2009

With the end of the year quickly approaching, I've been thinking about the many new experiences I've had this year.
I went to Mesa, Arizona. I saw the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. I went to Alaska and lived there for two months. I saw Mount Denali - the tallest above sea level mountain in the world (counting from base to top, not from sea level to top). I kissed three guys. I finally finished "Portals", which I've been working on since seventh grade. I had a boyfriend (kind of). I lost not only one, but three of the four jobs I had this year.
Summing my year up like that makes it seem a lot less than it was. Weird.
I also learned a lot about myself through these experiences. I grew so much this year. I'm a completely different person than I was a year ago. It's rather amazing.

The Point of Compliments

Why is it so hard to give each other real compliments? Why are we so scared to tell someone that we like something about them? Do you think they'll get mad at you for saying something nice to them? Are we scared of embarrassing them? Are we scared that - gasp! Heaven forbid! - they might think we LIKE them? Why do we as mortals worry so much about the outside appearance and not as much about the part beneath the surface?
I admit, I'm guilty of this as well. I know that I don't thank Tierra enough for listening to my endless rants, for giving me advice, and just all around being an incredibly awesome person. I don't thank my mom enough for, well, anything. She's my mother and she amazing, but I hardly ever actually acknowledge that to her. The same thing goes for my Dad.
Why are we always so scared to say thank you? To say I love you? Why are we scared to say hi to that random person on the street with a slightly sad look on their face? Why are we so scared to compliment?
When I was younger, I would brag about how amazing I was. I would repeat my self-compliment until someone either acknowledged it as well, or told me to shut up. I wanted to be complimented so badly that I had to do it myself. To add to the stupidity of the situation, whenever I was complimented, I would, as was common, inform them how wrong they were and argue with them that whatever they just complimented me about wasn't true. I also, because of pride, couldn't compliment anyone else. I could only compliment someone else if I thought they would then compliment me. I would then be very hurt if that compliment didn't come.
I have since learned that in order to truly feel good about yourself, you have to accept yourself, instead of waiting for others to accept you. You need self-validation, others validating you doesn't ever work.
Interestingly, I've actually gotten a fairly high amount of compliments lately. People have complimented me on how skinny I look, called me sexy, told me my ears were cute. My hair, my eyes, my pants, my shirt. Thank you. I know you mean well, and I thank you for taking the time to give me a compliment. It is sometimes not easy to do so for most people.
However, I wish someone would compliment me on something that actually had to do with me. I'm glad you think my hair is cute. But it's just hair. I'm glad you noticed that I lost weight. But I don't even know how I did it and it's half annoying me. I'm glad you like my shirt. My mom gave it to me, she has good taste. I'm glad you like my pants. They're the only ones that fit me since I lost that weight. And it honestly just weirds me out that anyone would think of me as sexy.
None of those things are me. They are all just outward things. Those are the kind of compliments that I smile and nod and thank people for, but forget about ten minutes later. You know what compliments mean the most? The ones that are actually about me. My dad bragging about the fact that I designed and made a dress myself. My uncle telling me that I did a good job on my wands. My sister-in-law telling me I have a gift with her son, the ability to calm him down and get him to sleep easily. My friend thanking me for listening to her when she needs to rant, telling me I'm a good listener.
Those are the things that are me. Sometimes I wonder why most of my friends like me. Obviously they do because otherwise they wouldn't hang out with me. Sometimes I wonder what I can being into this world besides a cute butt and a skinny waist. That sounds terrible, I know, but I honestly don't care what I look like. I care if I'm healthy and I appreciate the few friends that have been helping me get more so. Rachelle and Tierra for helping me get past the point where I couldn't eat without getting nauseous.
The point of this was that I wanted to rant and at first was going to ask why people like me. I was going to ask for non-physical compliments. And now, after this rant about self-validation, I feel slightly stupid doing that. But, I still want to ask. Not necessarily digging for compliments, just wanting to know what you all think I'm good at. I was reading a book that tells you to write your strengths. While I do want to be able to validate myself, I'm honestly feeling very useless and weak right now. What strengths do I have?

The Point of Revenge

I would like to apologize for my last entry. It was written when I was both upset and extremely hurt. That is, perhaps, the worst time to write anything because you are the most likely to hurt someone. It is, however, when I most feel like writing. Generally once I get my feelings out on paper, they leave me. Usually I use my journal, and this is probably a time I should have done so instead of putting my hurt and angry thoughts out there for the world to see. The truth is, the second I had all of that entry written down, I forgave him. I no longer think he hurt me intentionally. And I no longer feel any bad feelings toward him.
You see, while some of my friends may not understand this, and others will perhaps even get upset at me for writing it, despite the way that this young man used me, I will always love him. It will likely have to go back to the way it was before my mission, him being my "younger brother who's taller than me", and me being his older sister. While I believe I will always wish it was more, I would rather have him in my life in that capacity than not at all. And I am sorry for what I said. I said that I wasn't mad at him and didn't hate him, but the truth of the matter is, when I wrote that entry, I did. I was mad at him. He had hurt me and in my pain I wanted to hurt him back. But as my dad often says "And eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth and suddenly the whole world is blind and toothless". What's the point in revenge? Does it make the person seeking it feel better? Of course not. It only hurts them more. It does usually accomplish the goal it was intended for, making the other person hurt, but it doesn't make anyone feel any better. It only burns bridges. I would truly like to rebuild this bridge the way it was. But I can only build half of it. Now I have to find out if my brother will build the other part. I'm truly sorry.

