meet up with my Aunt and Uncle who live down there. It was so much fun to see them! I don't get to nearly as much as I'd like, due to the fact that they live thirteen hours away. They bought us all ice cream and we visited for a while. Then we said goodbye and headed up the coast to Anaheim.

Darth Vader was there! They were filming this commercial while we were there.

Rapunzel!!! my favorite princess!

I tried. It didn't work. :(

This is the awesome family we met while we were there!

Check out how cute Sam is in her ears!

Disneyland was AMAZING! Sam wanted to make sure Justin and I got the full experience, since he'd never been and I hadn't been since I was six. So she booked breakfast our first day at the Plaza Inn. A lot of Characters were wandering around the restaurant, sitting down with the diners and letting people take pictures. Either Chip of Dale (I can't tell the apart) sat with us for a while and wanted to "drink" Sam's chocolate milk. But he couldn't get the lid off without help. So Justin took the lid off and the chipmunk pretended to drink it. We got pictures with Tigger, Minnie Mouse, Eeyore, Geppetto, and more. And breakfast was delicious and filling. It was great.

I can't even remember what all we did that day. Sam had gotten us reservations at a restaurant called the Blue Bayou for dinner. It sits on the bank of the river that the Pirate's ride is on, so you get to watch people go past while eating. That had been the first ride we went on that morning, and she pointed out to us where we would be eating.

The next day we spent most of the day in Disneyland again, hopping over to California Adventure Park for dinner where we had reservations at "Ariel's Grotto". Sam discovered Tapioca bread there, and loved it! She was so excited to find some bread she could have. I had delicious mashed potatoes and steak. After dinner, we got a really good spot for watching the World of Color. It was beautiful! It's a water show.

Sam won!

Both parks closed early that night for Senior night, where all the high school students got the parks to themselves for a few hours. By this time we were exhausted so we went back to the hotel and went to bed – after Justin and Sam had their nightly pillow fight, of course.

The last day we went to California Adventure park first, and went on some of the rides. “Soarin’ over California” was really cool, and the “Tower of Terror” was probably my favorite ride, even if it did put me off elevators for the rest of the trip. I wanted to get a shirt that said “Tower of Terror – I survived”, but I didn’t when we were in the “hotel lobby”. I was thinking it would be at the shop at the front of the park, or even in Disney Downtown. But it wasn’t. So, I guess I’ll have to go again!

Saturday, we went to Disney Downtown to get anything else we wanted, and then headed to LA for a My Chemical Romance concert. It was pretty cool, even if it wasn’t exactly my thing. Justin and Sam absolutely loved it. At one in the morning, after the concert ended, we got back into the car and headed further up the coast for the last stop on our agenda. San Jose. It was a 6 hour drive. I drove most of it, since Justin was absolutely drained, and I had gotten a nap earlier. We got in at about 7 am, only to find that they had given our room away and hour earlier. Luckily, since San Jose is where Sam lived up until a month ago, she had somewhere we could crash until they had a room for us. I was picked up for church, being the only one even remotely awake, and dropped off at the hotel, as they had cleaned a room for us while I was gone.

We were going to go to San Francisco on Monday, but it was Memorial Day and the traffic was insane. So we spent the day in, and went and visited a few of Sam’s friends.

The drive home seemed longer than the one there, and perhaps it was. We got back to Orem at about 1:30, unpacked the Jeep, and went to bed.

And that was the last day of May. Hope I entertained you with my month. I kept myself entertained pretty well. :D

A Bit of a Rant

2011-04-05T22:35:00.000-07:00

I quit my job.

There. I said it, it's now officially public knowledge. I no longer work at the Center for Change and haven't for a week and a half. March 26th was my last day there. And here's the story as to why.

I went into this term hot headed and bold. I was going to prove to everyone that I could do school, my externship, and work, all at the same time and without falling behind in my studies.

I was fooling myself.

The first week of the term was boring. All I had was work and school. I hadn't started my externship yet.

The second week was interesting. All I had was school and my externship, and I was loving it already.

The third week was when I realized that the load I had put on myself couldn't be done.

Working 14 hours both Monday and Wednesday and 12 hours Tuesday and Thursday just about killed me. I knew on Wednesday when, for the first time, I was dreading going to work later that day, that this wasn't going to work.

That knowledge grew as I fell behind in my homework - not far enough to get bad grades, but far enough to know that it wouldn't take much to get to that point - and I knew. I knew what I had to do.

So I e-mailed my supervisor. I gave her my two week notice (which was actually two and a half weeks) and let her know the last day that I'd be working. I explained my situation and the Center let me go. But both my supervisor and the HR head called me to say good-bye. I was amazed to find that I was actually going to miss it a little. I'd made friends, I had figured out the system. They had to hire two new employees to replace me.

But I knew I was doing what was best for me.

Before I left the Center for Change, my chest would hurt slightly almost constantly. For the two weeks that I had all three things, it felt as though someone had stuck a knife through my chest and just left it there, embedded deeply enough that I couldn't do anything about it. I can't count the number of times my mom popped my back, hoping that would help. I even got a massage and a CT scan, hoping that those would do something. But to no avail. The pain was constant, though there was nothing wrong with my chest physically.

Then I left the Center. I determined to spend more time studying and a bit of time everyday just completely relaxing, praying that my mom was right and the stress was what was causing my pain. In the past week and a half, the pain has lessened so incredibly that I'm shocked. Obviously, it was stress, and my body doesn't handle stress nearly as well as I thought it did.

I'm also surprised at how much easier studying for my exam is when I'm not trying to cram it in between patients while at my externship or between classes at school. I took a practice exam today and scored a 94%! I have to get a 70% to pass. Obviously, I still have to study, but it gives me hope that even though I didn't get as good of a start on studying as I maybe should have, I still have a good chance of passing. After all, I passed my ham radio exam didn't I? And I understand this stuff WAY more than I did that!

So if you see me relaxing in front of the TV, playing solitaire, or going to a movie with my friends; don't wonder why I'm not studying. Be glad I'm relaxing so that I can concentrate to do so when the time comes. Because trust me, it's very hard to concentrate on anything when your chest hurts that badly.

Daily Challenge

2011-03-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

So, I found on Facebook an ad for something about health. Now, I don't normally click on ads, but it looked remotely interesting, so I did. It took me to a site that gives people small daily challenges and you get points when you do them. The challenges I've done include: Check you pillow for proper firmness, Replace a sugary snack with a fruit, Do an L shaped stretch (feet straight in front of you, lean over them), Tackle junk mail by opting out of a mailing list, Get a pair of UV protection sunglasses. But my favorite so far was today's. Make an Emergency ID card. They have a link to a ready made card format that all you have to do is fill out with your info. You can find it here. I'd never even thought to do this! And I'm in the medical profession. So I've filled mine out and want to do one for everyone in my family as well. You should do it, and maybe even join me in the daily challenges. I love it! I don't usually promote Facebook apps, but this one I actually believe can help you instead of hindering you like all the games they have.

"Mormonism"

2011-01-30T15:38:00.000-08:00

Ah, the ever heatedly debated subject. Is there a more controversial issue out there? Because if there is, I’d like to know about it.

This article was in this morning’s newspaper. When I went to read the comics, my eyes lit on this and I read it instead. Now, those of you who know me, know that I'm not that much into contention. I'll argue something if I feel I'm right, but only to a point. When I find that I can't convince someone, I generally just give up and move on.

There is, however, one point in which I will never do this. There is one thing that I will argue to the last, not in contention, but in fact, because it's the very basis of what I believe. And that is the LDS church's stand on who Jesus Christ is. on whether or not we are Christian.

I tell you right now, blatantly and bluntly that we ARE! The name of the church is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We would not name our church after a man we didn't believe was the most important man ever to walk this planet or any other.

He is our Savior, Lord, and Redeemer. But more than that. He is MY Savior, Lord, and Redeemer. Without Him, I would be lost, and I know everyone else in this world would be as well. I cannot think of Him without feeling an overwhelming degree of gratitude, love, and joy.

So don't tell me I'm not Christian.

We do not "consider" ourselves to be Christian, as the man in this article states. We ARE Christian. After all, what makes a Christian a Christian? Dictionary.com defines it as "a person who believes in Jesus Christ; adherent of Christianity, a person who exemplifies in his or her life the teachings of Christ".

I assure you that "Mormons" fall under that category.

I love hearing about other religions. I find it interesting to learn exactly what other people believe from their perspective. As far as I'm concerned, it's the only way TO learn what other faiths teach. What better way to learn what someone believes than to ask them and have them tell you?

In other words, I would never ask a Jew what a Buddhist believes. That just seems silly. So when trying to find out what a "Mormon" believes, I suggest you ask a "Mormon". Mormon.org, for instance is a fantastic website for just such a pursuit, because you'll actually get a true answer, not something from someone who has either been sadly misinformed, as I believe most people out there are, or are actively trying to bring the "Mormon" church down.

You want to know what we believe? Read our book. If that isn't proof of our devotion and love for our Savior, I don't know what is. The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. How many out there know the full name of the book? It stands along side the Bible in proclaiming to the world that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Redeemer. It's purpose is to "the convincing of the Jew and Gentile that Jesus is the Christ, the Eternal God, manifesting himself unto all nations". The book is true. I know it is.

The biggest controversy in the article I linked to was about Joseph Smith. For those who don't know who that is, he was the founder of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You can hear of his experience in how that came about, from his own words, here. If the Book of Mormon is true, and I know it is, then Joseph Smith was a true prophet, because he brought forth a book from God. One cannot be true without the other being true also.

I believe the best way to put this is how President Gordon B. Hinckley, former President of the LDS church put it. I'll only summarize his talk, but the full talk can be found here.

"Joseph’s story of the gold plates was fantastic. It was hard to believe and easy to challenge. Could he have written it of his own capacity? It is here, my brothers and sisters, for everyone to see, to handle, to read. Every attempt to explain its origin, other than that which he gave, has fallen of its own weight. He was largely unschooled; and yet, in a very brief time, he brought forth the translation which in published form comes to more than 500 pages. . . Through all of these years critics have tried to explain it. They have spoken against it. They have ridiculed it. But it has outlived them all, and its influence today is greater than at any time in its history. . . To you, this day, I affirm my witness of the calling of the Prophet Joseph, of his works, of the sealing of his testimony with his blood as a martyr to the eternal truth. Each of you can bear witness of the same thing."

That's powerful. It's amazing. And if it wasn't true, who would dare make such a fantastic story up?

If you want to know what we believe, there you have it. That's my testimony. For the world to see. Ridicule it, admire it, I don't care. It's what I know to be true. And nothing anyone says or argues will EVER change that fact.

Publishing Portals

2011-01-23T19:37:00.000-08:00

I think it's finally going to happen. I am going to be able to publish my novel. The novel I've been working on for the last 12 years. As I think back on how it began, I can't help but laugh. And marvel. I started it in seventh grade with dreams of turning it into a movie. In eighth grade, though it wasn't really finished, I started making it into a screen play. I'm not sure when it began to be the book it is now, but I do know that sometime between junior high and now, I decided that the entire thing was so cheesy it wasn't funny, and that it needed to just be rewritten. While I was deciding that, I wrote the second novel in the series, which I entitled "The Man in the Attic". I finished that book. And have since started completely over, as it was really cheesy as well.

Am I doomed to write every novel twice?

But now, I've finished Portals for the second time, oddly enough the last line is the same as the original, at least I had that right, and I'm on the editing stage. I and two of my friends sat on the couch for five hours a few days ago and got through the Prologue. Which was only 490 words long. It ended up being 587 words long by the end of the night. We went through it word by word, sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph, trying to make sure it was exactly what I wanted. It is much better than it was before, but I had no idea that this process would take quite as long as it did. I suppose it didn't help that we are three best friends and prone to go on tangents.

The knowledge that I've made it this far is incredible. My dream of being published is details and money away.

Trust the Scrubs

2011-01-20T17:26:00.000-08:00

I took my car to the shop today. It always takes a little while, so I headed over to DI to pass the time until they called. First I headed over to the book section and found a book that looked interesting. I took it to the furniture section and sat down on a green couch. I read some, fell asleep, woke up, gave up on reading, and went to wander the store.

As usual when I go to DI, I headed over to the scrubs section. As I got there, a little girl, who was all alone, looked up at me and said something completely incomprehensible. I must admit, I'm not that great with kids, so I just stared at her, then turned to the scrubs and started looking through them. She left for a short time, then came back and said something again. This time I understood the word 'mommy'. Again I glanced around and actually realized that she was alone. So I asked her where her mommy was. She didn't know.

So, sighing, I suggested that we go find her mommy. She was all for that idea and grabbed my hand. I figured I would take her to the front of the store where they could make an announcement that she was there. Halfway to the front, she suddenly yelled "there!", let go of my hand and ran up to a cart with a woman standing next to it. I was expecting her to get her mom's attention or something. Instead, she reached up, got a soft drink out of the cart, and started drinking it. I had to laugh.

I reflected later on why she was so trusting to take my hand automatically. Maybe she's just like that, in which case, I'm a little concerned for her well being. I was obviously not going to do anything to her, but there are those who would.

But, perhaps her mother had taught her, or she just figured instinctively, I'm not sure, that people in scrubs can be trusted. She didn't go to anyone else after I basically shooed her away, instead came back to me. I never realized that this outfit could bring so much respect from one so young.

Officially Weird!

2010-11-29T21:20:00.000-08:00

Yep, that's right! I am officially weird.
I came across this knowledge a few weeks ago when I was called into the Provo police department to answer some questions about a robbery. No, it was not me that was robbed; I was called in to see if I had done it! Those of you who know me are likely laughing right now. The thought of me robbing someone is pretty hilarious.
BUT! The point is that I was hooked up to a computer that would measure my voice patterns and it would tell the detective whether I was lying or not. He started out informing me that this was a fool-proof system and was always accurate. I didn't know it at the time, but I was about to prove him wrong.
It started out fairly normal. He informed me of all the questions that he would ask me and made sure I knew the answers. This would get rid of any nerves I might have, he informed me. Of course, right then, I wasn't nervous. I was quite excited. This would be such a cool experience.
And then, he hooked me up. First he told me to say yes. Then he told me to say no. Then he told me to say no again. And yes again, and no again. It went on for a little bit like that. Apparently the computer was telling him that I was lying. I'm not sure how I was doing that considering I wasn't actually answering a question yet.
Finally he started in on the questions. He told me he would ask me nine questions; two of them would be pertinent, and two I was to lie on.
So, first question. "Is your name Julie Ann?" Yes. The machine said I was telling the truth. Oh good. I would be concerned if I didn't know my own name.
Second question. "Is this table brown?" (It was; this was a question I was to lie on) No. The machine said I was telling the truth. Mostly.
Third question. "Are we in Provo?" (we were) Yes. The machine said I was lying. Mostly.
Fourth question. "Did you take the jewelry?" (he expounded and said exact names, but I won't on here.) No. The machine said I was lying. Mostly.
Fifth question. "Is it Monday?" (it was) Yes. The machine said I was telling the truth. Mostly. The graph looked a lot like the one where I had lied about the table. This was looking interesting.
Sixth question. "Do I know where the jewelry is?" No. The machine said I was lying.
Seventh question. "Is it November?" (it was) Yes. The machine said I was telling the truth. Mostly.
Eighth question. "Have you ever driven over the speed limit?" (those who know me are now laughing really hard, because I was told to lie) No. The machine said I was definitely lying. Oh good, it got something right.
Ninth question. "Am I wearing a watch?" (he was) Yes. the machine said I was telling the truth. Mostly. Again, it looked a lot like the table question.
So we went through the questions again, hoping to get a clear reading. It was similar. And again. That time it decided I was mostly telling the truth on question six. By this time, I actually was nervous. I hadn't done it, but the "always accurate" system was basically saying that I did. Crap.
The detective finally told me that he'd never seen these kind of results in someone who wasn't trying to hide something, but he didn't think I'd done it. Due to all other circumstances, e.g. my background and pawn checks, and how open I'd been, he was pretty much convinced that I was innocent. But he did warn me that they might call me back in.
So, knowing that I AM innocent, and that I WASN'T hiding anything, I now know that my brain doesn't work normally. Apparently it will allow me to lie without consequences. What, exactly, does THAT say about my brain? Too much imagination? Did I not care enough? (that's my mom's theory - it didn't have enough to do with me) Who knows?
For the record, since it should be said. The lady who's jewelry it was has since found it (yeah, it wasn't stolen).
But that is the craziness that is my brain. Good times.

X-rays

2010-09-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

So, around a year ago, I got an x-ray taken of my chest, with the hope that we would be able to figure out what was making it hurt so badly. When the results came back normal, I was a little annoyed. I had really been hoping that the x-ray would tell me what was wrong. Finally, after feeling a bump on my sternum that I didn't think felt normal, I decided to look at the x-rays myself. Guess what. NOT NORMAL!

A few years ago (like 7 1/2) I tripped over a wall and landed hard on my chest. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but perhaps I should have. Apparently, I broke my sternum. Now it's healed incorrectly and will probably hurt a little for the rest of my life. The radiology technician told me that I should stretch my sternum a lot to keep it from hurting randomly.

Of course, I am now a little more than annoyed about the fact that I, who am not trained in radiology AT ALL, found something on my x-ray that the radiologist didn't. At first I was thinking that maybe they just over looked it and I was just looking for it specifically. But according to the medical assisting director here at school, they really should have found it. I'm just shaking my head at them. At least now I know that claiming pain isn't something anyone can call me crazy for. Which is kinda how I felt for so long. Especially after my x-ray "came back normal" from now on, I'm going to insist on looking at all of my x-rays.

Humility

2010-08-28T23:30:00.000-07:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.

My friends and I were having a conversation this evening, during which I mentioned how amazing I am. Now while, in a way, I was saying this jokingly as I often do, it did move us to a more serious topic (I think) when one of my friends said "And she's humble too!" Now, please note, I mean no disrespect to the person who said this in anyway, he's a great guy, but in my opinion this is an overused, and inappropriately used term. I quickly responded, quite seriously, that I considered myself quite humble. He then told me that if I was really humble, I wouldn't say that.

Now, perhaps I have a different opinion as to what the term humble means, but I believe that a person who knows they are humble will, when appropriate, admit to being so. It is a Christlike quality that we are all striving for. I also believe that Christ, as the most humble person ever, would tell you when asked, quite simply, that yes, He's humble.