Voluntary Blindness

When my best friend was engaged for the first time, I HATED her fiance. I hated how he had taken advantage of her, I hated how he treated her, and I hated how she took it. As far as I know, there was never physical abuse, but the emotional abuse ran rampant. Had the bruises he inflicted on her mentally and emotionally showed on the outside, he'd have been in jail a long time ago. She gave him everything. She changed for him, she became exactly who he said she should be. For awhile there, I lost my best friend to a complete stranger with a lack of light in the eyes that had once shone brightly. Because of this, I knew that their marriage would not last, although I hoped that he would change and become the man she deserved. He didn't and their marriage did, indeed, fall apart. She's now with a man that is amazing and treats her like the queen she is. But at the time, it killed me to see her treated that way, and I vowed I would never let something like that happen to me.
My friends, I broke that vow.
You see, I now have some understanding for what she went through and why she allowed herself to be treated in such a horrible manner. For I just freed myself from a relationship very similar.
The worst part was, I knew what was happening. Deep down, I knew what he was doing to me, and I knew that I was allowing it. But I've had strong feelings for this guy for a while, and I rationalized his actions by telling myself that he was young, he didn't know how to show his feelings, but I was sure they were there. He wouldn't treat me that way, I'd seen a different side of him than all my friends had. Who were they to tell me he was a jerk? Did they know him like I did? Of course not. So I put blinders on so I wouldn't see the abuse and I continued on my way toward eventual destruction.
But now comes the happy part of my sad tale. Because "God is not dead, nor doth he sleep". This young man I have been describing leaves on a mission in less than two weeks. Had I not removed the blinders and finally confronted him and accepted the truth before he left, the effect of his abuse could have been irreversible, because I would have spent the next two years waiting for him to return, naively believing that when he got home, he would tell me how much he loved me and we would be happy. I would say that I was moving on with my life, but I would know that deep down, my life was still revolving around his. But Heavenly Father loves me, and knows me, this guy, and the situation better than I ever could with my limited, human perspective, and knew that I needed to be yelled at. The Spirit had been whispering the questions I needed answered to me for quite sometime, trying to get me to listen. So many times you hear at church that if you don't listen to the Spirit, eventually He will give up and leave you alone. My friends, PLEASE never believe this. The Spirit, and the One who's commands He follows will never give up on you. He will allow you to make your own decisions, but He will ALWAYS be there for you, whether you've ignored Him once, or hundreds of times, when you need Him, He'll be there. And so He was for me. After leaving this young man's house, with so many questions bouncing around in my head, I wanted someone to bounce them off. So I called the friend I would normally talk to. She didn't answer her phone. I tried her husband's phone. Once again, no answer. I tried another friend, she was in Salt Lake. Another friend was with his girlfriend and another two were both with family and couldn't leave. So, I decided, why not just go straight to the source? I had questions, he had answers. Only he could tell me what he was thinking and what he was feeling anyway. And so, I asked my questions. Though there had been millions swimming around in my head, the answers I sought were come by with only three simple questions. And I knew. I knew I had allowed myself to be blinded. I knew that he honestly had no feelings for me, and no regard for mine for him. And I knew that I had to get away once and for all, and never go back. And so I did.
The pain I now feel isn't due to the fact that he has no feelings for me. Feelings are feelings and you cannot order them around. You cannot force yourself to love someone anymore than you can force yourself to breathe underwater. No matter how much you will it to be, it won't be. It can't be. I have no problem with that.
What hurts is knowing that deep down, he really is an amazing guy. But he has buried that person so deeply that not even he can find him anymore. And he is now a person who can knowingly hurt someone else. Someone who can disregard the feelings for another because it will give him the selfish satisfaction he craves.
I do not hate him. I'm not even mad at him. I truly and honestly feel sorry for him. I hope he can grow up, learn to accept that he is allowed to love himself, and learn how to love others. As one of my missionary companions told me, "You can only love others as much as you love yourself." If he can knowingly hurt me that way, what in the world is he doing to himself?

Discernment

I once knew a man who claimed to have a great gift of discernment. I will admit, his claim was accurate about 9 out of ten times. But often, because his gift was so great, his pride got in the way and didn't allow him to see the wisdom of others who had been given that gift specifically to help him.

I remember the last time I saw him, a friend of mine informed him that unless he got rid of the pride that seemed at the time to be threatening to overwhelm him, he would loose that gift. I don't know where he's at now, or how he's doing, but last night I was reminded of a conversation that we had once. This conversation ended with me in tears.
This was a while ago, back when I was still living in the sheltered Utah mindset I have tried to cast away. Before my mission, I had never truly been outside of Utah. Sure, I'd been to Yellowstone, Colorado, and Las Vegas, but I was always with a group from home, and never got out of the culture of Utah. The culture that, no matter how much parents try, it's slightly impossible to keep their children from being sheltered. And my parents didn't try.
I had the notion that I understood the world. That no matter what experiences I had, all things would still eventually lead back to the conclusions I already had. I felt I was less sheltered than most because of the experiences that I went through in my Senior year of high school. And I will give myself one thing, I had learned a lot from those, but not nearly so much as I thought I did.
I'm not sure how the conversation began that day, but somewhere into it, this man decided he needed to figure out what I was made of. He denied the ideals I had so carefully come up with and stuck to all my life, saying that too many times the logic I was showing wasn't enough. He informed me that I couldn't just go in and say everything was alright, because of this, this, and this. I didn't understand people's pain and therefore was in no position to judge them. In order to fully understand them, I had to be willing to take their pain and make it my own.

As an ideal, this theory actually seems very sound. Everyone wants to feel understood. However, due to that experience in high school, I knew that I was unable to do this. I had tried to feel someone else's pain once and it nearly destroyed me.

And so, with a passion that I barely knew I was capable of, and that I believe surprised this man, I stated that I would not do that. I could not do that. It was not my job to feel someone pain and I therefore would not put myself through that again. I didn't explain to him the situation that led me to that conclusion, just as I will not in this blog, but I said what I needed to say with such feeling that he accepted it.
I, however, cannot.
Looking back, I realize now that due to the pain and heartache I went through during my senior year, all the stress I laid upon myself and how thoroughly I had to push everything surrounding it away, just to survive until the next day, I pushed everything away. Including the capability to love. I had been hurt that badly because of love, because I had loved someone so much that I couldn't bear to see that someone hurting and therefore tried to take the pain that they needed to feel, and instead feel it myself. I had attempted to become that person's Savior, and that wasn't my job.
So how do you explain to someone that you're not actually getting mad when you're having a heated discussion with them, but rather the topics you're discussing are so near and dear to your heart that you cannot stand how they seem to just be throwing out their opinion without thinking? That it is because of all of the experiences of your life that you have come up with the conclusions that you have? That, although they seem to think you're mad at them, the reality is, you're so hurt by their ignorant claims, you cannot just sit by and allow them continue. Deep down, you realize they perhaps aren't as ignorant as they seem, that there is likely a very good explanation as to why they feel that way, how they came by their own conclusions. But you've seen much of their life, and it reminds you of the time before your mission, when you had all of those misguided ideals. You want to tell them that they are so far into the box that is the Utah mindset, that they actually think they are out of it.
Besides, you're not living deep down. Because although your senior year of high school was over five years ago, and you have since accepted quite a bit of what caused you that pain, it's memory is still there, and still a little raw. Not because of how much it hurt, that you've gotten over, but because of the simple fact that you did it to yourself, and then tried to deal with it yourself. And you did that because of your stupid ideals. The ones that tell you that you don't actually need anyone else. You can deal with anything on your own. That no one would understand you anyway. You didn't realize how much Satan was grinning when he made you think that, and convinced you to keep your pain to yourself.
If there is one thing that I have learned from my various experiences, it's that you cannot do anything by yourself. And if you try, you really will end up destroying yourself. I only began to get better when I realized that I couldn't do it by myself. And I accepted help.
The other thing I learned about myself is that I am a very passionate person. I'm a very all-or-nothing kind of girl. And so, if I feel a fear that I'm going to hurt someone, or if I'm going to get too close and end up going through what I went through before, I will back off. I love so thoroughly and completely that I hurt myself, or I back off so thoroughly and completely that I risk hurting the other person. Because I cannot go through that kind of pain again. I don't know that I would survive it.
So, in the event that you and I ever get into an argument about life or ideals, kindly remember these things, and try to understand. I will do my best to understand your side as well. But the thoughts expressed in this post are held so close to my heart that it is sometimes difficult to take the blinders off and see other's thoughts as well. But I try. I will never allow myself to create opinions in ignorance again. Because I cannot go back to who I was before my mission.

Musings

So for the past week I have been incredibly depressed. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I feel like there's absolutely nothing going on in my head. Last night I was thinking of how ironic that was. Much of the time, people complain that their head hurts because they have too much that they need to think about, they wish there was just one thought going through there at a time. But I can tell you, it's not a feeling you actually want to experience. It's like being in a huge room all by yourself. At first, it's nice. You're enjoying the silence and solitude. But after being there for a few days and no one else is there, it starts getting lonely. You're stuck in this gigantic room, and although there is plenty of space, it now feels like too much space. There's a lack of social interaction that a person desperately needs to function properly. That's how I've felt for the last week. Is it any wonder that I've been depressed?
While I'm working on my stories, it's actually kind of nice since then all I have going on in there is my story and I am able to concentrate fully. However, when that's not what is going through my head, and instead it's something else, or even worse, nothing at all, it's horrible. Sunday afternoon, I went for a few hours in which I seriously couldn't actually think of anything! There was nothing going through my head, and if there was anything going through there, that's all it was doing, going through. In one side and out the other. And there were complete minutes at a time when I would just stare into space, which is all my head was filled with.
I have a thought as to what has caused this obnoxious turn of events. The only thing I have changed in my life that could possibly have done this is: I started drinking more Dr. Pepper. There are days when I have three or four cans - all in a row. I don't actually know if that's a side effect of the caffeine, but it seems like the only plausible option.
So I'm going to stave off of caffeine for a while so that I can find out. If this continues, I'll know it wasn't the Dr Pepper and I'll happily go back to drinking it. :D However, if my suspicions turn out to be correct, I will once again switch over fully to Cream Soda. The experiment begins today.

The ignorance and brattishness of some people

Have you ever gotten on the forums on Craigslist? I think I never will again. Why is it that I never realized how incredibly stupid some people can be on the subject of God? There are people who are absolutely certain that He doesn't exist and there are people who are absolutely certain that He does. I honestly don't really care if you have one opinion of the other, as long as you don't try to foist it into me. But that seems to be exactly what people are doing. Trying to foist. Every single comment that I read written by someone who did not believe in God was something to the effect of "Anyone who believes in God is ignorant and stupid" They used several different versions of said phrase, but it all added up to the same thing. Sadly enough, most of the comments written by people who do believe in God were like that, only the opposite, obviously. Why are people so immature about this subject? I tried to put in my two cents, but I doubt it meant anything. *shakes head* Why can't we all just accept each other and move on with our lives?

Poor Laptop!

So my laptop cord stopped working. So I stopped being able to charge my laptop. So I'm officially without a laptop. Which was fairly annoying because that meant that I had to use the family's computer for the internet and I have a grand total of NONE of my work on it. So while I could work on Portals online on it and see people's input, I couldn't go directly to my version on Wordperfect and change it there. It was really annoying. So now I've got my desktop re-set up and connected to the internet. But this computer is SO slow and my connection is as well and it's about to drive me nuts! I can't wait until next week when the cord my brother bought for me comes. That was very nice of him. I couldn't have afforded it for a while. This way, I'll have it and then I can pay him back when I get my next paycheck. Yayness and stuff!
So, currently about 1/3 of my room is clean. And the other 2/3 is a pigsty! I really do need to clean it. That just shows how thoroughly lazy I am! It's absolutely beginning to drive me nuts, though, so It will likely get cleaned sooner rather than later. I'm starting to think I need to put my bed slightly higher, however, since I don't have enough room under there. Yes, for those wondering, I'm pretty sure I can go higher. Watch me! It will be interesting to see everyone's reactions when they try to get up onto it. :D

New Job

So, I'm very much enjoying my job. I drive people around all morning and get to listen to them tell me about their lives while I'm at it. Today we were listening to some Hindi music I put on, and one of the residents told me about a friend of hers that was a belly dancer. I also learned that another resident's daughter lived in India for a while there and now lives in Singapore. They also all tease me mercilessly. :D I tease them right back, of course, so we get along great. Eventually, I will know everyone's names but it is going to take a while, and I probably won't ever know the ones that don't ride the bus on a regular basis. There are at least fifty residents in that home. Give me time.
In the meantime, it feels amazing to finally have a smile on my face when I leave work. I walked home from work one day (my car's almost out of gas), and I was slightly amazed at how happy I was. There haven't been a lot of jobs in my life that I've felt this good about when leaving. I even like my bosses. They're currently on a cruise. (Jealous!)
Just thought I'd throw this out as an update to my life. Good times.

The Afgan

Different colors of bright yarn -
Brought together for one purpose.
To keep me warm is their job.

So many colors, so many memories,
Every time I look at it, I think of so many things.
All the time it took me, and all the family who watched,
All the women the yarn belonged to,
Before it came to me.

My Great-Grandma Jensen,
A most wonderful person she was.
She was always ready with cookies
Whenever we went there.

My Grandma Bateman,
Still a great lady, always willing to help me
With whatever I need her for.

My great-grandma Barton,
Her, I never knew
My great-aunt Rula,
I never met her, but I’m sure she was amazing.

And finally my Mom,
Who bought me the black and white yarn.
And always encouraged me to keep going,
And reach toward my dreams.

So many memories in one afghan,
They all come flooding back,
Someday, I’ll tell my kids of all of them
As they lay there, and the afghan’s job changes,
It now keeps them warm.

I'm making another one, three times as large, and I just have all these feelings again. So I thought I'd put this up. Hope you like it.

The Lathe Spins

The lathe keeps spinning around and around

It’s hard to remember it’s not tearing me down.

I need to remember I’ve been sent to this land

To be turned and molded by the master’s hand.