Humility is not putting yourself down. In fact, I believe that it's just the opposite. I don't believe that Heavenly Father is ever happy with us when we put ourselves down. How would you feel about hearing someone you love more than anything say they're stupid, not good enough, or hopeless? To me, humility is the ability to see yourself for who you truly are, understand your gifts, and allow yourself to be praised for them; all the while knowing where they came from and giving thanks for them. I see no problem at all in telling yourself that you are amazing, incredible, or brilliant. As long as you are not doing so by putting others down. A truly humble person will not only see the good in themselves, but they will see the good in others, and tell them that they do. I have taken up the habit of trying to compliment people whenever I think of something. If I like someone's shirt, I tell them so. If I think they did awesome in class, I tell them. Just thinking a compliment does no one any good.

So, any of you who may be offended, or put off by me taking a compliment by saying "thanks, I know, I'm amazing," please understand. It's not that I am a vain person. It's simply that I know who I am. And as God is my creator, I am automatically amazing by default. I only try to live up to that status.

Two years

2010-08-11T13:52:00.000-07:00

This is a very weird feeling. Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of coming home from my mission. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. But at the same time, when I think about how much I've done since getting home, it seems like forever. I've been to Alaska and back, sent one of my best friends on his mission, and started school. I think back to that day and am amazed at how far I've come. The feelings that I had that day - how overwhelmed I was, apprehensiveness, the sinking sense of failure. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was supposed to come home that day, but that didn't change the fact that I felt like I had failed at my mission. I had so much ahead of me that I had to do, that I had to figure out. I didn't know where to start, or who I would be when I finished. Or even IF I would finish.
Well, maybe I'm not finished, simply because I think that's nigh unto impossible, but to think of how far I've come from that depressed, lonely woman on that airplane two years ago, I am simply astounded. I know and have completely accepted who I am. I'm not depressed most of the time, and even when I am, I know how to counteract it. I am finally happy with who I am and nothing is proving that to me more than my Stratigies for Success class. Right now we're talking about negative thoughts and feelings that could hinder our school work, career goals, etc. When I think of what negative thoughts about myself I might have, I honestly can't think of any. There is nothing anymore that can hold me back. I won't ever allow it again. I've been down the road of depression and rejection and pointlessness, and I won't do it again. I refuse to even step foot down that path again and that show me just how far I've come and how well I now know myself. I don't listen to negativity, I don't pay attention to what others think. Everything about me is between me and my Father in Heaven. No one else's opinion really matters. I will listen to advice, and I will take most under consideration, but in the end, I will do what I feel is right. I was never like that before. I have found my freedom and it feels great! The last two years have been so good to me. And now looking back, I realize how much I was not a failure on my mission. It taught me exactly what I was supposed to learn and I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I am where I'm supposed to be.

Midterm

2010-08-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was midterm and thus far in my classes, I have perfect grades. I took two tests on Tuesday. I got 100% on my Terminology test, and I think I did pretty good on my computer Fundamentals test. It's still so nice to be in school. It's so great to be busy. I love it. Now that I've got a job as well, I'm definitely staying busy enough to avoid depression. I haven't felt depressed in a little while. It's been GREAT! I've been busy with things that will wrinkle my brain, but I've also had time to have a bit of a social life. I think I love life! (oh wait, take out the think) :D

Starting school!

2010-06-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

So, I had my first day of school today. I've already finished my first homework assignment and part of three others. I'm taking Intro to Anatomy, Strategies for Success, Computer Fundamentals, and Medical Terminology. I have a feeling the first two will be easy A's, as long as I do my homework like I'm supposed to. The other two I don't know anything about yet, because I haven't had them yet. But from what I understand, Medical Terminology is just memorizing, memorizing, and a bit more memorizing. I met a guy who was fairly close to graduating from the Medical Assisting Program today who had taken that class already and told me a little about it. It's 400 words that I have to learn and most of the time in class will be spent watching various videos. I'm curious what we'll be learning in Computer Fundamentals, considering the electronically savvy family I come from. I just hope I learn new things. I'm sure I will.

Now I just need to find an afternoon / weekend job and start looking for my externship (that was something else Justin suggested, look for that now). I'm kinda hoping to do the externship at the Timpanogos Hospital considering I already have ties to that one, but I'll take what I can get.

I will attempt to keep you updated on my school life. It looks to be a REALLY fun next couple of months. :D

The Best Friend

2010-04-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your best friend is crying? Comfort her? Her husband's got that covered. Beat up the person who made her cry? Sounds like a good idea. Except for one thing. It was her mother.

I understand mothers wanting to teach their children. I understand them wanting to correct their children when they are doing wrong. But when is it okay to basically tell your child (who's 24, by the way, and has been married for two years) that's she's not good enough and her husband is lazy? When is it ever okay for anyone to complain to a wife about her husband?

I can't help but be very grateful for the parents I have. They are very caring, and want to know about our lives, but they are never intrusive, and they would never complain to any of my siblings about their spouses. All it does is build a huge rift between the child and the parent, because it doesn't matter what the situation is, a smart wife (and my friend is one), will always pick their husband over anyone.

So what do you do when your best friend is crying? I don't get upset when people insult, ridicule, or hurt me. But when you hurt my friend, I don't care who you are, I will very likely hate you for the rest of eternity. I guess that's just the blue personality in me coming out. Everything in me wants to write to this mother and tell her just how amazing my friend is, how much she is hurting right now, and just scream at her until she gets the message. But that's not my place. And so I rant.

But heaven help the person who complains to me about my husband some day. They might die. Just a warning now.

Pop Tabs

2010-04-26T13:30:00.000-07:00

On Thursday afternoon, Rachelle and I went to the recycling place on Geneva Road, and I purchased 25 pounds of pop tabs. There are several projects I'm going to attempt to do with them, although it's proving slightly more difficult than I originally anticipated.
But, to the odd point I'm trying to make: We found the most random stuff mixed in with the pop tabs. Things like pennies and dimes weren't actually that surprising, but we also found four foreign coins (which I promptly added to my collection), a quarter, a little bell, and a ring.
It's an absolutely gorgeous ring, and at first we thought it was real. I took it to show to my mom, and she informed us that no real gems were pink, so it couldn't be real. (It has 5 pink gems, and ten diamond colored gems.) So I didn't think anything of it, especially since it fit me perfectly. So I went on with life. Until this morning when I found out it's possible to have pink sapphires. That kinda freaked me out, and then I could rest until I had found out for sure that it was fake. Fortunately, I was able to go to a jewelers, and ask. He informed me that it was, in fact, fake; and then gave me a really weird look when I sighed with relief and said good. I'd been contemplating of how I would be able to find the person this belonged to if it was real and all the options I had weren't very feasible. But, since it's fake and likely only worth a couple of dollars, I'm not too concerned anymore. Hallelujah.

Blameless

2010-04-16T22:03:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from Eternal Choices. It's also my belief if vampires actually existed.

    “What about God? Don’t vampires believe they’re all going straight to hell?”
    Nathaniel grinned. How many times had he imagined having a conversation just like this one?
    “Some do. Personally, I don’t. I don’t believe God would hold me guilty for an action I had no control over. Isaac turned me. I believe he’ll be judged for that, all the others he turned, and all those he killed, including my wife and child. But I think God will only hold us guilty for what we have done by choice. I have never killed anyone, and I have never turned anyone. I have tried to live the way I was taught when I was still human. I feel blameless before God. I plan to stay that way.”
    Sierra nodded. “I think I like that way of thinking.”

A Great Man

2010-01-25T19:23:00.000-08:00

A great man passed away last Tuesday. I've been wanting to write a blog for him since then, but this is the first time I've been able to actually get on and do it. Not because I didn't have time, but because I didn't think I'd be able to make it through this before now. Honestly, I don't know that I'll make it through it now, but I'll try.

The man I'm referring to was a quiet man. He lived a fairly average life. But the differences he made in the lives of so many will carry on for generations. He was an incredibly amazing man, one that fulfilled his mission on earth and is now in heaven.

I did not know him as well as I wish I did. The stories of his life told at his funeral were all news to me. But I saw his generosity, and I felt his love.

I remember so many times when I would go over to his house. Although I was there for his son, he would very often excitedly show me something new on PAF, because he knew how much I loved family history work. I learned a lot from him.

I also remember a day when I had a flat tire at work. None of my family was available to help, and I couldn't think of anyone else to call. So I called him and his wife. Without hesitating, they came and helped. I later found out that he was already beginning to fight the cancer that would eventually take his life, and had a doctor's appointment that day. But, not thinking of himself, he came to help me.

Before he died, I wrote him a letter, thanking him for all that he did for me. Not only directly, but for raising the amazing children that he did, two of which have helped me in ways I don't think it's even possible to describe.

The world is now a slightly darker place without his shining presence, but his memory lives on and makes all who knew him want to be a little better. In truth, I'm slightly jealous of all those he's with now. He will be missed.

Feelings

2010-01-12T11:03:00.000-08:00

    Here’s the question. Am I completely healthy, or completely crazy? When the man I love informed me that he couldn’t reciprocate my feelings, I wasn’t made at him. I understood, and it didn’t upset me. It hurt a little, but I could move on. When he told me the only reason he’d kissed me was because it had been awhile since he’d kissed anyone, that’s when I cried.
    Is it weird that I wasn’t upset that he didn’t return the feelings? I know it’s not weird that I got upset at the semblance of being used. But is it odd that I completely understood when he told me that he didn’t love me back?
    I’ve thought a little about this. I, personally, believe that I thought that, and felt that way because I’m very healthy. Even with depression, I’ve got a healthy outlook on life. I understand that feelings are feelings and you can’t order them around. If you try, you’re only going to end up destroying yourself.
    So now I seem to be in this same situation that I put him in. Another guy likes me, although I doubt as much as I liked Robert (I guess it’s safe to say his name since he already knows and so does everyone else who’s in the loop), and since I still have feeling for Robert, I can’t like this guy as much as I believe he would like. (Wow, I just used the word like a LOT in that sentence!) He wants me to be over Robert before I move onto him. Which I, also, completely understand.
    Here’s the problem with that. Once again, we’re discussing feelings. I can’t order myself to stop loving Robert any more than Robert could order himself to love me. Feelings are feelings. They just exist. So many times you hear people say “I don’t know what I supposed to be feeling here” or some such nonsense. You’re not supposed to be feeling anything, you just feel something. Then you need to analyze that feeling and discover what exactly it is. Sometimes it takes hardly any analyzation, and sometimes, you’re analyzing for years before you realize what it is. Either way is fine. And if something is a bad feeling, then find a happy feeling to cover it up. But never try and force yourself to feel or not feel something. The heart is a different entity than the brain and it is in control of itself.

Once again, depression

2010-01-09T14:40:00.000-08:00

I was off of my depression medication for about a week now, because it took me that long to gather the money together that I needed in order to get it. I can feel the depression pushing into me, like a dog pushing his nose against you, begging for attention. I try my hardest to ignore it, but it's often impossible. But I do everything I can. I try. But there are days that it simply overwhelms me. There are days when I just don't think I can do it anymore and want to curl up in a ball and lie on my bed until the pain goes away. Logically, I know that won't help, which is why I don't do it. But the pain that encompasses me, stabbing into my heart like a red-hot knife, threatens to be too much for my mind to push way. The dog is getting bigger, his nose getting harder, and soon, if something doesn't happen, he will tackle me, and I'll retreat into myself to get away. I don't want to do that.
But what else can I do? I know the additional medicine would help; life was heavenly for the month I was on it. But I haven't even called my doctor's office to ask them to send in the prescription to my pharmacy. Why? Because I don't have the ten dollars it would take to pay for it. I need to go to the dentist to get a cavity filled. But I don't have the fifteen dollar co-pay. Because for some, stupid reason that no one has decided to let me know, no one wants to hire me. I have put out so many applications and resumes, I wouldn't be surprised if half of this county has me on file, if they keep a file. But do they call? No. Why?
I'm a very qualified person. I've got over five years of customer service experience. I have my CDL. I've worked in health care capacities. Over the years I've worked in so many different jobs, that you would think that people would see that I can learn quickly. But then, they probably look and notice that the longest I've ever held down a job is eight months before I quit because I was needing to do something else, and they disregard me. I would say that the only thing keeping me sane right now is my volunteer work at the hospital, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I would qualify myself as sane right now. I'm something else entirely. I'm not fully insane, but I can feel myself pushing that direction. So, if something doesn't happen soon, and you find me curled up in a ball on my bad and refuse to move. . . you know why. Get me ice cream or something and leave me be. Or find me a job.

Monotony

2010-01-05T21:47:00.000-08:00

*sigh* I'm so tired of the monotony that is my life. I started volunteering at the hospital yesterday, which is amazing and will hopefully take a little of the boredom out of me. But it's only once a week for three hours. Three more hours for church, and then hopefully I'll spend eight hours a day sleeping, but that still leaves me with one hundred and nine hours that I need to fill. What do I do with them? Right now, most of them are spent being bored. I need a job. Or at least something to do. I try to spend time daily on Portals and add more to it, edit it, and make it just all around better, but there's only so long that I can deal with it before having to set it aside because I'm sick of my own book. That's a little sad, isn't it?
So I fill out applications, I work to get my resume better, I even went to the career workshop at the LDS Employment Center a few weeks ago. Does any of it help me? Nope. I'm still sitting here, unemployed and bored. I am going to try to use this extra time on my hands to exercise and make the most of it, but that even get boring after a while. So that's the next step in my plan to get my life in order. Apply at every place I possibly can so that I can start making money and stop being so bored. I would really like to get out of Utah again, but there's no way to do so as far as I can see right now. Which is slightly depressing.

New Blog

2010-01-04T14:32:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking for a while that I would like to start a new blog. I will, of course, keep this one going. But I will also be writing, and likely more frequently, on that one. It is a private blog about my life entitled "Life Uncommon". The name is taken from the name of a song by Jewel. I'm planning on working on being more observant and then describing the people, places, and things in my life on that blog. By doing so, I hope to become more adept at description and it will help me in my efforts as a writer. The reason it is private is because I will also be putting some of my work on it, and I don't want it open to all the world to see. So, if you would like to read it, ask me, and I will consider inviting you. I will not invite just anyone, so no offense to any of you, but I may say no. I don't see that actually happening, but I am going to be careful with this blog as it will hold some things very precious to me. The link is www.kd7tyylifeuncommon.blogspot.com and all those who would like to read it, simply ask and you (most likely) shall receive.
Thank you. Love you all. :D

2010 Resolutions

2010-01-01T18:29:00.000-08:00

A new year begins. So many people are looking forward, planning what they will do this year to improve their lives. I am, of course, doing the same thing. There are many things I would like to do before this year is over. I would like to get a job. I would like to pay off my debts. I'd like to move out. I would like to get Portals published. I would like to get in shape so I can run up stairs without getting winded . . .
But the true question becomes, how do I get myself to not only remember these goals, but actually follow through with them?
The truth is, I don't know the answer to this question. I will occasionally have bouts of motivation that seem to come out of nowhere, but don't last very long. Obviously, the job one is going to be one that it will be easy to remember. With my debts staring me in the face, that won't be difficult either. Those ones will mostly be trying to figure out how to get them accomplished. I've started a 12 step program on how to get my life into a decent, independent, and happy one. The first two steps are sleep better and eat better. I'm doing well with that second one, but the former is alluding me. I'd like to start going to bed before midnight and getting up before 8 am. The last little while, I've been going to bed around one and the earliest and getting up around 10 or 11. Except last night when I didn't go to bed until 9:30am. Although I did get about a half an hour nap in the car at about 8:30.
So, the plan is to improve my life this year. I'll keep you updated on whole that's going.

2009

2009-12-31T00:13:00.000-08:00

With the end of the year quickly approaching, I've been thinking about the many new experiences I've had this year.
I went to Mesa, Arizona. I saw the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. I went to Alaska and lived there for two months. I saw Mount Denali - the tallest above sea level mountain in the world (counting from base to top, not from sea level to top). I kissed three guys. I finally finished "Portals", which I've been working on since seventh grade. I had a boyfriend (kind of). I lost not only one, but three of the four jobs I had this year.
Summing my year up like that makes it seem a lot less than it was. Weird.
I also learned a lot about myself through these experiences. I grew so much this year. I'm a completely different person than I was a year ago. It's rather amazing.

The Point of Compliments

2009-12-27T16:38:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard to give each other real compliments? Why are we so scared to tell someone that we like something about them? Do you think they'll get mad at you for saying something nice to them? Are we scared of embarrassing them? Are we scared that - gasp! Heaven forbid! - they might think we LIKE them? Why do we as mortals worry so much about the outside appearance and not as much about the part beneath the surface?
I admit, I'm guilty of this as well. I know that I don't thank Tierra enough for listening to my endless rants, for giving me advice, and just all around being an incredibly awesome person. I don't thank my mom enough for, well, anything. She's my mother and she amazing, but I hardly ever actually acknowledge that to her. The same thing goes for my Dad.
Why are we always so scared to say thank you? To say I love you? Why are we scared to say hi to that random person on the street with a slightly sad look on their face? Why are we so scared to compliment?
When I was younger, I would brag about how amazing I was. I would repeat my self-compliment until someone either acknowledged it as well, or told me to shut up. I wanted to be complimented so badly that I had to do it myself. To add to the stupidity of the situation, whenever I was complimented, I would, as was common, inform them how wrong they were and argue with them that whatever they just complimented me about wasn't true. I also, because of pride, couldn't compliment anyone else. I could only compliment someone else if I thought they would then compliment me. I would then be very hurt if that compliment didn't come.
I have since learned that in order to truly feel good about yourself, you have to accept yourself, instead of waiting for others to accept you. You need self-validation, others validating you doesn't ever work.
Interestingly, I've actually gotten a fairly high amount of compliments lately. People have complimented me on how skinny I look, called me sexy, told me my ears were cute. My hair, my eyes, my pants, my shirt. Thank you. I know you mean well, and I thank you for taking the time to give me a compliment. It is sometimes not easy to do so for most people.
However, I wish someone would compliment me on something that actually had to do with me. I'm glad you think my hair is cute. But it's just hair. I'm glad you noticed that I lost weight. But I don't even know how I did it and it's half annoying me. I'm glad you like my shirt. My mom gave it to me, she has good taste. I'm glad you like my pants. They're the only ones that fit me since I lost that weight. And it honestly just weirds me out that anyone would think of me as sexy.
None of those things are me. They are all just outward things. Those are the kind of compliments that I smile and nod and thank people for, but forget about ten minutes later. You know what compliments mean the most? The ones that are actually about me. My dad bragging about the fact that I designed and made a dress myself. My uncle telling me that I did a good job on my wands. My sister-in-law telling me I have a gift with her son, the ability to calm him down and get him to sleep easily. My friend thanking me for listening to her when she needs to rant, telling me I'm a good listener.
Those are the things that are me. Sometimes I wonder why most of my friends like me. Obviously they do because otherwise they wouldn't hang out with me. Sometimes I wonder what I can being into this world besides a cute butt and a skinny waist. That sounds terrible, I know, but I honestly don't care what I look like. I care if I'm healthy and I appreciate the few friends that have been helping me get more so. Rachelle and Tierra for helping me get past the point where I couldn't eat without getting nauseous.
The point of this was that I wanted to rant and at first was going to ask why people like me. I was going to ask for non-physical compliments. And now, after this rant about self-validation, I feel slightly stupid doing that. But, I still want to ask. Not necessarily digging for compliments, just wanting to know what you all think I'm good at. I was reading a book that tells you to write your strengths. While I do want to be able to validate myself, I'm honestly feeling very useless and weak right now. What strengths do I have?