Remember the sawdust falling to the ground.

Remember how fast the lathe must spin around.

Remember that though life’s been rough in the past,

Remember that troubles were not meant to last.

The conflict inside me is fighting to win.

At times I really just want to give in.

But when I can’t stand it, I fall to my knees,

And cry out to God a tear filled, “Please!”

“Please help me!” I cry with all of my might.

“Help me to know and to do what is right.

Help me to follow thy path and thy will.

Help me be calm and help me be still.”

A loving assurance of hope indeed shows,

As I feel an amazing serenity grow.

The Savior will help me. He won’t let me down.

But I know that the lathe must always spin ‘round.

Eight years

Wow. September 11. Will any of us ever forget where we were that day? When I first heard I was in the intersection of Cross hall and D hall at Orem High. Matthew Worsham told Valerie Mechling and I that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Towers. I had no idea what they were or what significance it would have. As most, I just thought it was an accident. Then I went to first period - US History with Mr Miner. And we watched as the towers fell. I saw the second plane crash into the South tower. And as I sat there, I had to get some of my feelings onto paper, as is my way, so I wrote this poem.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001
Death, Destruction, Devastation.
Yet Hope, Serenity, Knowledge.
Those who died still live,
They live inside each of us.

Those who lived are better for it.
They have more happiness
More patriotism, more family love.
Even with the world crashing down around us,

America Lives On

It is definitely not a great literary work, or even the best poem ever written, but it describes what I was feeling and thinking at the time. At that crazy moment that we all wish to forget, but will always remember.

Motivation (where from?)

Wow. The last two days I've been SUPER motivated. Especially when it comes to exercising. On Monday I was kind of motivated. I did bike to the Coopers to get something and then Robert and I walked to the library and most of the way back to his house (his mom picked us up). Then we went to Classic Skating. At first I was thinking that it was a really bad idea for me to be skating when I could barely do so because of my shin splints. I've had them since high school and they enjoy acting up. They definitely were when we started skating. But I've learned to not let them beat me and just skated through the pain, and what a blessing that was! After about the first half hour, they stopped hurting! I was able to thoroughly enjoy myself after that.
That was all the exercise I got that day, but yesterday I biked to the library to drop off a movie, then down to where I used to work to return something, then back home (stopping at the Coopers to get a drink - I was parched!). All together it was 9.3 miles (I looked it up on Google maps afterwards. I was curious.). I also walked about half a mile and then roller-bladed another mile. I was feeling pretty god about myself by the end of the day. :D
Today I was planning on biking somewhere just to beat my record from yesterday, but I decided to clean up and move around my room instead. Trust me, that was a work out! Moving all four of my book shelves, plus my fridge, and my computer monitor (which is HUGE and weighs more than the fridge) was enough to get me sweating quite a bit. When I was finished and it was still only a quarter to five, I couldn't figure out what to do. So I made dinner. My mom was very excited about that since other than taking me to the store, she didn't have to do anything and just sat on the couch, reading a book. She's been wanting to do that for a while, but before Trina's wedding everyone was too busy for her to be able to take that time. I made chicken and rice (my second favorite dish), corn on the cob, steamed broccoli (one of my dad's favorites), honey wheat rolls (I was so excited that I found them in the freezer!), and some carrots for me (I don't like corn on the cob or broccoli that much) Everything was cooked practically perfectly! I take no credit for that, I think I got very lucky.
After dinner I decided that to finish off my day, I'd go for a bike ride. It was dark already and I don't know where the light for my bike went, so I just went to the track across from my house. 2 1/2 times around is one mile, so I rode as hard as I could for five times around. It felt sooo good. I've decided that whenever possible, I'm going to finish off my day like that.
I love these random times in my life when I'm totally motivated for no reason at all. Too bad it doesn't always last.

Update

Well, it's almost been a month since I wrote last. Sorry about that. But I have been spending my time trying to find a job and was only today successful. I will be working in a bridal shop that rents wedding dresses as an alterationist. I'm very excited to be doing a job in a field that I love and can learn much in.
Other than that, I've been fairly bored. I've been doing a lot of hanging out with my friends, but as they all have lives and jobs, I couldn't do that quite as much as I would have liked. So I've been hanging out with myself. Which is pretty boring.
In the news of my life, my older sister Trina is getting married on the 14th of August. We're scrambling a little to hurry and get everything ready, since she's been in Costa Rica for the past three weeks. However, her fiance, Dan, was able to do a lot with her on the phone, so it didn't really set the wedding plans back any. And Trina also likes things pretty simple, so it doesn't take too long to get everything in place (hopefully). But we'll do everything we can. It will be fun.
That's about it. Boring life for now. I'll let you all know if something happens.

Home

I'm coming home. I leave tonight at about 11 and my plane lands in Utah at about 08:30 tomorrow morning. I will be going through Denver on the way.
I'm quite excited to be going home. I've loved Alaska. It's an absolutely great place. And I think it would be fun to try to come back next summer with a different position (Maybe a tour director). But, in the meantime, I did what I set out to do. I moved to Alaska! I had an adventure! I met people from all over the world and shared a bit of the gospel with a couple people (not guests, that would have gotten me in trouble O.o). And in the two months that I lived here, I pretty much had an entire summer experience. I lived in about four different places at different times, I traveled all over the lower half of the state, I rode on a train, a bush plane, and a cruise boat. I have nothing to complain about except for the fact that I missed my opportunity to ride in a helicopter. It was a great two months and I have no regrets.

Clarification

Just to let everyone know, contrary to apparently popular belief, my last blog entry was not a suicide note. I'll be honest, there have been times in my life when I have wanted to die. But I would never kill myself and this wasn't even one of those times. I simply want to, seriously want to, know how to fill this hole. There's no way to form lasting commitments when you're constantly being drawn to run. There's no way to feel truly, completely happy when there's a hole inside of you that you can't fill, you don't understand, and you don't know where it came from.
So those of you who are so concerned about me, don't be. Chill out. Someday, I'll figure out what's up. I don't know when that will be or how, but I know it will come.

Now What?

It's official. I got into my third "incident" today. And though they were all very minor incidents, all just including mirrors and none with any horrible damage, I have lost my job.
I saw it coming. How can you get into two incidents in less than a month and not be worried there'd be a third soon? I don't know why this has happened though. If I can't focus enough to see what's around a coach, what CAN I focus on? What am I good enough at that I can make it a career? And why am I always good at the things I don't enjoy and can't seem to get good at the things I do? The only thing I like doing and am good at is sewing. But I can't think of a job I'd like in that.
So here's the question. What do I do now? Do I try to get a job as a guest service host even though that job looks so boring to me that I might shoot myself if I'm doing it? Or do I spend the money to come home and search for a job I might not like either? Or do I finally just give into the urge to get in my car and just keep driving until I can't anymore? That urge has been with me ever since I bought my first car and has been gone for a month and a half as I finally, for the first time in my life, had a job I absolutely loved. But it's come back full force. How can I go through life feeling like this? Like there's something inside of me that's missing and I might just find it around the next bend. Maybe that's why I want to travel so much. Where do I find the missing piece of my heart if I can't find it in the temple, at church, or at home? It wasn't on my mission, it isn't here in Alaska. How do I exist if I can't actually finish anything? I hop from thing to thing, hoping that this is where I'll find comfort, but it doesn't come. Not the kind I'm looking for. Not the kind that will fill the hole in my heart that formed in some mysterious way.

Prince Williams Sound

In front of the Cascade Glacier

In Prince William Sound

The Map of where the Cruise went

My cruise yesterday was pretty fun. We saw a lot of glaciers. They are absolutely beautiful, but they all look alike, so I don't know why it's so cool to see so many. But I only spent $25 to go on a $150 or so cruise, so I was okay with that. We're going on the Portage Glacier Cruise on Tuesday and I've requested the opportunity to drive for it. I'm pretty excited. That one's only about an hour long, so I won't get tired of being on the water. At least we got fed lunch. It was really good too. Fried chicken. :D
I had to be up and at work this morning at 0300. I woke up at about 0245 when my friend called and said he was outside. Good thing it doesn't take me very long to get ready. But I did airport shuttle today, which is oddly enough a really good job because while it's slightly boring, you get paid really good tips. And now I'm really tired and I think I'll take a nap.

How I feel. Random, I know

It's odd the amount of people who ask me how I can drive something so huge. A motorcoach doesn't actually seem that large to me anymore. Yes, it's bigger than anything else on the road except for Semi's, but once you understand and respect it's size, the challenge of driving it diminishes greatly. Don't get me wrong, the challenge definitely does not disappear entirely, I would disappointed if it did, but rather changes slightly. It's difficult to explain. The motorcoach no longer seems big; everything else seems small. It's like driving a regular car around in a half-sized village. It fits, but only barely and you have to be careful not to crush all of the other tiny little cars. The large size of your vehicle isn't the problem, it's the small size of the other ones.

I love this job. In no other job before this have I been paid to do something I would almost do for free. I love driving, I always have, and the challenges that driving a motorcoach provide just make it that much more exciting. This is the first job that I have actually hope for more hours instead of trying to come up with ways of calling in sick without actually lying. In fact, the two times I have had to call in sick I was quite disappointed. Nothing makes my day like working for 13 hours. Isn't that insane? I love it.

Everyday I meet people from all over the world. New Zealand, England, and the Netherlands, just to name a few that I'm sure of. I'm pretty certain that I've seen people from India, Germany, and several Oriental countries as well. All of them are coming from their various corners of the globe to see this amazing land that is Alaska. This land that I've quickly grown to love.

I don't know of many things that make me smile more than hearing people's intense excitement at seeing a moose for the first time. I can hear my first time excitement in their voices and it reminds me of when I was in their shoes. Has it really only been a month? I feel I have been in this place forever, and yet the time has simply flown by. It's incredible, really.

Let's be honest, I have the best job EVER!!!

I figure when you're at work for 11 hours and when you get off you're amazed that that's how long you worked, it's a good job. It felt like nothing.
So I'm going to tell you a little about what my job's been entailing thus far, and what it's going to entail the next week and a half.
Yesterday, I got paid to take a tour of the Alaskan Heritage Center. Which, being a stop on the tours we give, people usually pay for. Today, I got paid to drive to the airport and back. Just for fun, to see where it is. And all the time, I was laughing and joking with my trainer who was telling me funny stories and giving me advice. Then I was paid for sitting in the break room for an hour, eating lunch. (If you leave the shop so they can't get ahold of you if they need you, then you have to log off, but if you eat in the shop so they could deploy you if they suddenly need someone, you can stay on the clock.) Then we had a kind of silly circuit in which we learned a lot, but no one actually had enough information to fill the whole time slot given, so we got a lot of breaks. Plus the 15 minute break that they just gave us for a break.
After that, we logged off and they fed us dinner. (So while we didn't get paid for that time, they fed us. Worth it.) Then we "met the mechanics" and they taught us how to properly fill out some paperwork to make it easier for them and showed us what a bus looks like underneath. I got to walk around underneath a bus. It was cool (although he did warn us that if we heard the doors to the shop start to shake to get out from under there as fast as possible since that likely meant an earthquake and the coach would come down soon). :O
Now, next week, we will be getting paid to ride on a train to Denali. A very posh train where they feed you dinner while you get to see the beautiful scenery of Alaska. (We likely won't get a fancy dinner like the guests will, but still) Then we will stay over night at the Denali Lodge before taking a coach over to the McKinley Lodge to get a look around. For the whole time we are gone (with the exception of possibly eight hours, I'm not sure how that's going to work) we will be getting paid for our time. At some point next week, we'll be doing the same thing to Kenai, although I don't believe we'll be staying over night. Right now, for a lot of times, I feel like I'm getting paid to take the tour, only I get the fun part and am sitting in the drivers seat! (Trust me, it's a much more fun place to be than a passenger's seat. You can actually see a lot more)
Now, comparing it to Bel Aire (and you all know how I felt about that place), I'm currently getting paid a training wage of $7.15/hour (minimum wage in AK). That's only $.35 less than I was getting paid as an actual employee at Bel Aire. When I'm actually acting as a driver I'll be getting $10.50/hour. Also, although I've only worked three days this week, I've already logged 18.5 hours. That's more than I had in an entire week down there. I'm working four more days this week. And since I worked 9.75 hours today and Alaska's overtime policy is anytime over 8 hours in one day and 40 hours in one week, I've already logged 1.75 overtime hours. How's that for cool? And since there are days when I could work up to 12 or more hours, I'll be making good money. And seeing Alaska while I'm at it!
So for those of you who were wondering why I came up here, I think it's pretty self-explanatory. Can you blame me? :D

The randomness that is my brain

So, update! I'm in Alaska, although everyone who read this already knew that, oh well. I'm very excited for work to start, even if I do wish that it could start on Monday instead of tomorrow so I wouldn't be scrambling like mad trying to figure out how to be able to go to church. Oh well. I have faith in myself and, even more critical, that something this important will be able to work out.
Last night I had a thoroughly random dream. In it someone was trying to get us to solve a math problem in order to win something. It was actually a very simple equation. 96x11x180. This was in inches. My question is, how in the world did my brain come up with those numbers? Do you realize that if you figure out exactly how many inches that is, it comes up to exactly 3 miles?How did my brain come up with three numbers when multiplied by each other and then divided by 63,360 come to an even number? What are the odds? I was expecting a decimal with a lot of numbers behind it. It was very weird.