The Point of Revenge

2009-12-24T21:07:00.000-08:00

I would like to apologize for my last entry. It was written when I was both upset and extremely hurt. That is, perhaps, the worst time to write anything because you are the most likely to hurt someone. It is, however, when I most feel like writing. Generally once I get my feelings out on paper, they leave me. Usually I use my journal, and this is probably a time I should have done so instead of putting my hurt and angry thoughts out there for the world to see. The truth is, the second I had all of that entry written down, I forgave him. I no longer think he hurt me intentionally. And I no longer feel any bad feelings toward him.
You see, while some of my friends may not understand this, and others will perhaps even get upset at me for writing it, despite the way that this young man used me, I will always love him. It will likely have to go back to the way it was before my mission, him being my "younger brother who's taller than me", and me being his older sister. While I believe I will always wish it was more, I would rather have him in my life in that capacity than not at all. And I am sorry for what I said. I said that I wasn't mad at him and didn't hate him, but the truth of the matter is, when I wrote that entry, I did. I was mad at him. He had hurt me and in my pain I wanted to hurt him back. But as my dad often says "And eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth and suddenly the whole world is blind and toothless". What's the point in revenge? Does it make the person seeking it feel better? Of course not. It only hurts them more. It does usually accomplish the goal it was intended for, making the other person hurt, but it doesn't make anyone feel any better. It only burns bridges. I would truly like to rebuild this bridge the way it was. But I can only build half of it. Now I have to find out if my brother will build the other part. I'm truly sorry.

Voluntary Blindness

2009-12-19T19:39:00.000-08:00

When my best friend was engaged for the first time, I HATED her fiance. I hated how he had taken advantage of her, I hated how he treated her, and I hated how she took it. As far as I know, there was never physical abuse, but the emotional abuse ran rampant. Had the bruises he inflicted on her mentally and emotionally showed on the outside, he'd have been in jail a long time ago. She gave him everything. She changed for him, she became exactly who he said she should be. For awhile there, I lost my best friend to a complete stranger with a lack of light in the eyes that had once shone brightly. Because of this, I knew that their marriage would not last, although I hoped that he would change and become the man she deserved. He didn't and their marriage did, indeed, fall apart. She's now with a man that is amazing and treats her like the queen she is. But at the time, it killed me to see her treated that way, and I vowed I would never let something like that happen to me.
My friends, I broke that vow.
You see, I now have some understanding for what she went through and why she allowed herself to be treated in such a horrible manner. For I just freed myself from a relationship very similar.
The worst part was, I knew what was happening. Deep down, I knew what he was doing to me, and I knew that I was allowing it. But I've had strong feelings for this guy for a while, and I rationalized his actions by telling myself that he was young, he didn't know how to show his feelings, but I was sure they were there. He wouldn't treat me that way, I'd seen a different side of him than all my friends had. Who were they to tell me he was a jerk? Did they know him like I did? Of course not. So I put blinders on so I wouldn't see the abuse and I continued on my way toward eventual destruction.
But now comes the happy part of my sad tale. Because "God is not dead, nor doth he sleep". This young man I have been describing leaves on a mission in less than two weeks. Had I not removed the blinders and finally confronted him and accepted the truth before he left, the effect of his abuse could have been irreversible, because I would have spent the next two years waiting for him to return, naively believing that when he got home, he would tell me how much he loved me and we would be happy. I would say that I was moving on with my life, but I would know that deep down, my life was still revolving around his. But Heavenly Father loves me, and knows me, this guy, and the situation better than I ever could with my limited, human perspective, and knew that I needed to be yelled at. The Spirit had been whispering the questions I needed answered to me for quite sometime, trying to get me to listen. So many times you hear at church that if you don't listen to the Spirit, eventually He will give up and leave you alone. My friends, PLEASE never believe this. The Spirit, and the One who's commands He follows will never give up on you. He will allow you to make your own decisions, but He will ALWAYS be there for you, whether you've ignored Him once, or hundreds of times, when you need Him, He'll be there. And so He was for me. After leaving this young man's house, with so many questions bouncing around in my head, I wanted someone to bounce them off. So I called the friend I would normally talk to. She didn't answer her phone. I tried her husband's phone. Once again, no answer. I tried another friend, she was in Salt Lake. Another friend was with his girlfriend and another two were both with family and couldn't leave. So, I decided, why not just go straight to the source? I had questions, he had answers. Only he could tell me what he was thinking and what he was feeling anyway. And so, I asked my questions. Though there had been millions swimming around in my head, the answers I sought were come by with only three simple questions. And I knew. I knew I had allowed myself to be blinded. I knew that he honestly had no feelings for me, and no regard for mine for him. And I knew that I had to get away once and for all, and never go back. And so I did.
The pain I now feel isn't due to the fact that he has no feelings for me. Feelings are feelings and you cannot order them around. You cannot force yourself to love someone anymore than you can force yourself to breathe underwater. No matter how much you will it to be, it won't be. It can't be. I have no problem with that.
What hurts is knowing that deep down, he really is an amazing guy. But he has buried that person so deeply that not even he can find him anymore. And he is now a person who can knowingly hurt someone else. Someone who can disregard the feelings for another because it will give him the selfish satisfaction he craves.
I do not hate him. I'm not even mad at him. I truly and honestly feel sorry for him. I hope he can grow up, learn to accept that he is allowed to love himself, and learn how to love others. As one of my missionary companions told me, "You can only love others as much as you love yourself." If he can knowingly hurt me that way, what in the world is he doing to himself?

Discernment

2009-11-09T07:42:00.000-08:00

I once knew a man who claimed to have a great gift of discernment. I will admit, his claim was accurate about 9 out of ten times. But often, because his gift was so great, his pride got in the way and didn't allow him to see the wisdom of others who had been given that gift specifically to help him.

I remember the last time I saw him, a friend of mine informed him that unless he got rid of the pride that seemed at the time to be threatening to overwhelm him, he would loose that gift. I don't know where he's at now, or how he's doing, but last night I was reminded of a conversation that we had once. This conversation ended with me in tears.
This was a while ago, back when I was still living in the sheltered Utah mindset I have tried to cast away. Before my mission, I had never truly been outside of Utah. Sure, I'd been to Yellowstone, Colorado, and Las Vegas, but I was always with a group from home, and never got out of the culture of Utah. The culture that, no matter how much parents try, it's slightly impossible to keep their children from being sheltered. And my parents didn't try.
I had the notion that I understood the world. That no matter what experiences I had, all things would still eventually lead back to the conclusions I already had. I felt I was less sheltered than most because of the experiences that I went through in my Senior year of high school. And I will give myself one thing, I had learned a lot from those, but not nearly so much as I thought I did.
I'm not sure how the conversation began that day, but somewhere into it, this man decided he needed to figure out what I was made of. He denied the ideals I had so carefully come up with and stuck to all my life, saying that too many times the logic I was showing wasn't enough. He informed me that I couldn't just go in and say everything was alright, because of this, this, and this. I didn't understand people's pain and therefore was in no position to judge them. In order to fully understand them, I had to be willing to take their pain and make it my own.

As an ideal, this theory actually seems very sound. Everyone wants to feel understood. However, due to that experience in high school, I knew that I was unable to do this. I had tried to feel someone else's pain once and it nearly destroyed me.

And so, with a passion that I barely knew I was capable of, and that I believe surprised this man, I stated that I would not do that. I could not do that. It was not my job to feel someone pain and I therefore would not put myself through that again. I didn't explain to him the situation that led me to that conclusion, just as I will not in this blog, but I said what I needed to say with such feeling that he accepted it.
I, however, cannot.
Looking back, I realize now that due to the pain and heartache I went through during my senior year, all the stress I laid upon myself and how thoroughly I had to push everything surrounding it away, just to survive until the next day, I pushed everything away. Including the capability to love. I had been hurt that badly because of love, because I had loved someone so much that I couldn't bear to see that someone hurting and therefore tried to take the pain that they needed to feel, and instead feel it myself. I had attempted to become that person's Savior, and that wasn't my job.
So how do you explain to someone that you're not actually getting mad when you're having a heated discussion with them, but rather the topics you're discussing are so near and dear to your heart that you cannot stand how they seem to just be throwing out their opinion without thinking? That it is because of all of the experiences of your life that you have come up with the conclusions that you have? That, although they seem to think you're mad at them, the reality is, you're so hurt by their ignorant claims, you cannot just sit by and allow them continue. Deep down, you realize they perhaps aren't as ignorant as they seem, that there is likely a very good explanation as to why they feel that way, how they came by their own conclusions. But you've seen much of their life, and it reminds you of the time before your mission, when you had all of those misguided ideals. You want to tell them that they are so far into the box that is the Utah mindset, that they actually think they are out of it.
Besides, you're not living deep down. Because although your senior year of high school was over five years ago, and you have since accepted quite a bit of what caused you that pain, it's memory is still there, and still a little raw. Not because of how much it hurt, that you've gotten over, but because of the simple fact that you did it to yourself, and then tried to deal with it yourself. And you did that because of your stupid ideals. The ones that tell you that you don't actually need anyone else. You can deal with anything on your own. That no one would understand you anyway. You didn't realize how much Satan was grinning when he made you think that, and convinced you to keep your pain to yourself.
If there is one thing that I have learned from my various experiences, it's that you cannot do anything by yourself. And if you try, you really will end up destroying yourself. I only began to get better when I realized that I couldn't do it by myself. And I accepted help.
The other thing I learned about myself is that I am a very passionate person. I'm a very all-or-nothing kind of girl. And so, if I feel a fear that I'm going to hurt someone, or if I'm going to get too close and end up going through what I went through before, I will back off. I love so thoroughly and completely that I hurt myself, or I back off so thoroughly and completely that I risk hurting the other person. Because I cannot go through that kind of pain again. I don't know that I would survive it.
So, in the event that you and I ever get into an argument about life or ideals, kindly remember these things, and try to understand. I will do my best to understand your side as well. But the thoughts expressed in this post are held so close to my heart that it is sometimes difficult to take the blinders off and see other's thoughts as well. But I try. I will never allow myself to create opinions in ignorance again. Because I cannot go back to who I was before my mission.

Musings

2009-11-03T10:11:00.000-08:00

So for the past week I have been incredibly depressed. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I feel like there's absolutely nothing going on in my head. Last night I was thinking of how ironic that was. Much of the time, people complain that their head hurts because they have too much that they need to think about, they wish there was just one thought going through there at a time. But I can tell you, it's not a feeling you actually want to experience. It's like being in a huge room all by yourself. At first, it's nice. You're enjoying the silence and solitude. But after being there for a few days and no one else is there, it starts getting lonely. You're stuck in this gigantic room, and although there is plenty of space, it now feels like too much space. There's a lack of social interaction that a person desperately needs to function properly. That's how I've felt for the last week. Is it any wonder that I've been depressed?
While I'm working on my stories, it's actually kind of nice since then all I have going on in there is my story and I am able to concentrate fully. However, when that's not what is going through my head, and instead it's something else, or even worse, nothing at all, it's horrible. Sunday afternoon, I went for a few hours in which I seriously couldn't actually think of anything! There was nothing going through my head, and if there was anything going through there, that's all it was doing, going through. In one side and out the other. And there were complete minutes at a time when I would just stare into space, which is all my head was filled with.
I have a thought as to what has caused this obnoxious turn of events. The only thing I have changed in my life that could possibly have done this is: I started drinking more Dr. Pepper. There are days when I have three or four cans - all in a row. I don't actually know if that's a side effect of the caffeine, but it seems like the only plausible option.
So I'm going to stave off of caffeine for a while so that I can find out. If this continues, I'll know it wasn't the Dr Pepper and I'll happily go back to drinking it. :D However, if my suspicions turn out to be correct, I will once again switch over fully to Cream Soda. The experiment begins today.

The ignorance and brattishness of some people

2009-10-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gotten on the forums on Craigslist? I think I never will again. Why is it that I never realized how incredibly stupid some people can be on the subject of God? There are people who are absolutely certain that He doesn't exist and there are people who are absolutely certain that He does. I honestly don't really care if you have one opinion of the other, as long as you don't try to foist it into me. But that seems to be exactly what people are doing. Trying to foist. Every single comment that I read written by someone who did not believe in God was something to the effect of "Anyone who believes in God is ignorant and stupid" They used several different versions of said phrase, but it all added up to the same thing. Sadly enough, most of the comments written by people who do believe in God were like that, only the opposite, obviously. Why are people so immature about this subject? I tried to put in my two cents, but I doubt it meant anything. *shakes head* Why can't we all just accept each other and move on with our lives?

Poor Laptop!

2009-10-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

So my laptop cord stopped working. So I stopped being able to charge my laptop. So I'm officially without a laptop. Which was fairly annoying because that meant that I had to use the family's computer for the internet and I have a grand total of NONE of my work on it. So while I could work on Portals online on it and see people's input, I couldn't go directly to my version on Wordperfect and change it there. It was really annoying. So now I've got my desktop re-set up and connected to the internet. But this computer is SO slow and my connection is as well and it's about to drive me nuts! I can't wait until next week when the cord my brother bought for me comes. That was very nice of him. I couldn't have afforded it for a while. This way, I'll have it and then I can pay him back when I get my next paycheck. Yayness and stuff!
So, currently about 1/3 of my room is clean. And the other 2/3 is a pigsty! I really do need to clean it. That just shows how thoroughly lazy I am! It's absolutely beginning to drive me nuts, though, so It will likely get cleaned sooner rather than later. I'm starting to think I need to put my bed slightly higher, however, since I don't have enough room under there. Yes, for those wondering, I'm pretty sure I can go higher. Watch me! It will be interesting to see everyone's reactions when they try to get up onto it. :D

New Job

2009-10-15T15:02:00.000-07:00

So, I'm very much enjoying my job. I drive people around all morning and get to listen to them tell me about their lives while I'm at it. Today we were listening to some Hindi music I put on, and one of the residents told me about a friend of hers that was a belly dancer. I also learned that another resident's daughter lived in India for a while there and now lives in Singapore. They also all tease me mercilessly. :D I tease them right back, of course, so we get along great. Eventually, I will know everyone's names but it is going to take a while, and I probably won't ever know the ones that don't ride the bus on a regular basis. There are at least fifty residents in that home. Give me time.
In the meantime, it feels amazing to finally have a smile on my face when I leave work. I walked home from work one day (my car's almost out of gas), and I was slightly amazed at how happy I was. There haven't been a lot of jobs in my life that I've felt this good about when leaving. I even like my bosses. They're currently on a cruise. (Jealous!)
Just thought I'd throw this out as an update to my life. Good times.

The Afgan

2009-09-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

Different colors of bright yarn -
Brought together for one purpose.
To keep me warm is their job.

So many colors, so many memories,
Every time I look at it, I think of so many things.
All the time it took me, and all the family who watched,
All the women the yarn belonged to,
Before it came to me.

My Great-Grandma Jensen,
A most wonderful person she was.
She was always ready with cookies
Whenever we went there.

My Grandma Bateman,
Still a great lady, always willing to help me
With whatever I need her for.

My great-grandma Barton,
Her, I never knew
My great-aunt Rula,
I never met her, but I’m sure she was amazing.

And finally my Mom,
Who bought me the black and white yarn.
And always encouraged me to keep going,
And reach toward my dreams.

So many memories in one afghan,
They all come flooding back,
Someday, I’ll tell my kids of all of them
As they lay there, and the afghan’s job changes,
It now keeps them warm.

I'm making another one, three times as large, and I just have all these feelings again. So I thought I'd put this up. Hope you like it.

The Lathe Spins

2009-09-28T17:47:00.000-07:00

The lathe keeps spinning around and around

It’s hard to remember it’s not tearing me down.

I need to remember I’ve been sent to this land

To be turned and molded by the master’s hand.

Remember the sawdust falling to the ground.

Remember how fast the lathe must spin around.

Remember that though life’s been rough in the past,

Remember that troubles were not meant to last.

The conflict inside me is fighting to win.

At times I really just want to give in.

But when I can’t stand it, I fall to my knees,

And cry out to God a tear filled, “Please!”

“Please help me!” I cry with all of my might.

“Help me to know and to do what is right.

Help me to follow thy path and thy will.

Help me be calm and help me be still.”

A loving assurance of hope indeed shows,

As I feel an amazing serenity grow.

The Savior will help me. He won’t let me down.

But I know that the lathe must always spin ‘round.

Eight years

2009-09-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

Wow. September 11. Will any of us ever forget where we were that day? When I first heard I was in the intersection of Cross hall and D hall at Orem High. Matthew Worsham told Valerie Mechling and I that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Towers. I had no idea what they were or what significance it would have. As most, I just thought it was an accident. Then I went to first period - US History with Mr Miner. And we watched as the towers fell. I saw the second plane crash into the South tower. And as I sat there, I had to get some of my feelings onto paper, as is my way, so I wrote this poem.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001
Death, Destruction, Devastation.
Yet Hope, Serenity, Knowledge.
Those who died still live,
They live inside each of us.

Those who lived are better for it.
They have more happiness
More patriotism, more family love.
Even with the world crashing down around us,

America Lives On

It is definitely not a great literary work, or even the best poem ever written, but it describes what I was feeling and thinking at the time. At that crazy moment that we all wish to forget, but will always remember.

Motivation (where from?)