Getting ready to go

Well, since quitting my job at Bel Aire I admit, I've been bored out of my skull. But I haven't once regretted that decision. It's really nice to have these weeks to get ready to go. Even if they are going by really slowly. Just so everyone knows, I'm heading up to Seattle on the 25th, and will probably get there sometime the next day. Then my flight to Anchorage will leave on the 27th. Hopefully I'll be able to see some cool sights in Seattle while I'm there. I'm still looking for an apartment up there, the one I thought was lined up fell through. But I have talked to a couple of people up there that should be able to help, so I'm hopeful.
Anyway, if anyone wants to play before I go, let me know so we can get together. I really have nothing going on right now, so anytime you're available, I probably am too.
Let me know!

Finally!

Well, I did it. I quit my job. And not just gave a two weeks notice, no. Tomorrow is my very last day ever! I've felt ill all day and as soon as I made that decision, it was like the dark cloud above my head dissipated and I was free! That has to be the most amazing feeling in the world. The other most amazing feeling in the world is the knowledge that I don't ever have to go to that place and see that witch again. It's fantastic! My pocket book will, perhaps, yell at me later on, but my mental and emotional state of mind knows it's definitely worth it. What's $200 when you're literally killing yourself to get it? I'll find other ways. I don't know what they'll be yet, but I'll find them.

Getting beaten up

This week has been an interesting one. Of the five different objects I have driven or ridden, only one of them has not attacked me. Of the four that attacked me, only one of them didn't hurt me. That one happened to be the only object with a brain. How's that for odd?
I knocked over the motorcycle four times this week. Three of those times I got a bruise, along with a bump on my shin from one of them. I whacked my elbow into the luggage bay door on the bus while trying to get the tire thumper out of it, thus making quite the lump there. And last night, my dad's car's trunk hit me in the hip. I feel black and blue all over. Yesterday, I was riding a horse, and something freaked her out, and she reared up on me. Lissa and Dusty were both terrified that she was going to buck me off, but Lissa got her calmed down pretty quick while I held on. Oddly enough, I wasn't that scared. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush, but when I'm facing certain pain and, or, death, I think more clearly, and fear doesn't take over. As it was, I did imagine myself being thrown, and wondered if it would hurt too badly, and braced myself for it, but most of me was just wondering exactly what to do. Thinking back, it was kinda cool. How's that for odd?
Anyway, so now I'm trying to move and shift very carefully so I don't accidentally hurt myself again by hitting or leaning on one of my many bruises. It's much more difficult than I would have thought.

Depression and the amazing lack thereof.

It's interesting to see how much my life has changed over the last few months. I've been home now for almost as long as I was gone and my outlook on life has flopped 180 degrees. (Well, maybe 160)
I have finally learned to accept me for me. Before my mission, and especially in high school, I tried so hard to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I had to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect example, or people wouldn't like me. And I always wanted everyone to notice how perfect I was being. Now I don't have to be the perfect daughter. I love my parents, and they love me, but we don't always see eye to eye on all things and that's ok. I actually feel their love more than I did before. Not all of my friends understand the changes I've made, but most of them are actually getting along with me better now that I'm not trying so hard. While I still want approval and love, I don't go out of my way to find it. I don't become someone I'm not in order to gain someone's love.
And I finally figured out why that's so important. I couldn't feel other's love for me back then, because I wasn't being me. I was being someone else and they couldn't possibly love me, because they had no idea who I was. And I couldn't love me either, because I hadn't made that connection so I could finally start learning who I was. It took a very good, very blunt friend to knock me upside the head, tell me it was very difficult to love me, and show that she was trying anyway to finally help me see what I believe Heavenly Father was trying to get me to see all along. I believe with all my heart that this was the main reason that I went on a mission. Was so that this amazing person could help me realize I needed to go home. I am loved. Once I figured that out, nothing else mattered. I could simply be me and move on with my life. I won't say that everything fell into place immediately, but things definitely fell into place. And now I'm doing what I want to do. I'm living for me, instead of anyone else. In fact, for the first time ever, I'm living. Period.

The EVILS of Fragrances

I went to church today, as I do every Sunday. I also left church early, as I do every Sunday. Of course, this Sunday, I was pushing to make it through the first half of Sacrament meeting. I made it, but at great sacrifice. Now, for the next few hours, I have to suffer through the headache, dizziness, raw throat, and nausea that accompanies the inability to breathe when I'm around fragrances such as perfumes or lotions. The inability to breathe leaves as soon as I get away from the smell, but if I have let it go on long enough that the chemicals have reached my brain and stomach, the other ailments don't leave for several hours. I've suffered a fragrance induced headache for up to five hours before. No amount of pain killer helps, and allergy medication only makes it so that my nose and eyes don't water (although today the smell was strong enough that they did anyway). It's now painfully obvious that I cannot attend my regular ward meetings and will have to go back to going to my parents ward, where they have already established the fact that you just don't wear perfume to church (another lady in that ward is also allergic, along with my father, where I got my allergy). Now, I've gotten the whole "Oh, I've never heard of that allergy before" or "Just deal with it" or worst "Get over it". Okay. All you people with allergies to peanuts, just get over it. Here, have a peanut, but don't swell up and make it completely inconvenient for us when we have to take you to the hospital. People allergic to bee stings, just deal with the pain, the swelling, the sickness. It's not that big a deal. Why do people assume that because they haven't heard of an allergy it's not that bad? Why do people decide that we're just overstating it, because they can't actually see any symptoms and they think we "just don't like the smell"? No, our symptoms don't generally get so bad that we have to go to the hospital, because when we smell something that starts setting us off (and it is usually immediate, and I can smell it even when others can't) we get out of the situation. We're not stupid. If you were in water, trying to breathe, you know that you need to get out of the water in order to. Same with us. I literally cannot get the oxygen I need because of the chemicals in the air. By the time I was able to leave today, my nose had started tingling, indicating that I was running short on oxygen and I needed fresh air now.
Don't assume, just because you don't understand it, that it's not actually a problem. When we say we can't breathe, or your perfume is bothering us, don't take offense, just understand that we have an allergy and we're trying to take care of ourselves.