2009-08-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

Wow. The last two days I've been SUPER motivated. Especially when it comes to exercising. On Monday I was kind of motivated. I did bike to the Coopers to get something and then Robert and I walked to the library and most of the way back to his house (his mom picked us up). Then we went to Classic Skating. At first I was thinking that it was a really bad idea for me to be skating when I could barely do so because of my shin splints. I've had them since high school and they enjoy acting up. They definitely were when we started skating. But I've learned to not let them beat me and just skated through the pain, and what a blessing that was! After about the first half hour, they stopped hurting! I was able to thoroughly enjoy myself after that.
That was all the exercise I got that day, but yesterday I biked to the library to drop off a movie, then down to where I used to work to return something, then back home (stopping at the Coopers to get a drink - I was parched!). All together it was 9.3 miles (I looked it up on Google maps afterwards. I was curious.). I also walked about half a mile and then roller-bladed another mile. I was feeling pretty god about myself by the end of the day. :D
Today I was planning on biking somewhere just to beat my record from yesterday, but I decided to clean up and move around my room instead. Trust me, that was a work out! Moving all four of my book shelves, plus my fridge, and my computer monitor (which is HUGE and weighs more than the fridge) was enough to get me sweating quite a bit. When I was finished and it was still only a quarter to five, I couldn't figure out what to do. So I made dinner. My mom was very excited about that since other than taking me to the store, she didn't have to do anything and just sat on the couch, reading a book. She's been wanting to do that for a while, but before Trina's wedding everyone was too busy for her to be able to take that time. I made chicken and rice (my second favorite dish), corn on the cob, steamed broccoli (one of my dad's favorites), honey wheat rolls (I was so excited that I found them in the freezer!), and some carrots for me (I don't like corn on the cob or broccoli that much) Everything was cooked practically perfectly! I take no credit for that, I think I got very lucky.
After dinner I decided that to finish off my day, I'd go for a bike ride. It was dark already and I don't know where the light for my bike went, so I just went to the track across from my house. 2 1/2 times around is one mile, so I rode as hard as I could for five times around. It felt sooo good. I've decided that whenever possible, I'm going to finish off my day like that.
I love these random times in my life when I'm totally motivated for no reason at all. Too bad it doesn't always last.

Update

2009-07-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

Well, it's almost been a month since I wrote last. Sorry about that. But I have been spending my time trying to find a job and was only today successful. I will be working in a bridal shop that rents wedding dresses as an alterationist. I'm very excited to be doing a job in a field that I love and can learn much in.
Other than that, I've been fairly bored. I've been doing a lot of hanging out with my friends, but as they all have lives and jobs, I couldn't do that quite as much as I would have liked. So I've been hanging out with myself. Which is pretty boring.
In the news of my life, my older sister Trina is getting married on the 14th of August. We're scrambling a little to hurry and get everything ready, since she's been in Costa Rica for the past three weeks. However, her fiance, Dan, was able to do a lot with her on the phone, so it didn't really set the wedding plans back any. And Trina also likes things pretty simple, so it doesn't take too long to get everything in place (hopefully). But we'll do everything we can. It will be fun.
That's about it. Boring life for now. I'll let you all know if something happens.

Home

2009-07-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

I'm coming home. I leave tonight at about 11 and my plane lands in Utah at about 08:30 tomorrow morning. I will be going through Denver on the way.
I'm quite excited to be going home. I've loved Alaska. It's an absolutely great place. And I think it would be fun to try to come back next summer with a different position (Maybe a tour director). But, in the meantime, I did what I set out to do. I moved to Alaska! I had an adventure! I met people from all over the world and shared a bit of the gospel with a couple people (not guests, that would have gotten me in trouble O.o). And in the two months that I lived here, I pretty much had an entire summer experience. I lived in about four different places at different times, I traveled all over the lower half of the state, I rode on a train, a bush plane, and a cruise boat. I have nothing to complain about except for the fact that I missed my opportunity to ride in a helicopter. It was a great two months and I have no regrets.

Clarification

2009-06-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

Just to let everyone know, contrary to apparently popular belief, my last blog entry was not a suicide note. I'll be honest, there have been times in my life when I have wanted to die. But I would never kill myself and this wasn't even one of those times. I simply want to, seriously want to, know how to fill this hole. There's no way to form lasting commitments when you're constantly being drawn to run. There's no way to feel truly, completely happy when there's a hole inside of you that you can't fill, you don't understand, and you don't know where it came from.
So those of you who are so concerned about me, don't be. Chill out. Someday, I'll figure out what's up. I don't know when that will be or how, but I know it will come.

Now What?

2009-06-20T15:46:00.000-07:00

It's official. I got into my third "incident" today. And though they were all very minor incidents, all just including mirrors and none with any horrible damage, I have lost my job.
I saw it coming. How can you get into two incidents in less than a month and not be worried there'd be a third soon? I don't know why this has happened though. If I can't focus enough to see what's around a coach, what CAN I focus on? What am I good enough at that I can make it a career? And why am I always good at the things I don't enjoy and can't seem to get good at the things I do? The only thing I like doing and am good at is sewing. But I can't think of a job I'd like in that.
So here's the question. What do I do now? Do I try to get a job as a guest service host even though that job looks so boring to me that I might shoot myself if I'm doing it? Or do I spend the money to come home and search for a job I might not like either? Or do I finally just give into the urge to get in my car and just keep driving until I can't anymore? That urge has been with me ever since I bought my first car and has been gone for a month and a half as I finally, for the first time in my life, had a job I absolutely loved. But it's come back full force. How can I go through life feeling like this? Like there's something inside of me that's missing and I might just find it around the next bend. Maybe that's why I want to travel so much. Where do I find the missing piece of my heart if I can't find it in the temple, at church, or at home? It wasn't on my mission, it isn't here in Alaska. How do I exist if I can't actually finish anything? I hop from thing to thing, hoping that this is where I'll find comfort, but it doesn't come. Not the kind I'm looking for. Not the kind that will fill the hole in my heart that formed in some mysterious way.

Prince Williams Sound

2009-06-05T13:22:00.001-07:00

In front of the Cascade Glacier

In Prince William Sound

The Map of where the Cruise went

My cruise yesterday was pretty fun. We saw a lot of glaciers. They are absolutely beautiful, but they all look alike, so I don't know why it's so cool to see so many. But I only spent $25 to go on a $150 or so cruise, so I was okay with that. We're going on the Portage Glacier Cruise on Tuesday and I've requested the opportunity to drive for it. I'm pretty excited. That one's only about an hour long, so I won't get tired of being on the water. At least we got fed lunch. It was really good too. Fried chicken. :D
I had to be up and at work this morning at 0300. I woke up at about 0245 when my friend called and said he was outside. Good thing it doesn't take me very long to get ready. But I did airport shuttle today, which is oddly enough a really good job because while it's slightly boring, you get paid really good tips. And now I'm really tired and I think I'll take a nap.

How I feel. Random, I know

2009-06-01T00:38:00.000-07:00

It's odd the amount of people who ask me how I can drive something so huge. A motorcoach doesn't actually seem that large to me anymore. Yes, it's bigger than anything else on the road except for Semi's, but once you understand and respect it's size, the challenge of driving it diminishes greatly. Don't get me wrong, the challenge definitely does not disappear entirely, I would disappointed if it did, but rather changes slightly. It's difficult to explain. The motorcoach no longer seems big; everything else seems small. It's like driving a regular car around in a half-sized village. It fits, but only barely and you have to be careful not to crush all of the other tiny little cars. The large size of your vehicle isn't the problem, it's the small size of the other ones.

I love this job. In no other job before this have I been paid to do something I would almost do for free. I love driving, I always have, and the challenges that driving a motorcoach provide just make it that much more exciting. This is the first job that I have actually hope for more hours instead of trying to come up with ways of calling in sick without actually lying. In fact, the two times I have had to call in sick I was quite disappointed. Nothing makes my day like working for 13 hours. Isn't that insane? I love it.

Everyday I meet people from all over the world. New Zealand, England, and the Netherlands, just to name a few that I'm sure of. I'm pretty certain that I've seen people from India, Germany, and several Oriental countries as well. All of them are coming from their various corners of the globe to see this amazing land that is Alaska. This land that I've quickly grown to love.

I don't know of many things that make me smile more than hearing people's intense excitement at seeing a moose for the first time. I can hear my first time excitement in their voices and it reminds me of when I was in their shoes. Has it really only been a month? I feel I have been in this place forever, and yet the time has simply flown by. It's incredible, really.

Let's be honest, I have the best job EVER!!!

2009-05-05T23:29:00.000-07:00

I figure when you're at work for 11 hours and when you get off you're amazed that that's how long you worked, it's a good job. It felt like nothing.
So I'm going to tell you a little about what my job's been entailing thus far, and what it's going to entail the next week and a half.
Yesterday, I got paid to take a tour of the Alaskan Heritage Center. Which, being a stop on the tours we give, people usually pay for. Today, I got paid to drive to the airport and back. Just for fun, to see where it is. And all the time, I was laughing and joking with my trainer who was telling me funny stories and giving me advice. Then I was paid for sitting in the break room for an hour, eating lunch. (If you leave the shop so they can't get ahold of you if they need you, then you have to log off, but if you eat in the shop so they could deploy you if they suddenly need someone, you can stay on the clock.) Then we had a kind of silly circuit in which we learned a lot, but no one actually had enough information to fill the whole time slot given, so we got a lot of breaks. Plus the 15 minute break that they just gave us for a break.
After that, we logged off and they fed us dinner. (So while we didn't get paid for that time, they fed us. Worth it.) Then we "met the mechanics" and they taught us how to properly fill out some paperwork to make it easier for them and showed us what a bus looks like underneath. I got to walk around underneath a bus. It was cool (although he did warn us that if we heard the doors to the shop start to shake to get out from under there as fast as possible since that likely meant an earthquake and the coach would come down soon). :O
Now, next week, we will be getting paid to ride on a train to Denali. A very posh train where they feed you dinner while you get to see the beautiful scenery of Alaska. (We likely won't get a fancy dinner like the guests will, but still) Then we will stay over night at the Denali Lodge before taking a coach over to the McKinley Lodge to get a look around. For the whole time we are gone (with the exception of possibly eight hours, I'm not sure how that's going to work) we will be getting paid for our time. At some point next week, we'll be doing the same thing to Kenai, although I don't believe we'll be staying over night. Right now, for a lot of times, I feel like I'm getting paid to take the tour, only I get the fun part and am sitting in the drivers seat! (Trust me, it's a much more fun place to be than a passenger's seat. You can actually see a lot more)
Now, comparing it to Bel Aire (and you all know how I felt about that place), I'm currently getting paid a training wage of $7.15/hour (minimum wage in AK). That's only $.35 less than I was getting paid as an actual employee at Bel Aire. When I'm actually acting as a driver I'll be getting $10.50/hour. Also, although I've only worked three days this week, I've already logged 18.5 hours. That's more than I had in an entire week down there. I'm working four more days this week. And since I worked 9.75 hours today and Alaska's overtime policy is anytime over 8 hours in one day and 40 hours in one week, I've already logged 1.75 overtime hours. How's that for cool? And since there are days when I could work up to 12 or more hours, I'll be making good money. And seeing Alaska while I'm at it!
So for those of you who were wondering why I came up here, I think it's pretty self-explanatory. Can you blame me? :D

The randomness that is my brain

2009-05-02T11:07:00.000-07:00

So, update! I'm in Alaska, although everyone who read this already knew that, oh well. I'm very excited for work to start, even if I do wish that it could start on Monday instead of tomorrow so I wouldn't be scrambling like mad trying to figure out how to be able to go to church. Oh well. I have faith in myself and, even more critical, that something this important will be able to work out.
Last night I had a thoroughly random dream. In it someone was trying to get us to solve a math problem in order to win something. It was actually a very simple equation. 96x11x180. This was in inches. My question is, how in the world did my brain come up with those numbers? Do you realize that if you figure out exactly how many inches that is, it comes up to exactly 3 miles?How did my brain come up with three numbers when multiplied by each other and then divided by 63,360 come to an even number? What are the odds? I was expecting a decimal with a lot of numbers behind it. It was very weird.

Getting ready to go

2009-04-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

Well, since quitting my job at Bel Aire I admit, I've been bored out of my skull. But I haven't once regretted that decision. It's really nice to have these weeks to get ready to go. Even if they are going by really slowly. Just so everyone knows, I'm heading up to Seattle on the 25th, and will probably get there sometime the next day. Then my flight to Anchorage will leave on the 27th. Hopefully I'll be able to see some cool sights in Seattle while I'm there. I'm still looking for an apartment up there, the one I thought was lined up fell through. But I have talked to a couple of people up there that should be able to help, so I'm hopeful.
Anyway, if anyone wants to play before I go, let me know so we can get together. I really have nothing going on right now, so anytime you're available, I probably am too.
Let me know!

Finally!

2009-03-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I quit my job. And not just gave a two weeks notice, no. Tomorrow is my very last day ever! I've felt ill all day and as soon as I made that decision, it was like the dark cloud above my head dissipated and I was free! That has to be the most amazing feeling in the world. The other most amazing feeling in the world is the knowledge that I don't ever have to go to that place and see that witch again. It's fantastic! My pocket book will, perhaps, yell at me later on, but my mental and emotional state of mind knows it's definitely worth it. What's $200 when you're literally killing yourself to get it? I'll find other ways. I don't know what they'll be yet, but I'll find them.

Getting beaten up

2009-03-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

This week has been an interesting one. Of the five different objects I have driven or ridden, only one of them has not attacked me. Of the four that attacked me, only one of them didn't hurt me. That one happened to be the only object with a brain. How's that for odd?
I knocked over the motorcycle four times this week. Three of those times I got a bruise, along with a bump on my shin from one of them. I whacked my elbow into the luggage bay door on the bus while trying to get the tire thumper out of it, thus making quite the lump there. And last night, my dad's car's trunk hit me in the hip. I feel black and blue all over. Yesterday, I was riding a horse, and something freaked her out, and she reared up on me. Lissa and Dusty were both terrified that she was going to buck me off, but Lissa got her calmed down pretty quick while I held on. Oddly enough, I wasn't that scared. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush, but when I'm facing certain pain and, or, death, I think more clearly, and fear doesn't take over. As it was, I did imagine myself being thrown, and wondered if it would hurt too badly, and braced myself for it, but most of me was just wondering exactly what to do. Thinking back, it was kinda cool. How's that for odd?
Anyway, so now I'm trying to move and shift very carefully so I don't accidentally hurt myself again by hitting or leaning on one of my many bruises. It's much more difficult than I would have thought.

Depression and the amazing lack thereof.

2009-03-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

It's interesting to see how much my life has changed over the last few months. I've been home now for almost as long as I was gone and my outlook on life has flopped 180 degrees. (Well, maybe 160)
I have finally learned to accept me for me. Before my mission, and especially in high school, I tried so hard to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I had to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect example, or people wouldn't like me. And I always wanted everyone to notice how perfect I was being. Now I don't have to be the perfect daughter. I love my parents, and they love me, but we don't always see eye to eye on all things and that's ok. I actually feel their love more than I did before. Not all of my friends understand the changes I've made, but most of them are actually getting along with me better now that I'm not trying so hard. While I still want approval and love, I don't go out of my way to find it. I don't become someone I'm not in order to gain someone's love.
And I finally figured out why that's so important. I couldn't feel other's love for me back then, because I wasn't being me. I was being someone else and they couldn't possibly love me, because they had no idea who I was. And I couldn't love me either, because I hadn't made that connection so I could finally start learning who I was. It took a very good, very blunt friend to knock me upside the head, tell me it was very difficult to love me, and show that she was trying anyway to finally help me see what I believe Heavenly Father was trying to get me to see all along. I believe with all my heart that this was the main reason that I went on a mission. Was so that this amazing person could help me realize I needed to go home. I am loved. Once I figured that out, nothing else mattered. I could simply be me and move on with my life. I won't say that everything fell into place immediately, but things definitely fell into place. And now I'm doing what I want to do. I'm living for me, instead of anyone else. In fact, for the first time ever, I'm living. Period.

The EVILS of Fragrances

2009-02-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

I went to church today, as I do every Sunday. I also left church early, as I do every Sunday. Of course, this Sunday, I was pushing to make it through the first half of Sacrament meeting. I made it, but at great sacrifice. Now, for the next few hours, I have to suffer through the headache, dizziness, raw throat, and nausea that accompanies the inability to breathe when I'm around fragrances such as perfumes or lotions. The inability to breathe leaves as soon as I get away from the smell, but if I have let it go on long enough that the chemicals have reached my brain and stomach, the other ailments don't leave for several hours. I've suffered a fragrance induced headache for up to five hours before. No amount of pain killer helps, and allergy medication only makes it so that my nose and eyes don't water (although today the smell was strong enough that they did anyway). It's now painfully obvious that I cannot attend my regular ward meetings and will have to go back to going to my parents ward, where they have already established the fact that you just don't wear perfume to church (another lady in that ward is also allergic, along with my father, where I got my allergy). Now, I've gotten the whole "Oh, I've never heard of that allergy before" or "Just deal with it" or worst "Get over it". Okay. All you people with allergies to peanuts, just get over it. Here, have a peanut, but don't swell up and make it completely inconvenient for us when we have to take you to the hospital. People allergic to bee stings, just deal with the pain, the swelling, the sickness. It's not that big a deal. Why do people assume that because they haven't heard of an allergy it's not that bad? Why do people decide that we're just overstating it, because they can't actually see any symptoms and they think we "just don't like the smell"? No, our symptoms don't generally get so bad that we have to go to the hospital, because when we smell something that starts setting us off (and it is usually immediate, and I can smell it even when others can't) we get out of the situation. We're not stupid. If you were in water, trying to breathe, you know that you need to get out of the water in order to. Same with us. I literally cannot get the oxygen I need because of the chemicals in the air. By the time I was able to leave today, my nose had started tingling, indicating that I was running short on oxygen and I needed fresh air now.
Don't assume, just because you don't understand it, that it's not actually a problem. When we say we can't breathe, or your perfume is bothering us, don't take offense, just understand that we have an allergy and we're trying to take care of ourselves.

I got my CDIP!!!!

2009-02-13T11:27:00.000-08:00

So, after spending three and a half hours at the DMV yesterday, and taking each of the three tests I had to pass twice, I got my Commercial Driver Instruction Permit. That means I can drive a bus if there is someone in it with me that has their CDL. It's basically a learner's permit for CDL. I'm glad that I finally got it out of the way, and I'm no longer fretting about it. It's nice.
Today I randomly got the incredible urge to clean. So my kitchen is now almost spotless. Almost, because there are stains I couldn't get out, although my brain is still racking itself, trying to come up with ideas on how I could. Also, the stove isn't completely clean, because I put the drip catchers (is that what they're called?) in the dishwasher, which isn't full yet, so I haven't run it. So all of the burners are just chillin' out on top of the stove for now. But I'm thinking about making cake, which would use enough dishes to fill up the dish washer, then I could run it.
God times.
Anyway, the cake mix is calling my name, and I'm going to heed it's call.

Six Months Later

2009-02-10T20:02:00.000-08:00

In two days I'll have been home from my mission for six months. For the record, that's insane! The time has absolutely flown by. But as I look at the last six months, I'm amazed at how much I changed in what seems like such a tiny little time. Then to look at how much I've changed in the last year I'm flabbergasted. I went from not knowing who I was at all, to knowing myself well enough that no one can change me from me. For the first time in my life, I'm not depressed. For the first time, I don't have ten different voices in my head telling me to do different things. I only hear me. And to think that at one point I looked down on medication and therapy for depression. Trust me, never again. It did wonders for me! I am content.

My Soundtrack - The explanation

2009-02-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

1. My Little Girl (Tim McGraw) – This song just makes me think of my dad and how I know now that he loves me. It took me a long time to figure that out, sadly, but this is to remind me of that love that he has for me.
2. Wind Beneath My Wings (Bette Midler) – This song I have always attributed to my mom. I’ve always felt I could sing this about her with almost complete accuracy. She has helped me through my life and has been there for me when no one else was.
3. My Turn to Fly (The Urge) – This was not only one of my favorite songs through Junior High, but it also marks a time when I was beginning to get out there and gain some independence.
4. Eye of the Tiger (Survivor) – This song is for Orem High School. End of story. I’ll always consider myself a Tiger.
5. Where Were You? (Alan Jackson) – This song is for September 11, 2001. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard that horrible news. I always will.
6. The Angry American (Toby Keith) – This is me applauding, to a point, the action our president took after 9/11. The country pulled together as never before. I only wish it had lasted.
7. So Complicated (Shedaisy) – This song was sung in my heart every time I saw a certain guy all through High School. He was my first love, and I’ll always have a place in my heart to remember how much he helped me through those years.
8. Graduation Song (Vitamin C) – When I graduated, I stayed fairly close to most of my friends, but some of them I haven’t seen since that day. I still remember them, and I hope that they remember me.
9. Breakaway (Kelly Clarkson) – In the year right after High School, when I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, I got very tired of being in Orem and wanted to go anywhere but. I wanted to breakaway and form my own life, but I wasn’t sure how to, and I was scared.
10. Danger Zone (Top Gun) – This was my hot song my first year in College. Marissa Hales, one of my roommates, gave each of us hot songs to remind us that we are always hot.
11. Separate Ways (Journey) – That same roommate, Mar, loved this song and enjoyed dedicating it to each of us in turn, including herself about half the time. Someday love would find us.
12. The Spirit Carries On (Dream Theater) – This song got me through my great-grandmother’s death.
13. Suddenly (Superchick) – This was my theme song for a while there. In the few months before my mission, I wasn’t enjoying my job, and I hated being at home. I feared a part of why I turned my papers in then was not just because Heavenly Father had told me to, but also to escape the life I felt trapped in. I felt as though I was simply existing, not living, and I hoped a mission would help me there.
14. Running Away (Midnight Hour) – Because of how I was feeling about my mission, I almost felt I was using it to run away. I heard this song and it described how I felt about it.
15. Angel of Darkness (Alex C) – When I left on my mission I was determined to help fight Satan, the Angel of Darkness. This song, in a way, will always be my theme song, since I will fight until the end.
16. Leave Out All the Rest (Linkin Park) – When I left my mission I was depressed and definitely not living up to my full potential. It took all of my strength just to make it through the day, and I felt as though I was dying.
17. Don’t Give Up (Judge Jules) – Although I was depressed when I came home, there was a flicker of hope, due to my absolute testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I realized that I needed to be true to myself and Heavenly Father, and no one else really mattered.
18. Breaking the Habit (Linkin Park) – I believe that everyone has something they are addicted to. For most people it’s not very obvious. Me? I was addicted to sorrow and depression. As I started therapy, I had to break that addiction.
19. Papercut (Linkin Park) – While the depression was at it’s worst, I felt as though there were several me’s inside my head, each trying to gain power over the others and laughing when they succeeded. I wasn’t sure which of them I truly was. It wasn’t until I embraced them all that I found some control over them.
20. Bring Me Back to Life (Evanescence) – As I said earlier, I felt as though I was dying when I got home. I was truly drowning in my depression, and it took a lot to find my way back up to the surface. Over the months following me getting home, I felt like I was coming back to life, and the world seemed brighter than it had in a long time.
21. Independently Happy (Blue October) – I cannot describe my feelings when I listened to this song for the first time and realized that I was truly independently happy. I didn’t need a guy, I didn’t need my depression, I didn’t need anything but the atonement in my life, and I was, for the first time I could remember, truly happy. It was likely the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.
22. One Step at a Time (Jordin Sparks) – I’m not done with my life, I’ve got a long way to go before this depression is fully conquered and I feel like I have complete control over my life. However, in the meantime, I am taking one step at a time, and letting my feet go where they will.

Good News!

2009-02-03T09:21:00.000-08:00

First off. I'm 23! Weird. My birthday was on Saturday, and while it was intensely boring, it was also really nice. With the money my grandparents gave me, I bought myself the book Inkheart, which is proving to be a very good read. I'm enjoying it a lot. I also got incredibly comfy shoes from my little sister, and nativity set from my parents (yes, that does make sense, because I collect them), and the first season of Samantha Who? from my friend, Heather. I haven't begun watching it yet, because I was finishing up Farscape, but I'm done with Farscape now, and I can move onto a new series. Looks like that will be Samantha Who? - I'll let you know what I think.
On Sunday, I got a bill from Etsy saying I actually owed them money. Which was weird to me, since they didn't want me to pay them until I owed them over $1, and I'd stayed at $.80 for a few months. Well, come to find out, I had sold two of my wands in the last month. One to Norway, and one to Spain. So I got the money for them, and sent them off yesterday. It was kind of exciting to realize that my wands were on their way to Europe.
Yesterday I got a call from Princess Tours, telling me that orientation begins this Saturday. YAY! I'm actually going to be learning something! Between now and then, however, I'm supposed to get a drug test, my CDL permit, and a physical (although they told me I could wait a little bit on the physical, since they told me so late). So now I need to study my little heart out so that I'll be smart enough to take the permit test. That also sounds like a lot of fun. My life has been so boring lately that anything is welcome.
The only bad news I've gotten the last little bit is that in order to fix my windshield wipers, they have to get an entirely new part, which will cost about $200. I don't really have $200. So this could be interesting. But hopefully that's all they'll need to do, so that should be good.

Don't pretend to know my job!

2009-01-30T09:15:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how most of my entries lately are me ranting about how obnoxious my job and boss are? I have. Sorry about that. One of these days I'll even do a couple of entries in a row that aren't. Today isn't one of those days.
My boss called me into her office today after I finished my work to "talk" (I always know when she says that, I'm going to come out of it a little upset). So she informed me of all the things I've done wrong. Of course, most of the things I actually haven't done wrong, except for today. Marj (one of the residents) decided after waiting for about two minutes this morning, that she wasn't going to stick around for the rest of breakfast. I'd already given her the fruit cup that everyone gets every morning, and had offered her a drink of either milk or juice. She ate her fruit, but refused her drink. So I figured, okay, lets get her breakfast quick then, so she'll have something to eat. I went into the kitchen to put the french toast on the griddle. Before they were even halfway done, Marj got up and left. Well, she's done that before, while I'm trying to cook her breakfast, so I figured she'd be back soon and she just needed to go do something in her room. That's what usually happens. About half an hour later, after I've fed everyone who was now out, one of my coworkers came out and informed (not me, the cook) my other coworker that Marj wasn't coming out for breakfast because she had waited too long for it. Now, she couldn't have been waiting in that chair more than five minutes between the time when I offered her a drink and the time she got up and left. Had she waited another two minutes, breakfast would have been ready (yes, five minutes later than I'm technically supposed to have breakfast on the table, sue me, I was tired), and she could have eaten. But she left, and I got in trouble for it. For the record, that hardly ever happens. In fact, I can't actually remember a time when it has. I'm sure it has, and I just didn't pay any attention to it, but that does show you that it really doesn't happen very often. The thing that bugged me the most is that I was explaining to my boss why I didn't have breakfast on the table right at eight, and she told me that I needed to have breakfast ready enough to feed at least one person at 0730. I like to see her try. And, although she tried to convince me otherwise, it would be a complete waste. No one is out by 0730 and ready to eat. She tried to tell me that Anne is, but this morning she didn't come out until between 0830 and 0845. Even when she does come out early, she asks when breakfast will be ready and I tell her how many more minutes until 0800 and she wanders around trying to exercise her legs. Every one of the residents are perfectly fine (apparently with the exception of Marj) of waiting until 0800 to eat. My boss is the only one who seems to have a problem with it (and, again, apparently Marj some days). Sometimes I really wonder if my boss is just trying to come up with things to blame on me. Because about half of the things she accuses me of, even if they were true, would be a bit of a stretch, that most people wouldn't have a problem with. And the other things that are true, only happened once or twice, are easily fixable and really, all in all, not that big of a deal. Yes, back when I was in charge of meds, and I was messing those up, that was a problem. There's a reason I asked her to make it so I wasn't in charge of those anymore. I don't want to hurt those residents. But getting upset at me (fortunately she wasn't too upset at this, or I'd be questioning her sanity) for stopping her from putting a dirty dish in my clean soapy dish water so I could rinse it off first, is a bit excessive. And ridiculous. I know my job. I know what those residents want for breakfast better than anyone, I can almost guarantee it. Ask me any question about breakfast about any day and any resident, and I can answer it. (As long as it's actually pertinent, and I wouldn't put it past my boss to ask a completely impertinent question and get mad because I didn't know the answer.)
Anyway, I've gotten that out of my system. Good night.

Pain and Priesthood blessings

2009-01-25T14:00:00.000-08:00

Today I went to my cousins farewell. Halfway through Sacrament meeting, my headache started getting worse and my stomach started hurting really badly. I stayed through Chane's talk, but had to leave right afterward. However, all that happened was that the pain in my stomach just got worse. So I stayed out in the foyer(ish) until the end of Sacrament meeting, then I went into the chapel to ask my dad if he could get someone to help him give me a blessing. I figured since both of my brothers were there, along with most of my uncles and my grandpa, it wouldn't take much to find someone. So my dad got Richard to join us and we went into an empty classroom. By this time my stomach hurt so badly that I could barely walk and I couldn't see because of the tears in my eyes. I don't cry for physical pain very easily, so that will tell you how bad it was.
So Richard and my Dad gave me a blessing. I have never had pain recede that quickly before. Almost as soon as my dad started the blessing the pain started to go away. By the time Dad was driving me home, I was exhausted, but fairly well pain-free. Interestingly enough, this also gave me a chance to learn something about myself. I mentioned how cool priesthood blessing were to my dad, and he told me that they had always worked on me. He said that sometimes when I was very little, too young to really know what was going on, I would be crying and nothing either of my parents could do could calm me down. But when Dad gave me a blessing I'd calm right down and go to sleep.
I look at all of the signs in my life that Heavenly Father loves me, and I wonder how people could not believe in him. I know that occasionally life stinks, but a lot of those times are times when Heavenly Father is trying to show you his love and how much you need to rely on him. This morning's pain was really bad, and I didn't like it at the time, but because of it, I was able to not only feel my Heavenly Father's love for me as he took the pain away, but my Dad's love for me as he showed his concern and gave me a blessing. I'm very grateful for times such as these.

Forgiveness

2009-01-20T14:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's experience that I ranted about on here helped me realize something. I don't hate easily. Even when I feel something akin to hatred, it goes away quickly usually. Yesterday I wrote in my journal that I hated my boss. Well, I don't. I no longer dislike her. I still don't like her, but this morning I was able to speak to her with indifference. This makes it go back to one person that I dislike. And that dislike could possibly be above the dislike category and hitting the hatred category. Because his offense was not against me. His offense was against someone I love as a sister and will always regard her as such. I have discovered that when an offense against me is made, it is forgiven quickly. Especially when it is such a small offense as simply insulting me. It doesn't change the fact that I still want a different job and that I don't like working with her, since she is, well, actually I'm not sure how to describe her that you could understand. You'd just have to meet her under the circumstances that her employees know her.
I'm glad to know that I can rise above her and forgive. I'm glad to know that no matter how much my boss bugs the crap out of me, I will not do anything to make it so that I'm not giving those residents the best care I can. If that means having to put up with her when I have to, so be it. For now.

Shoot me now!

2009-01-19T11:35:00.000-08:00

This is going to be somewhat of a rant. (I'm sure you've noticed that I do a lot of those).
So I worked the graveyard shift for my friend last night and this afternoon got a call from my boss railing into me about all of the things I did wrong. Of course, the only thing that I got out of her spiel that was actually my fault was that one of the residents was sopping wet when she got up this morning. Now, I would like to point out that this particular resident is wet most mornings, and the last (and only) time I worked a morning shift where I got her up she had soaked clear through two briefs and the sheets as well, because the night aide hadn't taken her to the bathroom at all. I did at least take her once and had to put up with her yelling at me because I was mean enough to make her do all the things that she's capable of doing by herself. I didn't do everything for her. OH MY GOSH!!! I am such a HORRIBLE person. I'm trying to keep her strong. Sue me.
So I'm now forbidden forever, from taking a night shift. Does this seem at all fair to anyone? I wish I could find another job that would be willing to hire me for only three months, but there never is anyone like that, and I'm moving in April. I cannot wait. For multiple reasons. This just adds to the list.
Okay. I'm done ranting now. I don't feel any better.

Soundtrack to Life

2009-01-14T19:34:00.000-08:00

Isn't it interesting how sometimes when you're walking along, listening to a song, it describes your life right then perfectly?
Maybe that's just me.
However, that has happened to me on many occasions. So I've been thinking about a soundtrack for my life. I've come up with a couple of songs for it. Of course, I would have to have Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning by Alan Jackson to remember Sept 11, 2001. The year in between High School and College would be Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson. My first college year would have to be Danger Zone from Top Gun and Someday Love Will Find You by Journey (Danger Zone was my "hot song" (all of the roommates had one) and one of my roommates was forever dedicating Someday Love Will Find You to almost anyone that was in the room). The time after that first year of college would be Suddenly by Superchick. The time right before my mission would be Running Away by Midnight Hour. The time right before I came home from my mission would be Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park. The time right after my mission would have to be Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park, Bring Me to Life by Evanescence, and Papercut by Linkin Park. And right now would be Independently Happy by Blue October.
It will be interesting to find out what songs coincide with the adventure I will take this summer to Alaska.

The Force?

2009-01-08T15:23:00.000-08:00

May the Force be with you! We've all heard this line hundreds, if not millions of times. But what does it mean? I don't think I want it with me.
I was watching, on and off, Star Wars Episode three on Monday. Of course, we all know what happens. Out of desperation to save his beloved wife, Padme, from dying in child birth, Anakin turns to the dark side, essentially killing her.
But what bothered me when I watched it this time was not the fact that he was so incredibly blind, but what Yoda says to him at one point.
"The fear of loss is a path to the dark side. . . Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is. . . Train yourself to let go... of everything you fear to lose."
So what are they saying? That we should never love anyone? Of course they are. That's why Anakin turned isn't it? Because he loved too much. So what about Obi-Wan? He loved Anakin. It killed him when he had to destroy Anakin. But what eventually leads to the downfall of the Empire? Love. A Jedi Knight refuses to kill a Sith Lord out of love. And the Dith Lord has that love awakened in him and saves his son. Luke mourns his father. It's one of the most beautiful parts of the entire series. Love saves Anakin.
The fear of loss isn't what turned him. He didn't want to loose his wife because he loved her, yes. But he could have taken a different path. Had he taken a different path, she would have lived. Had he truly loved her, he never could have hurt her the way he did. I believe he thought he loved her. But to truly love someone means to never go down a path that they cannot follow and expect them too.
I guess what really bothered me, is that you cannot live without love. The Jedi way of life is by practice a loving life, because they protect life. They care about others. But you cannot allow yourself happiness, joy, and love because (as there is opposition in all things, even in the sci fi world) those emotions can lead to sadness, pain, and jealousy. However, not allowing yourself to feel those emotions will lead somewhere far worse. Apathy. If you are not happy, you don't necessarily have to be sad. You can just be there. You can just exsist. But if you start caring about people, you might just grow to love them. If you love them and they are lost to you, then you will feel sorrow. And, to quote Yoda again, that can lead to anger, which leads to hate, which can lead to gasp! suffering! Well, which one of us hasn't suffered? Yoda himself has suffered. But I know from many experiences that suffering is much less if you have someone that you love and that loves you back to share in that.
So I suppose that's my rant for the day. I like the force they portray in the last three movies, but the force in the first three in competely apathetic and seems as dark to me as the dark side. The dark side doesn't love simply because they are evil. The light side doesn't love because they aren't allowed. All in all, not a whole lot of love going around.

Moving to Alaska

2009-01-07T16:48:00.000-08:00

So I got the job in Alaska that I wanted. I cannot wait! My Mom really wants someone to drive up there with me, I'm not sure who though. My aunt really wants to go to Alaska, and I think spending a week and a half with her would be really fun. I don't know. I think the whole trip would at least be much less boring if someone were with me. The question is, would whoever it is be okay with my music? Cause I'm planning on having a LOT of CD's with me and and MP3 player that will play over the radio. I need music when I drive, or I can't concentrate. That could be interesting while I'm driving a bus. Maybe I'll get over my constant need for music while I'm there. . . but probably not.
Training starts sometime next month, and from what I understand, I should be paid minimum wage for the hours I spend learning. Isn't that AWESOME? I'm getting paid to learn. The thing I love to do almost more than anything, and I'm getting paid for it. I love it.
Anyway, That's my update. Pretty short, I know, but that's life right now. Fairly boring (until I move anyway. Hopefully I'll have a lot of updates then).