I got my CDIP!!!!

So, after spending three and a half hours at the DMV yesterday, and taking each of the three tests I had to pass twice, I got my Commercial Driver Instruction Permit. That means I can drive a bus if there is someone in it with me that has their CDL. It's basically a learner's permit for CDL. I'm glad that I finally got it out of the way, and I'm no longer fretting about it. It's nice.
Today I randomly got the incredible urge to clean. So my kitchen is now almost spotless. Almost, because there are stains I couldn't get out, although my brain is still racking itself, trying to come up with ideas on how I could. Also, the stove isn't completely clean, because I put the drip catchers (is that what they're called?) in the dishwasher, which isn't full yet, so I haven't run it. So all of the burners are just chillin' out on top of the stove for now. But I'm thinking about making cake, which would use enough dishes to fill up the dish washer, then I could run it.
God times.
Anyway, the cake mix is calling my name, and I'm going to heed it's call.

Six Months Later

In two days I'll have been home from my mission for six months. For the record, that's insane! The time has absolutely flown by. But as I look at the last six months, I'm amazed at how much I changed in what seems like such a tiny little time. Then to look at how much I've changed in the last year I'm flabbergasted. I went from not knowing who I was at all, to knowing myself well enough that no one can change me from me. For the first time in my life, I'm not depressed. For the first time, I don't have ten different voices in my head telling me to do different things. I only hear me. And to think that at one point I looked down on medication and therapy for depression. Trust me, never again. It did wonders for me! I am content.

My Soundtrack - The explanation

1. My Little Girl (Tim McGraw) – This song just makes me think of my dad and how I know now that he loves me. It took me a long time to figure that out, sadly, but this is to remind me of that love that he has for me.
2. Wind Beneath My Wings (Bette Midler) – This song I have always attributed to my mom. I’ve always felt I could sing this about her with almost complete accuracy. She has helped me through my life and has been there for me when no one else was.
3. My Turn to Fly (The Urge) – This was not only one of my favorite songs through Junior High, but it also marks a time when I was beginning to get out there and gain some independence.
4. Eye of the Tiger (Survivor) – This song is for Orem High School. End of story. I’ll always consider myself a Tiger.
5. Where Were You? (Alan Jackson) – This song is for September 11, 2001. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard that horrible news. I always will.
6. The Angry American (Toby Keith) – This is me applauding, to a point, the action our president took after 9/11. The country pulled together as never before. I only wish it had lasted.
7. So Complicated (Shedaisy) – This song was sung in my heart every time I saw a certain guy all through High School. He was my first love, and I’ll always have a place in my heart to remember how much he helped me through those years.
8. Graduation Song (Vitamin C) – When I graduated, I stayed fairly close to most of my friends, but some of them I haven’t seen since that day. I still remember them, and I hope that they remember me.
9. Breakaway (Kelly Clarkson) – In the year right after High School, when I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, I got very tired of being in Orem and wanted to go anywhere but. I wanted to breakaway and form my own life, but I wasn’t sure how to, and I was scared.
10. Danger Zone (Top Gun) – This was my hot song my first year in College. Marissa Hales, one of my roommates, gave each of us hot songs to remind us that we are always hot.
11. Separate Ways (Journey) – That same roommate, Mar, loved this song and enjoyed dedicating it to each of us in turn, including herself about half the time. Someday love would find us.
12. The Spirit Carries On (Dream Theater) – This song got me through my great-grandmother’s death.
13. Suddenly (Superchick) – This was my theme song for a while there. In the few months before my mission, I wasn’t enjoying my job, and I hated being at home. I feared a part of why I turned my papers in then was not just because Heavenly Father had told me to, but also to escape the life I felt trapped in. I felt as though I was simply existing, not living, and I hoped a mission would help me there.
14. Running Away (Midnight Hour) – Because of how I was feeling about my mission, I almost felt I was using it to run away. I heard this song and it described how I felt about it.
15. Angel of Darkness (Alex C) – When I left on my mission I was determined to help fight Satan, the Angel of Darkness. This song, in a way, will always be my theme song, since I will fight until the end.
16. Leave Out All the Rest (Linkin Park) – When I left my mission I was depressed and definitely not living up to my full potential. It took all of my strength just to make it through the day, and I felt as though I was dying.
17. Don’t Give Up (Judge Jules) – Although I was depressed when I came home, there was a flicker of hope, due to my absolute testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I realized that I needed to be true to myself and Heavenly Father, and no one else really mattered.
18. Breaking the Habit (Linkin Park) – I believe that everyone has something they are addicted to. For most people it’s not very obvious. Me? I was addicted to sorrow and depression. As I started therapy, I had to break that addiction.
19. Papercut (Linkin Park) – While the depression was at it’s worst, I felt as though there were several me’s inside my head, each trying to gain power over the others and laughing when they succeeded. I wasn’t sure which of them I truly was. It wasn’t until I embraced them all that I found some control over them.
20. Bring Me Back to Life (Evanescence) – As I said earlier, I felt as though I was dying when I got home. I was truly drowning in my depression, and it took a lot to find my way back up to the surface. Over the months following me getting home, I felt like I was coming back to life, and the world seemed brighter than it had in a long time.
21. Independently Happy (Blue October) – I cannot describe my feelings when I listened to this song for the first time and realized that I was truly independently happy. I didn’t need a guy, I didn’t need my depression, I didn’t need anything but the atonement in my life, and I was, for the first time I could remember, truly happy. It was likely the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.
22. One Step at a Time (Jordin Sparks) – I’m not done with my life, I’ve got a long way to go before this depression is fully conquered and I feel like I have complete control over my life. However, in the meantime, I am taking one step at a time, and letting my feet go where they will.

Good News!

First off. I'm 23! Weird. My birthday was on Saturday, and while it was intensely boring, it was also really nice. With the money my grandparents gave me, I bought myself the book Inkheart, which is proving to be a very good read. I'm enjoying it a lot. I also got incredibly comfy shoes from my little sister, and nativity set from my parents (yes, that does make sense, because I collect them), and the first season of Samantha Who? from my friend, Heather. I haven't begun watching it yet, because I was finishing up Farscape, but I'm done with Farscape now, and I can move onto a new series. Looks like that will be Samantha Who? - I'll let you know what I think.
On Sunday, I got a bill from Etsy saying I actually owed them money. Which was weird to me, since they didn't want me to pay them until I owed them over $1, and I'd stayed at $.80 for a few months. Well, come to find out, I had sold two of my wands in the last month. One to Norway, and one to Spain. So I got the money for them, and sent them off yesterday. It was kind of exciting to realize that my wands were on their way to Europe.
Yesterday I got a call from Princess Tours, telling me that orientation begins this Saturday. YAY! I'm actually going to be learning something! Between now and then, however, I'm supposed to get a drug test, my CDL permit, and a physical (although they told me I could wait a little bit on the physical, since they told me so late). So now I need to study my little heart out so that I'll be smart enough to take the permit test. That also sounds like a lot of fun. My life has been so boring lately that anything is welcome.
The only bad news I've gotten the last little bit is that in order to fix my windshield wipers, they have to get an entirely new part, which will cost about $200. I don't really have $200. So this could be interesting. But hopefully that's all they'll need to do, so that should be good.