The end of the old, the beginning of the new

2009-01-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

Before I begin, let me just say that 2008 was very good to me. I had many wonderful experiences, not the least of these being my incredible mission. But let me tell you, it did not start out too great.
2008 started out as most of my years do, at my grandparent's house, which is fine. But around 11:55, I started getting an incredibly bad headache. Right at midnight, it shot clear out of the roof and left me in tears - due to the abnormally loud noise then emanating from my family as they celebrated the new year. I didn't complain for about five minutes, allowing the fact that they were excited about something I really wasn't. But after five minutes of non stop horn blowing and screaming (I couldn't figure out how the younger cousins hadn't woken up yet), I began to wonder when they would stop. I finally had to go outside to get away from the noise, although I could still hear it. I was fairly sobbing now, my head hurt so badly, and I was cold on top of it. But I lay down on the driveway, and tried to wait it out and let my family enjoy their moment. It was not the best way to start a new year.
2009 began in a much quieter and more Julie Ann-ish way.
I had been invited by a friend to a party, which I actually had been planning on going to; until I got too into my book. I began it at about 6:00, and by the time it would have been time to go, I was just getting to the best part of the book, and I wasn't really feeling that celebratory anyway. So I texted my friend, told her I was feeling anti-social and wouldn't make it, and then went back to my book, glancing up every once in a while to check and see how long it would be until midnight. Even with my checking, I missed it by about a minute. A little before 12:01, I once again glanced at my watch and noticed that it was, officially, 2009. So I absently said Happy New Year to myself, and went back to my book, which was at the part that absolutely thrilled me by this time. At 12:15, I finished my book, said good night to my surprisingly still awake father, and went downstairs to my bed. Well, 2009 was already starting out better than 2008, but I still wanted to truly start this year out correctly. So I pulled out my scriptures and read. I only really had time for one chapter, as I had work at 7:00 the next morning, and really needed sleep, but I read anyway and then wrote shortly in my journal. Feeling I had accomplished my goal to start 2009 well, I put everything away, and turned off my light and went to bed.
So that is how I rang in this year. If I can say so without offending anyone, I liked it better than any other new year, and I'm tempted to do it again for 2010. We'll see.

Esophagogastroduodenoscopy

2008-12-29T19:36:00.000-08:00

That's a REALLY long word for the procedure I had done this morning. It almost takes as long to say as it did for them to do. In lay man's terms, a doctor looked at my esophagus, stomach, and duodenum (the first part of the small intestine) to see if there was anything wrong with them. And the news is . . . there wasn't. They all look perfectly healthy. I even got pictures. Unfortunately, I can't put them here for your to enjoy, as I don't have any way to scan them in. :( I know you will all be very depressed about that. :D
It was kind of cool to be put under this time. This was a procedure that I had no desire to be awake for, although I wouldn't have minded watching the video, as they stuffed a tube down my throat. That would have been very uncomfortable to be awake for. It was kind of funny when the nurse asked me if I wanted a warm blanket to help calm my nerves. I guess most people would be nervous about that, but I wasn't even nervous when I was actually getting surgery, so this was absolutely nothing. She gave me a warm blanket anyway, which I appreciated, since I was actually colder than I thought I was.
So I've spent the day sitting around being really lazy since I wasn't allowed to drive anywhere for twenty four hours. The ironic part is that they also suggest that you don't make any important decisions or sign legal documents for twenty four hours either, but I'm actually more awake now than I was at 0730 this morning when they were having me sign legal documents. How's that?
So that's my excitement for the day (or month, really). Good times.

Live like you were dying

2008-12-22T19:26:00.000-08:00

I watched the movie Return With Honor today, and it inspired some questions. The premise of the movie is that one the way home from his mission, a young man gets into a fatal car accident and is sent back with 60 days left. Then the movie shows what he does with those 60 days.
But it brought about the question - what would I do if I knew I only had 60 days left to live? What would I do with that time? And the answer is . . . I have absolutely no idea. I know I'd make sure everyone knew how much I loved them. But what would I do? How would I want my legacy in this world to end?
And of course, this always brings up the thought - no one knows when they are going to die. I may die tomorrow, or I may live to be 90 years old so I can complain about every little thing like my residents. But what if I die tomorrow? Will I have any regrets? Will I be ready? Will I have left anything unsaid that desperately needed to be said? Will I leave this life with enemies that I could have made up with? How would the world take the news of my death?
I love at the end of Return With Honor (this isn't really giving anything away, you might just think it is), Rowe (the RM) calls up his best friend and asks him to come over early in the morning, before his mother wakes up, so that she's not alone when she finds her son's body. Would I be so considerate that I was putting everyone else needs before my own, or would I simply be nervous beyond anything and just be waiting for death to come for me? I'd like to think that I'd be thinking of others.
Anyway, those are my thoughts today. Anyone else want to put in some?

Christmas is coming

2008-12-21T16:48:00.000-08:00

You know, as Christmas looms nearer, I'm actually surprised at how much I don't want for Christmas this year. I have been asked by a few friends what I wanted, and I haven't been able to give them a good answer. Anyone who knows me well, knows that a book is always a safe bet, but I really don't care if I don't get anything from anyone except my parents this year. (My parents are giving me a very special present that I've waited a year to get) A guy mentioned in his talk about how, when you're on your mission, you don't really want anything for Christmas. While I never had a Christmas out in the field, it did remind me of my birthday out there. My companion asked me what I wanted for my birthday and honestly, the only thing I wanted was a new investigator. I can't remember who we were meeting with at the time, but I wanted them to progress, to find the truth. I do remember that we did, indeed, get a new investigator that day. And I had the most amazing dinner. This was at the time I thought I had Celiac (which, by the way, I do not), and there was a family in the Hershey ward that had two sons on gluten free diets. They made a most wonderful dinner and every single thing on the table was gluten free. They even made me a cake. But the part I remember the most is that I made myself a cake the night before and realized that I hadn't bought anything to make icing with when we had gone shopping the previous preparation day. Well, of course, we didn't have time to make a stop at the store in the middle of the week, so it looked as though I was doomed to have no icing. But I told Sister Bastian that if it was okay with Heavenly Father for me to have icing for my birthday cake, He would somehow provide some. She laughed and we went through the day. After dinner, Sister Hopkins asked us if we wanted to take some icing home, since she had somehow made twice as much as she had needed. Sister Bastian and I looked at each other, our eyes slightly wide. When questioned, Sister Bastian explained what I had said earlier that day. That was my biggest birthday present. A firmer testimony that Heavenly Father knows each one of us and nothing is to small for him to care about. I would have been fine without that icing. But I wanted some. And a loving Father, who saw no ill effects of me getting icing for my birthday, provided it for me. That's what I want for Christmas. A stronger testimony and the knowledge that others are getting what they want. That, this Christmas, would mean more to me than a hundred presents wrapped beneath the tree.

Cross my fingers and hope to move!

2008-12-17T20:11:00.000-08:00

I had my job interview for the job with Princess Tours today and have another one scheduled for tomorrow. I'm thoroughly excited and honestly just got more excited the more he told me about it. I applied in Anchorage, which it sounds like is sort of the central hub for the Alaska section. As a bus driver, I may get the opportunity to go to the other resorts for a sort time as well, since one of them is 400 miles away, and I don't know how far the others are. I can't believe I'm going to be driving a greyhound type bus. Can you see me handling that large of a vehicle? I'm used to Freya, who's, quite frankly, fairly small. I can't wait. My mom says I have to get my stomach problems under control or I can't go (which is completely understandable), but I really think I've just got an ulcer. I haven't had too bad of pain since Sunday, and I discovered that day that milk (which is an antacid) helps immensely. Which leads me to believe that it's an ulcer. So, I should have it fixed by the time I leave, and have no problems. I will, of course, have to continue to take antacids every day (maybe even more than one time per day), but as long as I do that, and avoid incredibly acidic foods (like onions! :'( sniff), I should be just fine. In a jam, I can always toss back a teaspoon of vinegar, which has, for some odd reason, really helped in the past. I'm not sure why though. Weird.
So that's my latest news. Now I just have to figure out how to fit my entire life into my tiny little car. What can I take, and what do I have to leave home? We'll find out.

What to do?

2008-12-16T19:10:00.001-08:00

So, sorry about my last post. I hope no one minded my ranting. It was a little whiny, wasn't it? Oh well.
I went to TKD again tonight. Everyone was excited to see me back after having been gone for two weeks. The problem is, I'm contemplating quitting until October. I've got a job interview tomorrow for the Alaska job and if I get that, I'm going to need all the money I can get so that I can pay for my trip up there and first month of rent and deposit on my apartment. If I continue TKD, I'm out $300 by April. That's almost enough for the whole deposit right there. Or at least to pay for the trip up there. I'm planning on stopping in Gaston, Oregon to visit my MTC companion, then Forks, Washington - just because it's on the way and I CAN! Then, if she'll let me, spend a few days in Victoria and Vancouver, Canada with another former companion (I haven't had a chance to talk to her about it, as she doesn't get home until next week). So I have to get a passport, which will cost $100 by itself, and pay for the trip, at the very least! I just don't think I can spend any money I don't absolutely have to.
The problem is, I don't know if this is me being logical and sacrificing something I want for something I want more. . . Or if it's just the depression talking, trying to make me sit on my butt al day long crocheting or embroidering. TKD is good for me, and when I first started I was having a lot of fun. But tonight, I didn't so much. And then the heater kicked on, and I don't know WHAT it was, but something sturred in the air, filling the room with some sort of fragrance and effectively making it so I couldn't breathe. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to do kicks when you can't breathe? Even when they turned the heater off, the damage had been done, the headache was beginning, and I felt sick to my stomach. Typical reaction to a fragrance I'm allergic to. I hate allergies.
So that's my story. Any suggestion, advice, or even degrading remarks are welcomed.

What the heck?

2008-12-12T11:24:00.000-08:00

I have not, as of late, been feeling very well. I finally called the doctor yesterday and got in last night. Why it took me so long to call was because it is just the same pain as I've had for five years. Except it seems to be coming back with an even harder vengeance than before. I hate going to the doctor and not being able to really tell him anything other than "I know there's something wrong with me, I just don't know what". It's getting tedious. Generally, when I go and see him, the pain happens to be gone and no matter where he pushes, it doesn't hurt. Which doesn't help him with his diagnostic. Fortunately (or unfortunately for my stomach) the pain came back while I was waiting in the lobby. It hurt, but at least he was able to make a diagnostic. And it was . . . IBS. Can you believe that? I hate that diagnostic. My aunt just went through a whole slew of tests for them to finally decide that's what was wrong with here. But basically, that's just a fancy way of saying "Sorry, we have absolutely no idea what's wrong with you. Take in more fiber and if you notice something makes the pain worse, don't eat it." Wow. Thanks for that. I never would have thought to not eat something if it hurts to eat it! How amazing! I can't complain too bad, though, he did give me something for the abdominal pain I've been having, which feels like a knife right below my sternum. You know, where you'd do the Heimlich maneuver? He decided that was muscle pain, and prescribed some Levsin, which you're supposed to let dissolve under your tongue, but tastes absolutely nasty. When I saw on the instructions that it would be chewed or swallowed as well, I quickly took the swallowing route. He also gave me an antacid, to see if it helps, because if it does, it might be an ulcer, and we'll probably be adding an additional antidepressant because the one I'm taking now isn't enough or something. I'm still having problems concentrating and it's driving me NUTS. I've made more mistakes on the meds for the residents where I work in the last few weeks than I did the whole rest of the time I worked there. Being absent minded is one thing, but when it starts effecting other people's health, it's time to do something about it. Needless to say, with the vitamins I was already taking, and the pills he added, I'm taking more pills every morning than any of my residents except for one, and I'm catching up with her quick. They think that's pretty funny though. I'm glad someone's laughing at the situation. Now I just have to figure out what I get to learn from this. Because if there's one thing I know, it's that you always have something to learn from every situation. No exceptions.

Come What May, and Love It.

2008-12-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

A beautiful Life is shown here today,
Full of trials, temptation, and pain.
A wonderful life is now on display,
Full of lightening and thunder and rain.

What makes life happy and joyful and good?
Not just the pain-free, cheerful times.
What makes life happy is misunderstood.
We need opposition in all it's rhymes.

The beauty of life would soon cease to be,
Without the bad things we seem to face.
We need all the sorrow so that we can see
With hard effort we'll win the race.

What helps us to learn to endure the pain?
What helps us to rise above it?
The answer is simple, we'll shout the refrain.
"Come What May, and Love it!"

This blog entry is dedicated to our recently passed on General Authority, Joseph B. Wirthlin. It was inspired by his last conference Talk, "Come What May, and Love It."
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-947-9,00.html

What is this thing that Men call Life?

2008-12-03T20:59:00.000-08:00

How do you know when something is right or wrong? How do you know when doing something would be good for you or if you would regret it for the rest of your life? Or at least a few years. I wish I could get answers as definitively as I got the answer to go on a mission. Or the answer to come home. Those answers were so clear, it was easy to follow. The thing is, I'm not good at leaps of faith. I never have been. My goal when I left my mission was to have no fear and to just jump into things I want with all my heart, but so far it's just left me mangled on the ground. Some of those things have left me more mangled than others, but they've all left scars. I know that's life, and it happens to everyone, but do I really want to rush towards the things that will scar me? How do I know what will scar me? What if, while running from things that have scarred me, I run headlong into something that scars me even more (although, how that's possible, I'm not sure)?
Why can't I be who I want to be instead of who I've always been? I have an image in my head of who I want to be, but every time I seem get closer to her, I get yanked away by heartache or depression, or some such pain. I'm trying to be honest with myself, and look at myself indifferently, but that's seemingly impossible (how you can look at yourself indifferently, I don't know, which is probably part of the problem). What more can I do? I just feel lost within myself lately and don't know where to run.

The Provebial Roller Coaster

2008-12-02T20:31:00.000-08:00

Nothing annoys me more than life coming at you all at once. First, we had thanksgiving, which actually went off a LOT better than I had anticipated, which I was thankful for. Then we had my all nighter at work, which was crazy. In between 6am Thursday morning and 11:30pm Friday night, I got a grand total of three hours of sleep. I'm amazed I was still functioning and polite at the end of them. Then Saturday, I was able to go to the Jordon River Temple to do and endowment session, which should have been AMAZING, but I couldn't get in the right spirit, no matter how much I tried (it didn't help that I was so tired I was falling asleep periodically). Sunday I had work, got off late, went home and crashed instead of going to church. Then yesterday, I had to call in sick at work and spent most of the day on the couch, watching TV. Halfway though the day, my ex-boyfriend called me up asking if he could come over and talk. I'll admit, I was nervous pretty much the rest of the day and that mixed with the cold I still have didn't make for a pleasurable day, no matter how much I was enjoying drooling over Gilbert Blythe. The talk went down fine, and I needn't have been nervous, but you always are. "I need to talk with you" are scary words. Anyway, today I've been feeling the roller coaster doing loops all over. I got to take an hour long shower a little while ago, which made me feel absolutely great! But no I'm coming down off of the high and I feel like I'm hitting yet another low - the kind I had when I wasn't taking anti-depressents. I really hope that the derpression isn't pushing through the medication, but it sure seems to be. It seemed to be working for a little while, but I can't feel it anymore. It might be that I really need to be meeting with my therapist, but she can't see me until January. Not so happy about that.
I hope no one minds my rant. Writing always seems to help, no matter where or what about. And since my books don't seem to be going anywhere, I'll write here.
I'm thinking about moving to Alaska this summer to get a job. I'd be gone from the beginning of May to the end of September. I'm a little hesitant, because I really want to be here for the midnight showing of Harry Potter, but I'm not fure that's enough to make me give this opportunity up. I think it would be very good for me. I need to get more of the particulars, but I am seriously considering it. The only question would be, am I going because I want to go? Or am I going because I don't want to be here anymore? Who knows?

Thanksgiving- Giving Thanks!

2008-11-27T14:33:00.000-08:00

I wrote this poem my Senior year in High school when our house was going through some remodeling. I feel it still applies.

Thanks be to God

Of all the things I’m thankful for
There’s many that come to mind.
All the ones you think about
When you think of Thanksgiving.

A warm house, a loving family, a bed to sleep in,
A coat, some boots, gloves, and other warm clothes.
But then there are the things everyone takes for granted.
Those are the things I’m most thankful for at this time.

An electrical outlet, how wonderful to plug things in.
A kitchen sink, the ability to do dishes without dragging water from the tub.
An oven, what a fabulous thing to have warm food.
A microwave, it’s nice to be able to warm things up quickly and efficiently.

I’m thankful for the good times I have with my family,
All the snowball fights – the “old men” against the young kids
I love to watch a mother say she’ll regret it, but throwing a snowball at her son anyway.
I love to watch a twenty year old man become a kid again as he gently wrestles his cousin to the ground.

I’m thankful for pain, because without it we could never enjoy not having it.
I’m thankful for illness, because without it we couldn’t enjoy being well.
I’m thankful for my mother, who has helped me through hard times.
She has, at times, been the only one to understand me, and pull me through.

But of all the things I’m thankful for
I think the ones I’m thinking of most
Is love and life and most of all,
The reminder of thing I’m thankful for.

I'm amazed at the small, insignificant things that we tend to over look when thanking, but that enrich our lives greatly. That was most of the point of this poem. I was looking for things that I didn't usually think of when I give thanks. When I think about how richly I've been blessed in my life, it almost overwhelms me. Who can not believe in God when you look at all the beautiful things around us. Yes, there are also horrible things, but when looked at in the right perspective, almost anything can be turned for good. God told Adam that the ground would be cursed for his sake . How often do we just look at the negative side and not recognize that this, perhaps bad, thing happened for our sakes.
While on my mission, one of my companions told me a story about a lady who could not get along with her mother-in-law. She tried, she prayed, she visited the temple, but she still butted heads with her. One day, while in the temple, she had the thought "what if, this lady had loved me so much before this life that she volunteered to help me grow, even if it meant that I might not love her in this life. If I knew that, how could I keep from running to her and sobbing out my thanks?" Heavenly Father loves us more than any of us are capable of loving someone. He could take us out of bad situations, he could give us an ideal life, but he doesn't. Why? Because if he did, we might not be able to make it back to his presence someday. With that in mind, how can we keep from dropping to our knees at night and sobbing out our thanks for all our many trials? It is through them that it is possible to return. God doesn't like to see us hurting, but he allows it so that we can come back to him in the long run.
I'm so thankful.

Calendars and Pennsylvania

2008-11-26T16:33:00.000-08:00

I am currently creating, as I do every year, calendars for my extended family. I can't tell you how grateful I am for Calendar Creator, which keeps track of all of the birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries for me. Every year there are more of them. Every year I have to add another one or two. But I am extensively glad that I only have to worry about them for a few seconds as I run back over the past year trying to remember who has been added to our family. This year, I only had to add three people. Now, this makes this task sound fairly easy, and you would expect that after having done this job since my mom bequeathed it around the time I started high school that I would have a handle on it by now and I wouldn't make any mistakes. You would be wrong. Every year, I ruin between ten and fifty sheets of card stock. So far, I've ruined only two, but I'm not even a fourth the way through yet. And so, I figured while these are printing I might as well rant on my blog. I've got nothing else to do. :D
I have been missing Pennsylvania a lot lately. I'm not sure what has brought it on, whether I'm finally getting past my depression enough to be able to look back on my mission and love it, or seeing my old district leader in my friend's ward, or just thinking about how beautiful it probably is right now. I had looked forward to seeing Pennsylvania in the fall and never actually got the chance. I hope to next year though.
I was thinking about my mission while driving home today. If someone were to ask me what the worst time of my life was, I would likely respond with my mission. But I would answer the same if asked what the best time of my life was. A mission is so amazingly encompassing that it's absolutely impossible to describe with words. I cannot tell you of the love I feel for the people and the place. I miss the people more than I truly miss PA, but I do miss the state as well. Oddly enough, I miss the spaghetti-like roads as much as anything. I miss the smell of chocolate in Hershey as you walk out the door, I miss the smell of sewage in Hershey as you walk out the door. I miss wondering which it was going to smell like on any given day. I miss walking down the street on Chocolate Ave, passing all of the interesting churches, restaurants, bars, clubs. All those places I never actually went into, but caught a lot of people as they exited, hoping to get them interested in discovering the truth. I miss walking forty-five minutes to get to a less-active's house in Lititz, never quite knowing what might come out of his mouth while you were there, if you would be teaching, or if he would be. I wonder how he's doing. I love the people I served so much I can almost physically feel the love filling my heart as I think about them. And I miss them so much it's almost painful sometimes. I know I'm where Heavenly Father wants me to be, as odd as that sounds sometimes, but I wish I could go back and visit sooner rather than later. Oh, how I loved and hated my mission!

The random things learned

2008-11-15T15:12:00.000-08:00

Sorry, Heather, can't think of anything else. Be more specific. :)
So on Thursday, while at Taekwondo, my master told me I was the fastest learner he'd ever had. That made me feel pretty good. I contribute it to Marching Band and Colorguard. I think of all the times when Nancy expected us to know a move after only seeing it one time, and I cringe. I always resented that, because I never could learn as fast as she wanted me to. But now I can. I watched him do the many things I learned on Thursday only once and I was able to do them. I was amazed. Later that night I was thinking about all the things I learned from Marching Band and was surprised a little at the rather lengthy list. I guess I shouldn't have been, but I was. I learned how to gauge approximately how far away something is. I learned how to respect authority. I learned how to be on time. I learned how to learn quickly. I learn how to work with a group. I learned how to be responsible for myself. I also learned that learning to music helps me learn. I'm sure there are a lot more things I learned from it, but those are the things that really stick out to me right now.
I've been rather bored with my life lately. I really want to do something exciting, but I have no idea what. I just want to do something that I've never done before. But I don't have the money for anything. So what can you do that's exciting and different that costs no money? Something to push past the monotony and onto fun? I'm so sick of monotony. I've been feeling very stagnant lately and it's fairly driving me crazy. Suggestions are appreciated. :D

Indestructible

2008-11-13T15:37:00.000-08:00

Well, As Aubrey pointed out, I have been very lax on my blog. Sorry about that. Life has been interesting these last two months since I wrote. I started taking Taekwondo, which for the record is AWESOME! I'm absolutely loving it. I also started a new book which I have decided to call Indestructible (thus the name). I haven't gotten as far as I might like to have, but considering how much I've worked on it, it's going a lot faster than the Jeneal Bauman trilogy. That's still going a grand total of nowhere. And it's still driving me nuts. Why can't I just write when I want to? I think I've written maybe a page in Portals since I wrote here last. It's driving me crazy! But I've written about six pages on Indestructible, so it's kind of making up for it. Kind of.
The other reason for the name of this entry is because of my favorite song, which I actually heard after I named my book, but is also entitled indestructible, by Disturbed. It's just a great song. I finally learned all the words and can almost talk fast enough to sing along with it. Metal songs are generally pretty fast songs. But it makes me happy every time I listen to it.
Right now I'm sitting next to my incredibly cute adopted niece. I call her adopted because while her mother is not actually my sister, she might as well be. I'm glad to have the extra family.
I've also recently become a Mary Kay consultant. Which means that I have a lot to learn and I need a lot of faces to practice on. It will be interesting to see if this all works out. I'm a little nervous, since I've never done anything like this before in my life. Hopefully I learn quickly.
So I guess I've now updated everything. It shouldn't take me two months to write another post next time, I promise. I don't know when the next one will be, but it will happen soon.

Annoyance

2008-09-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

So, I've been trying to work on my book, Portals, ever since I got home. It's definitely alluding me. The problem is that I have begun yet another book. This one is annoying because I don't know where it's headed. It just started writing itself in my head. So I had to get it down on paper. I've found that unless I get it down on paper, it keeps pounding in my head until I either go insane, or I write it down. But if I wait too long, it's not as good as if I write it right then. So I write.
I have a goal of finishing Portals by the end of the year and I would really like to send it into a publisher and see if I can get it published, but if I can't write it, I can't send it. So that's my annoyance at my brain.
Any ideas on how to help me would be much appreciated. :)

Black out?

2008-08-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

Today I gave plasma. You know that stuff that looks like apple juice that runs through your veins and if you "donate" it they give you money? Good times! I got paid for sitting there, watching "The Goonies"! (Which I didn't get to finish, by the way, which is sad, since I've never seen it before) So after finishing up and getting paid my $30, I headed over to the Dollar Store, where I'd be able to get some clips for my hair. As I was standing in line, I had an odd sensation come over me. My ears started fading and my vision started getting darker. Well, I've has this before, anytime I stand up too fast, but it usually goes away pretty quick, so I thought not much of it and patiently waited for it to go away. Unfortunatly, it wasn't leaving, and as I stood there, it seemed to be getting worse. Now, I've never passed out before, but when your knees start threatening to buckle underneath you, anyone can come up with the brilliant idea "Hey, maybe I shouldn't be standing!" My thoughts were more along the lines of, "This is a very interesting sensation. Should I allow it to go on, or should I say something? If I let it go on, I might actually pass out. That would be a first. But then they would have to call the ambulance, and that could be, not only embarrasing, but expensive as well. So, probably not such a good idea. So, gathering a little energy, I asked for water. Have you ever spoken while in this kind of situation? It's also an interesting experience. Your voice doesn't sound like it's actually yours. You can feel your mouth moving, but you're only half sure that sound is coming out, but somehow the people around you can understand. Noticing the familiar band around my arm, which is always a sure-fire sign that blood has been given, the lady behind me spoke up, "Did you give blood today?" Half of me was thinking "No lady, I just like to put a big section of idodine on my arm and wrap it with this stuff so that I look like I gave blood. It's all part of my conspiracy to take over the world. Hello!" But fortunately, the outside me just nodded. And promptly sat down on the floor in the middle of the aisle. I felt a little better after having a little water, but that didn't stop them from giving me a candy bar and some orangeade. (Is that like lemonade and limeade? How many "ade"s are they gonna make?) People were offering me rides left and right, saying that I shouldn't drive in that condition. For the very first time ever (and probably the last) I was happy that I had my stupid little Tracfone so that I could call my mom instead of bum a rise off of some random stranger. (I'm not good with strangers, especially when they're being overly kind. Weirds me out.) So, I got up to go out to my car and wait, was informed that someone else had paid for all of my stuff, including all of the food and my hair clips, and then was hugged (way too tightly) by the cashier. (Remember what I said about strangers?) I was grateful to be out of there. Now that it's over, I'm glad I had the experience. It will make it that much easier to describe it when I come across a time I need a character to faint in one of my books. Granted, I didn't actually faint, but all that was left was for me to hit the ground. I'll save that for next time.

Phones and more spiders

2008-08-25T13:07:00.002-07:00

Well, I now officially have three phones! It's actually driving me nuts. I really don't want to use this "tracfone" thing, but right now I don't have a choice since I can't sign another contract until I know for sure whether or not I'm staying here. So I once again, have a bar phone. I got rid of my other one for a reason! And it this one is anything like Angela's (which I must assume it is, since it's identical) I don't like talking on it. :P But at least I'll have a phone. I just wish I could use my other one. I LOVE my other phone. I even liked my Cricket phone more than I like this one. Ugh. Oh well.

Well, I had a request on the "pouncing spider" story, so I'll tell it to you. I was sitting on Sister Turcotte's porch, talking to her and Sister Fry, when I happened to look over and I saw the above spider crawling across her banister. It's not a very pretty spider, so I was commenting on how ugly it was when it turned and looked at me. I mean, I SERIOUSLY felt like we locked eyes. (Ever locked eyes with a spider? CREEPY!) Anyway, it started wiggling it's butt up and down and just as I was about to laugh and say, "It looks like it's about to pounce me", it DID! I'll be honest, I screamed like a little girl and jumped up and shook myself really hard, just to make sure it wasn't on me. Then I looked at the chair I had been sitting on and there it was. I had to take a picture. Sister Fry and Sister Turcotte were both laughing at me pretty hard and Sister Fry said I probably shouldn't have called it ugly. She's probably right.

The Evils

2008-08-21T11:22:00.000-07:00

I hate job hunting. Maybe that's why I still don't have a job. I am just so lazy. And I can't find my resume anywhere on this computer (which is driving me batty - I know, short trip as my dad would say). Why can't people just come to you and say "hey! We're hiring and we would love to have you work for us. Please fill out this application." ? Yeah, I know. It doesn't work that way. :P I've decided that in order to get a job, I should go back to PA. EVERYONE is hiring there. But that would, of course, defeat the purpose of me being here in the first place. So, does anyone know someone who is hiring?
I'd also like to report the evils of Spiders. There is currently one in my bed (I think) because I have two bites on each arms and I don't know where they came from. The only thing I can think of is that I didn't actually kill the spider that was on my bed a week ago, and now it's biting me in revenge for trying to vacuum it up. Well, the joke is on it, because I'll get rid of it somehow or another. Even if I have to completely disinfect my bedroom. (Which would probably be a good idea anyway.) So there EVIL SPIDER! I guess the reason why I didn't kill it before is that I have developed a slight fear of spiders ever since that one spider pounced me at Sister Turcotte's house. It was creepy. I don't like spiders suddenly jumping on me. Even if it did give me slight warning. It still was NOT cool.
Those are the current evils in my life. Hope it was entertaining. Probably not. I'll try better next time.

The Reasons (kind of)

2008-08-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

So, the reasons why I'm home, since you have all been asking. Well, it's medical. Yes, it probably has something to do with my Celiac disease, as far as the fact that we're wondering if I even have it at all. The symptoms of whatever I have haven't gone away, so I'm still having problems. We'll be getting me looked at and I get to have all kinds of tests done. I have no idea when or even IF I'll be able to go back out. So, those are (some of) the reasons. The rest, you'll all just have to wonder about, because I'm not going to tell you! :D nope, nothing bad or anything. It's all good. And so none of you wonder, I fasted and prayed a lot about this decision, so I know it's the right one. I'll keep you updated as much as I can.

I'm home!

2008-08-12T22:04:00.000-07:00

So I'm home from my mission. I'll have to put a whole bunch of mission pictures up on here so that people can see all of my fun times. Because it has definitely been great fun. It's weird to be home, and yet, it seems completely normal. I'm very excited about my dad's and my date tomorrow in which we are going to the TEMPLE!!! I haven't been in about eight months and the is WAY to long. so I'm going the first chance I get. But I should probably go to bed, I'm still running on Pennslyvania time, so my body thinks that it's 1:15 in the morning. :) Good night!

I'm gone!

2008-01-02T06:01:00.000-08:00

For the next year and a half I will be serving the Lord in the Pennsylvania Harrisburg mission. Which means that my blog will go neglected. Unless I can somehow convince someone to upload all of my e-mails onto here, which I would still like to do. If not, sorry to everyone. If you would like to be on the e-mail list, e-mail me. if you don't know my e-mail or someone you can get it from, likely you don't know me well enough to be on the email list, so sorry. I'm not going to write it on here, (a) because I don't know if that's the one I'll be using, and (b) I don't really want my e-mail address to be public knowledge. So there ya go. :)
See you all in July of 2009!

Tierra and Jason's Reception

2007-12-28T11:53:00.000-08:00

I went to two of my good friends' reception last night. (They got married to each other.) It was really happy. It is weird that they are married though. We've all been expecting it for years, but to have it here already is just crazy. The fact that I won't see them again for a year and a half is also a little weird. But it was a lot of fun to celebrate with them and to see all of my other friends that were there that I hadn't seen in a while. I had at least one friend there whom I hadn't seen since before his mission. It's a good thing I saw him now, or it would have been a very long time between seeing each other. I'm sure we would have survived though. :)
Well, I suppose that's my life right now. I'm frantically trying to get packed and clean my room so my mom doesn't have to do it after I leave. So this is all I'll write. If and when Jason and Tierra read this again, Congratulations once more, and WRITE TO ME!!!

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T08:39:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas day! Santa left a whole bunch of presents under the tree (that's a first for him, he usually just sets them next to our stockings). My mother informed us that they were "giving presents" and that the tag was inside. So each of us would unwrap one and then give it to whomever it belonged. I got a lot of them, as I'm going on a mission and all of my Christmas was what I needed for that endeavor. Santa also gave me a digital camera. Imagine my humor when I opened the present from my cousin, and found another one! So I believe I will take one with me and leave one here to be used as occasion needs. That means that the twins could take it with them to various activities and take pictures. This could be funny, since the family also has two different cameras. We apparently now have a lot of digital cameras in our family.

My Grandparents gave me pajamas. I think they've realized that I'm the only girl that doesn't mind pink, so I seem to get all of the pink things. They are very careful to not give either of my sisters pink anything. So my pajamas are pink, Angela's are blueish, and Trina's are blue and greenish. We were all okay with that. The fun thing is, one of my cameras matches my pajamas! That is very important. :)

Family History

2007-12-20T20:31:00.000-08:00

So I've been going kind of crazy lately doing my family history. I have to take a couple stories of my ancestors with me on my mission. so I've been gathering stories and while at it, updating my PAF file. I think I may be driving my mother nuts because I've been at it almost all day, every day for at least the last week. the problem is, while I have a computer in my room, it doesn't have internet connection, and I've been doing quite a bit of it online. I think I was abnormally excited when I found some information that I had previously not had, and I hadn't gotten from my grandparents. I've gotten most of my info from them, but I'm running out of stuff that I can get from them, and I'm soon going to have to start working on my own. but that probably won't happen until after my mission. And so I will leave all of my information on my computer and hope that no one messes with it while I'm gone. I am, of course, making a couple copies and putting them on various flash drives and maybe even a CD, to put in my storage boxes, so that there is no way I will loose my information. it is too valuable to me.

Thanksgiving weekend

2007-11-26T18:18:00.000-08:00

Well, Thanksgiving was fun this year. The two pictures above were taken at my aunt Nedra's house with her animals. I was lounging on the couch when the dogs one by one came and sat next to me until I had all three. It was really funny. And the bird is really nice. It just sat on my shoulder for a while. Of course, it preferred my cousin, Brian, but it was showing off and being rather social.

It was weird not having my great grandmother there this year. It's the first year that she wasn't. Of course, maybe she was, but as she's no longer alive, none of us would have been able to see her.

We went up after Christmas trees on Saturday and it took us a while to find the ones we wanted. We had to find three and maybe since we go up there every year, or maybe just cause they didn't like us, but either way, the trees weren't the best. But we were able to find some good ones, skinny, but full.

Well, this was kind of a short version of the four day weekend, but it ended up five for me because I'm now sick, and I don't feel like writing any more. Sorry!

My Odd Brother

2007-11-20T16:43:00.000-08:00

Two years ago, when Richard got his mission call, he hadn't told anyone in the family that he was turning his papers in. I got an e-mail from him on Wednesday, August 31, 2005, with the subject line of "Yo sis, what up?" I thought it was weird that I was getting an e-mail from him, but opened it, without to much thought past that and began to read

Morning,

Just got a letter today...

"Dear Elder Bateman:

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Russia Novosibirsk Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 24 months.

You should report to the Missionary Training Center at Provo, Utah on Wednesday, 9 November 2005."

Thought you'd be interested,

Richard

I sat staring at my screen for a good thirty seconds as the words actually penetrated my brain. I also confused Whitney and Riley a lot as they didn't understand what was so shocking about my brother getting a mission call.

SO!

When I got my mission call, I wanted to do something crazy to try to get him back. The only problem is, he knew I was turning in my papers. So how do I tell him? The answer finally came, and this is how I did it. I copied his subject line, only mine was "yo bro, What up?" and sent him the picture you can see on the top of the page, along with one of my actual mission call to that he could see the date I'd be leaving. I then said

"Here's some pictures I thought you might enjoy."

And that was it. That's all I said. then I had to wait a week to see how it was received. I had wanted him to be surprised, and I wasn't disappointed. His response?

Julie! You little sneak! Not even telling me that you'd turned your papers in?? I should slap you (but I won't, because I'm sure there is a commandment somewhere about "thou shalt not slap your little sister"). I mean, honestly... who doesn't tell their brother who's on a mission when they turn in their mission papers??

yeah...

congrats! I'm so excited for you! It's going to be the most amazing experience of your life... I would honestly without a second thought stay out here for another 6 months if they let me.

For the record, I forgot to tell him about my mission papers. I had MEANT to tell him I'd turned them in, but I just forgot every time I had the chance.

Mission Call!

2007-11-07T17:27:00.000-08:00

I finally got my mission call! (OK, so it's only been two and half weeks, but it felt forever and no time at all at the same time.) I am going to the Pennsylvania, Harrisburg Mission. And I report for the MTC on January 2, 2008! The butterflies in my stomach are much better now. This morning before I found out where I was going they were going absolutely crazy, because I knew I was getting my call today and I wanted to know where. My mom finally called me at about 3:30 and told me it had come. So I talked my supervisor into letting me run home and see it really quick and then come back. I think my mom was a little surprised at how fast I ran through the door. I also had to brace my self against the wall to make the sharp turn to run down the stairs so I could get to my room, where my mom had placed the life-changing envelope on my bed. (Wow, that was likely a VERY run-on sentence. Oh well.) As I had already planned, I read the letter by myself and then told everyone else. I, of course, told my mother first, as she was right there. Then I called my dad and told him. Then I called whoever I could think of. Some people didn't answer, but I left a message that I had news and to call me back. Most people knew what I was talking about, but some were a little confused until I clued them in. All in all, my afternoon was most eventful.

Halloween Party

2007-10-26T22:33:00.001-07:00

So we had a party today at my house. I'm basically going to let the pictures speak for themselves.

The Dark and the Light

2007-10-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been feeling a little out of sorts, which is a little odd, since I just sent in my mission papers. (Frankly I think the suspense is killing me.) Anyway, I've been feeling for a long time that there are two people inside of me battling for my actions and I'm not sure who's winning. Well, tonight I re-read this poem that a friend of mine wrote entitled "The Dark and the Light". I thought I would share it with you all. I hope he doesn't mind.

Within ourselves, we have two sides,

One fights for us, and the other one lies.

They're constantly fighting without any rest,
For one instant's weakness brings the other one's best.
They'll battle and bicker for all eternity,
But you are the power, the secret, the key.
Without you, they're nothing, and neither will win.
For they're fighting battles with nothing but tin.
From you comes the metal, the unbridled power,
With a nod of your head that great power does flower.
The choice is just yours, no other can make it.
For others would see your great power and take it.
I hope you choose wisely, for if you choose wrong,
The consequence is pain, and the pain does last long.
So don't just be blind, your thoughts do not bind,
For others will definitely not be so kind.
The side that you favor will always succeed,
For you are the general; don't follow. You lead.

Whilst reading that I realized that I couldn't let myself be overcome by this depression that was threatening to overtake me. I knew I had to choose the better side. Although I've been trying to support the light, I now wonder if, subconsciously I was actually supporting the other side. So that's my new goal. To only support the better side, and hopefully come out of this funk that I'm stuck in.

Stargate CRAZE!

2007-09-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I attempted to do my duty as a Stargate fan today, and ended up failing miserably. AHHHH!!!! I'm a FAILURE!!!!! I don't know anyone with the SciFi channel that would let me commandeer their TV for even the very short hour that I needed it to watch this very important episode. As it stands now, I have to wait to watch it until I can download it on Sunday or Monday. That will, unfortunately, not help with the ratings, therefore, not help get another season. But I tried! I did all I could! Don't hate me all you Stargate fans if I messed it up forever. (Okay, I doubt I would have really made THAT much of a difference, but still.) I'm still going to try to watch the other episodes live if I possibly can. I must do my duty to the Stargate world so that we can have more Stargate world and we can continue to enjoy it immensely like we do.
I am also in the process of bringing another Stargate fan up to speed on the show. It could take a while as he's only really seen through the first episode of season 5 of SG-1, but we're going to watch the DVDs on his parents' BIG SCREEN TV (assuming they'll let us), which I can't wait for because Stargate on a big screen TV as big as his parents' big screen TV, will just be flippin' AWESOME!

An amount of pain I hope never to feel again

2007-09-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

I have as of late, been thinking about personal history and my Autobiography, which I am attempting to write. This is the latest memory I have written down and I thought I would share it on here. This occurred Dec. 9, 2002 and the poem that goes along with it I wrote on October 12, 2003. The second friend in the poem is a rat by the name of Karmel that my sister had gotten for Christmas two years prior to this.

As I left the house that morning, I held Sammi extra long, believing I would never see him again. I knew he needed to be put down. He was in pain, he was blind, he was deaf, and he had lost his sense of smell. I knew he wasn’t happy anymore, but I selfishly wanted to hold on. I wanted him to stay with me. He wasn’t only my dog, my pet, he was my best friend, and confidant. He was the one who could always make me feel better. And he was to be killed today. And my parents had informed me that I couldn’t be there. So, believing it was the last time, I hugged my dog and left for school with tears in my eyes.
Halfway through school I received a note from the office telling me that my mother had called and wanted me home right after school. Thoroughly trusting that I was missing Sammi’s appointment, I went through the rest of the day, trying to guess what the reason was. But, obediently, I went home on the bus so as to make it home as soon as possible. When I got there, I was surprised to hear Sammi’s toenails clicking against the kitchen floor. I was overjoyed to hear that the appointment had been made for three o’clock and Mom had called to make sure I would make it, because she knew how much it meant to me.
I held Sammi on the way to the clinic, as we took him unknowingly to his death. I knew it was what was right for him, but I couldn’t help but see it that way. I carefully carried him into the room when our name was called and then gave him over to the nurse for her to take him into the back room. It wasn’t until I first heard him yelp that the tears finally started to flow, and flow hard. I knew his yelp of pain. I could understand him as though he were talking to me and I knew that they were hurting him. I knew he didn’t understand what they were doing. I didn’t even fully understand what they were doing. With every yelp I heard come from him, I jerked with pain as my spirit cried out for him. This is one of the times I remember most strongly feeling Dads love for me, because when he saw my pain, my dad gathered me into his arms and allowed me to cry into his chest. With every jerk of pain from me, he held me tighter, unable to help any other way. At last they brought Sammi out for me to hold as they injected him with the medication that would make him sleep forever. This was my first time ever dealing with death, and I didn’t know what to expect. But I held him and comforted him and let him comfort me as they put the needle in him and slowly drained the liquid. I petted him until he was finally still and I knew he was gone. A new bout of tears I hadn’t thought I was capable of came and my father gathered me into his arms again as I sobbed hysterically.
I suppose the hardest part of losing Sammi was not knowing if I would ever see him again. I had full faith that I would see all of my human family again. I knew that they would be there. But I didn’t know if animals would be there, and even if they were, would Sammi know me, would he come to me? I have since learned that he will be there. I know he loves me as I loved him and he was happy to go. I can picture him as a happy little puppy surrounded by people that are caring for him until I can get there to do it. I hope more than anything that he will be one of the first to greet me when I finally reach the other side.

Painful Change

December 9, 2002
clinging to her father, tears running down her face,
her life changed forever.
Every yelp he makes brings a jerk from her.
Her father holds her tighter.

Her best friend is put to sleep after 16 years together
his little toenails will never be heard above her again
his little tail won’t wag for her when she comes home.
She can’t pet his head and know everything’s alright.
She’ll miss him horribly.

October 12, 2003
she clings to daddy once more, tears overflowing.
To go through it again is more painful then she thought possible.
The friend that had taken her confidant’s place
was stepped on, back broken, and died

The pain she feels now as she cries to God for help
fills her entire being with a great sense of loss
he isn’t listening, not comforting, it’s too painful for words.
She asks to have pain given her if only to bring her little friend back.
No such luck.

Riding on the wind, as fast as she can go, to the cemetery
“Help me Please!” She yells, no one hears, no one cares.
“Just a best friend, that’s all I want to comfort me when down.”
No one is listening, no one comes, she is all alone.

But then a friend comes to comfort her
and gives her the hug she’s longed for,
“You are not alone,” he whispers softly.
“You have your friends, family, and the Lord.
His spirit will guide you.”

Wrapped up in his arms, she feels love.
She believes.

And although I don't think that friend will read this, he knows who he is. Thank you! I think you may have spiritually and emotionally saved my life that day.

Those are my thoughts.

Dentist appointment

2007-09-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

I had a dentist appointment today. I had to get temporary caps on two of my teeth. It was funny because while listening to the doctor drill my teeth down to practically nothing (or perhaps to keep my mind off of the fact that he was drilling my teeth down to nothing - I really like my teeth), I ran through several episodes of Stargate. That or I almost feel asleep. I was bouncing back and forth between the two. The appointment took an hour and a half. But I now have the temporary teeth. The one on the left is silver, so for two weeks I can brag about having a silver tooth. Of course, after that I will have permanent caps that match my others, so that won't be as fun. But much more practical. And I do like practical. Sometimes. I also found out that my dad has a gold tooth. Which is something I never knew before. It's funny how you can know someone for almost 22 years and just find out new things about them. Of course, my dad can also burp the alphabet - a talent my mom only found out about a few years ago, when Angela and I did, so that's even longer. Odd how that works. But I think he was purposely hiding it from her. She wasn't very impressed. :)

Random woody thoughts

2007-09-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

As much as I am starting to loathe wood, I am at times pondering on the possibility of making my own dresser and bed when I return home from my mission. I think why I dislike my job sometimes is because I'm not doing anything I really want to do. I'm just making the same things over and over again, and it's getting tedious. Also the majority of the time, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know what will be occupying my time for the rest of the day and that bothers me. Today I knew exactly what I was doing the entire day and really enjoyed work. It was completely mindless, boring work, but I liked it all the same. Maybe because I was working by myself, with no one looking over my shoulder, or maybe because when someone did finally come to work with me, he assumed I was in charge and let me give the orders and do the fun part. :) Actually, I just really like working with that guy. He and I have some sort of an understanding, which is funny, because I don't even know his name. That's kind of sad. But we both put our head phones into our ears with ear muffs over the top and how we communicate the majority of the time is by facial expressions or gestures. We don't talk unless we absolutely need to and it's pretty nice. I like it.

Anyway, I went to the outdoor movie night tonight. We watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, which is by far my favorite of those movies. But I have seen it so many times, that it was a little boring. Especially since I felt a little bad about quoting it, because the friend I was with hadn't seen it at all. Weird. Oh well.

Relief Society Retreat

2007-09-12T19:32:00.000-07:00

The fire’s warmth did not penetrate far enough causing everyone to move closer to it’s radiating heat. Soon, however, they were all shifting in their seats, torn between wanting to be within the circle of heat created by this blaze, or wanting to be away from the fiery ash popping out of the pit with a loud crack. Some were content to stay back, wanting only to be out of the danger of the ash and smoke. Some just wanted to be warm and risked the hot ash in the hopes that they would be warm enough not to care. The rest just paid attention to the speaker, not bothering about the fire, it’s danger or it’s warmth. Then there was me. I was as close as I could get to the fire without being in danger of falling in. Every once in a while I would poke it with my stick, moving one long or another to keep it as warm as I could. The ash didn’t bother me, if it hit me I just brushed it off with my hand, ignoring the heat. When I was positive the fire was going at it’s maximum strength, I sat back, frowning as the coldness of my seat soaked in, letting me know I was about to pay for my pyrotechnics.

I gazed into the fire, only really half seeing it. The smoke stung my eyes as I stared, unblinkingly; but my thoughts were far distant. The awesomeness of God’s power flowed over me as I tried to imagine his creations. I knew I never could, so I gave up after a while and looked to the sky. The stars weren’t as bright as they usually are when I’m camping because of the lights of the cabins. I could see the constellations twinkling brightly. How many of the stars I see now have people living on planets surrounding them? How many of my brothers and sisters are looking up right now, seeing my sun and wondering the same thing? The magnitude of the thought was too much for me and I turned to gaze at the fire once more, welcoming the simplicity of it.

Everyone watched as the chipmunk scurried around underfoot, wanting to be closer to people who might have food, but scared nonetheless. It didn’t notice that we were watching and wandered around, darting this way and that to keep us from detecting it. But no one could not have seen it as it scuttled up a lady’s leg, making people gasp. The woman next to them jumped up and hurried away, terrified of the small creature. Seeing it had been acknowledged it leaped from it’s perch on her knee, and scampered away, but not for long.

I took off at a slow jog, determined to force my body to run. At first, it was glorious, and I quicken my stride, my feet hitting the gravel with a soft slap. But my lungs soon began to protest and I had to slow again as I turned to start the climb uphill. Halfway up my whole body was screaming for relief and I slowed to a walk, panting as my lungs yelled for air. I could hear the sounds of animals to my left, but knew that it wasn’t really a cougar as it sounded, but a group of people, making the sounds as they laughed after each one. They were very realistic. Not finding what I had intended to find, I finally listened to my stomach and brain as they informed me it was time to eat and I turned and started jogging back down the hill. This was easier than up and I made it to the bottom without to much trouble. I got back to the camp and began to work on getting breakfast, but I was so lightheaded and tired that I vowed never to run first thing in the morning again. No matter what.

* ~ * ~ *

Those are the random experiences I had at the Relief Society Retreat this last weekend. I was going to put up pictures, but I can't find them now. :'( They were cool pictures too. Oh well.

I have about decided that I'm sick of wood. Wow! I know. I never thought it would happen either, but it just about has. I'm working with it just flat out too much and it's about to kill me. Maybe even literally. My entire right arm is dead. I'm surprised I'm able to even use it. I lifted really long boards and sanded them multiple times for about four hours this morning. I ended up having to get a wrist brace. Then I didn't need it when I got back and I was sanding by hand instead of with a sander, so I couldn't wear it anyway. It was all very annoying. It doesn't help that I think my supervisor dislikes me greatly. The guy that did like me retired yesterday. Which means we had a party, which was kind of fun. (Speaking of yesterday, happy late Patriot Day everyone.)

Anyway, I'm almost done with my mission papers. I should have them completely finished by the end of the month. I just need my physical and the permanent caps on the two teeth I got root canals on. So it shouldn't take too much longer! YAY! I'm so excited. I set my availability date for Dec 1, so that I'll be able to see Richard before I go. Even if it's only for a few days. I can buy him that ice cream I owe him. But if I go anywhere other than the United States, I likely won't leave that soon, because I'll need a passport and a visa, neither of which I have ever needed so I've just never gotten one. So there ya go. I'll keep you all posted.

Bloodbath

2007-09-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

My dad is telling me to go to bed. But since I just woke up 12 hours ago, I find no point in going to bed quite yet, although I am starting to get a little tired and I have work at eight tomorrow morning.

Today I hung out with Aubrey, Heather, and Caulene. It was fun. We went to Saver's 50% of sale and I only bought two things. A gray blazer that fits me perfectly and a goblet ice cream bowl thing (that was mostly for the fun of it). Then we went back to Heather and Aubrey's apartment and just hung out and were lazy. Happy Labor Day to us! I love lazy days. We need more of them.

Engagement and Missions

2007-09-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

Today was kind of boring. It was Fast Sunday, and my body decided right after Sunday School that it didn't want me fasting anymore and gave me quite a bit of pain. I'm still in some. But I should be fine. I'm hoping that it was just my body still adjusting to the fact that I don't have a gallbladder and that I can fast someday. My dad can't. Argh.

Tierra and Jason showed up at ward prayer and she was showing off a new ring. She and Jason are getting married December 27th. Sad thing, I might be on my mission by then. I'm going to try to push my papers through as fast as possible. I hope to at least have my call by November 28th when Richard gets home, but I might be gone by then too. Probably not, and part of me is hoping not, because I would like to see him before I go, but I know he'd be all for me going as soon as possible. If I'm not gone, I'm not going to tell him I have my call and then when I see him at the airport I'm going to hug him and then hand it to him. not quite as sneaky as how he told me, but it's as good as I can do since he already knows I'm working on my papers. I'm not as good as he is at keeping my own secrets. He didn't tell anyone but my parents that he was working on his papers until he got his call. When he e-mailed me and told me, the subject line was "Yo, Sis. What up?" Then he proceeded to tell me about this letter he got in the mail that said - and he quoted it. I was slightly stunned, to say the least. Whitney and Riley couldn't figure out what was wrong and it was about a minute before I could tell them. So, my telling him won't be as cool as his, but it should be fun. I just have to tell everyone not to tell him first.

Playing Around

2007-09-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

I got to go to the temple again this morning. Last week I wasn't feeling well enough yet, and the week before that no one got up for it and I didn't want to go by myself. It was great to go back to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple where all the workers know us.

Today I spent the day playing with Megan. We went shopping and in the end I bought socks. That was all. But we bonded a lot and I found out that even though Megan said she didn't like the mall, we still spent most of our time there and she seemed to enjoy herself. I enjoyed the fact that we had rolls for lunch. They were really good and I liked that I could have them. Then we saw Ashley and she and I set up a time to hang out. I haven't seen her much since she got married. Funny how that works. But we are having dinner at her apartment and I'm excited. YAY!!! :D

While Megan and I were out playing Josh texted me and asked if I wanted to go to a violin concert. I said yes and we (with Scott and Amanda) drove to Temple Square and watched Josh's cousin's cousins perform. It was really good and I enjoyed the music immensely. I would have enjoyed the whole thing a lot more if I hadn't been wearing the wrong shoes with nylons and got blisters on the balls of my feet. That made it difficult to walk. I took my shoes and socks off and walked barefoot, and that helped a little, but not as much. I hope they're okay tomorrow, but who knows. The socks I have on now (which are the ones I bought earlier today) are very comfortable and they are helping a bit. I think sleep will be good. ;) <-- me half asleep.

YAY for insurance

2007-08-31T21:15:00.000-07:00

Today I got the "itemized statement of services rendered" for my gallbladder surgery in the mail. It had all of the "services rendered" and how much each one cost. This is one of those times in which we are infinitely grateful for medical insurance. All together my four hours I spent unconscious in the hospital cost a grand total of $15,869.06 and I didn't have to pay any of it. Hallelujah! I definitely don't have that much money. I don't think if you added all of the money I've ever gotten in my life it would equal that. Maybe, but I doubt it.

So I'm trying to figure out why in the world I can't get really cool bruises. My sister, Angela, is always showing me her cool looking bruises (most of them come from colorguard - it's a dangerous sport) and I can never return the favor. It's not fair. Even when I kicked a cinder-block a couple weeks back, all that happened was a very small noticeable bruise and a red mark. Although it still hurts when bumped and I think I actually chipped the medial malleolus (that's the big bony bump in the inside of your ankle). It's got a bump on it that my other one doesn't. And I still have a little red mark. Then, yesterday, a coworker accidentally dropped a board on my ankle (other ankle - on the back) and it really hurts, but it didn't bruise practically at all. I mean, if you look really closely you can see it, but that's boring. Grrr. I only hope someday I will have a really cool bruise that I can brag about. Until than I will just have to find my enjoyment looking at Angela's. That sounds really mean. Trust me, it's not. You can even ask her.

Back to work

2007-08-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

I went to work for the first time today. It was awesome! I loved being there. My mom was expecting that I'd get tired really easily and need to have only a half day, but I could have stayed longer if they would have let me. I would have been perfectly fine with that. But Alejandro kicked me out right at five. I guess he wanted to go home. But I didn't. Oh well.

I went and saw "Evan Almighty" tonight. After "Bruce Almighty" I wasn't very excited for another Almighty movie, but Evan Almighty was actually pretty good. I enjoyed it, but I'm still not liking the fact that they portray God as black. I'm not racist or anything, but God isn't black. It's a fact. There ya go.