Don't pretend to know my job!

Ever notice how most of my entries lately are me ranting about how obnoxious my job and boss are? I have. Sorry about that. One of these days I'll even do a couple of entries in a row that aren't. Today isn't one of those days.
My boss called me into her office today after I finished my work to "talk" (I always know when she says that, I'm going to come out of it a little upset). So she informed me of all the things I've done wrong. Of course, most of the things I actually haven't done wrong, except for today. Marj (one of the residents) decided after waiting for about two minutes this morning, that she wasn't going to stick around for the rest of breakfast. I'd already given her the fruit cup that everyone gets every morning, and had offered her a drink of either milk or juice. She ate her fruit, but refused her drink. So I figured, okay, lets get her breakfast quick then, so she'll have something to eat. I went into the kitchen to put the french toast on the griddle. Before they were even halfway done, Marj got up and left. Well, she's done that before, while I'm trying to cook her breakfast, so I figured she'd be back soon and she just needed to go do something in her room. That's what usually happens. About half an hour later, after I've fed everyone who was now out, one of my coworkers came out and informed (not me, the cook) my other coworker that Marj wasn't coming out for breakfast because she had waited too long for it. Now, she couldn't have been waiting in that chair more than five minutes between the time when I offered her a drink and the time she got up and left. Had she waited another two minutes, breakfast would have been ready (yes, five minutes later than I'm technically supposed to have breakfast on the table, sue me, I was tired), and she could have eaten. But she left, and I got in trouble for it. For the record, that hardly ever happens. In fact, I can't actually remember a time when it has. I'm sure it has, and I just didn't pay any attention to it, but that does show you that it really doesn't happen very often. The thing that bugged me the most is that I was explaining to my boss why I didn't have breakfast on the table right at eight, and she told me that I needed to have breakfast ready enough to feed at least one person at 0730. I like to see her try. And, although she tried to convince me otherwise, it would be a complete waste. No one is out by 0730 and ready to eat. She tried to tell me that Anne is, but this morning she didn't come out until between 0830 and 0845. Even when she does come out early, she asks when breakfast will be ready and I tell her how many more minutes until 0800 and she wanders around trying to exercise her legs. Every one of the residents are perfectly fine (apparently with the exception of Marj) of waiting until 0800 to eat. My boss is the only one who seems to have a problem with it (and, again, apparently Marj some days). Sometimes I really wonder if my boss is just trying to come up with things to blame on me. Because about half of the things she accuses me of, even if they were true, would be a bit of a stretch, that most people wouldn't have a problem with. And the other things that are true, only happened once or twice, are easily fixable and really, all in all, not that big of a deal. Yes, back when I was in charge of meds, and I was messing those up, that was a problem. There's a reason I asked her to make it so I wasn't in charge of those anymore. I don't want to hurt those residents. But getting upset at me (fortunately she wasn't too upset at this, or I'd be questioning her sanity) for stopping her from putting a dirty dish in my clean soapy dish water so I could rinse it off first, is a bit excessive. And ridiculous. I know my job. I know what those residents want for breakfast better than anyone, I can almost guarantee it. Ask me any question about breakfast about any day and any resident, and I can answer it. (As long as it's actually pertinent, and I wouldn't put it past my boss to ask a completely impertinent question and get mad because I didn't know the answer.)
Anyway, I've gotten that out of my system. Good night.

Pain and Priesthood blessings

Today I went to my cousins farewell. Halfway through Sacrament meeting, my headache started getting worse and my stomach started hurting really badly. I stayed through Chane's talk, but had to leave right afterward. However, all that happened was that the pain in my stomach just got worse. So I stayed out in the foyer(ish) until the end of Sacrament meeting, then I went into the chapel to ask my dad if he could get someone to help him give me a blessing. I figured since both of my brothers were there, along with most of my uncles and my grandpa, it wouldn't take much to find someone. So my dad got Richard to join us and we went into an empty classroom. By this time my stomach hurt so badly that I could barely walk and I couldn't see because of the tears in my eyes. I don't cry for physical pain very easily, so that will tell you how bad it was.
So Richard and my Dad gave me a blessing. I have never had pain recede that quickly before. Almost as soon as my dad started the blessing the pain started to go away. By the time Dad was driving me home, I was exhausted, but fairly well pain-free. Interestingly enough, this also gave me a chance to learn something about myself. I mentioned how cool priesthood blessing were to my dad, and he told me that they had always worked on me. He said that sometimes when I was very little, too young to really know what was going on, I would be crying and nothing either of my parents could do could calm me down. But when Dad gave me a blessing I'd calm right down and go to sleep.
I look at all of the signs in my life that Heavenly Father loves me, and I wonder how people could not believe in him. I know that occasionally life stinks, but a lot of those times are times when Heavenly Father is trying to show you his love and how much you need to rely on him. This morning's pain was really bad, and I didn't like it at the time, but because of it, I was able to not only feel my Heavenly Father's love for me as he took the pain away, but my Dad's love for me as he showed his concern and gave me a blessing. I'm very grateful for times such as these.

Forgiveness

Yesterday's experience that I ranted about on here helped me realize something. I don't hate easily. Even when I feel something akin to hatred, it goes away quickly usually. Yesterday I wrote in my journal that I hated my boss. Well, I don't. I no longer dislike her. I still don't like her, but this morning I was able to speak to her with indifference. This makes it go back to one person that I dislike. And that dislike could possibly be above the dislike category and hitting the hatred category. Because his offense was not against me. His offense was against someone I love as a sister and will always regard her as such. I have discovered that when an offense against me is made, it is forgiven quickly. Especially when it is such a small offense as simply insulting me. It doesn't change the fact that I still want a different job and that I don't like working with her, since she is, well, actually I'm not sure how to describe her that you could understand. You'd just have to meet her under the circumstances that her employees know her.
I'm glad to know that I can rise above her and forgive. I'm glad to know that no matter how much my boss bugs the crap out of me, I will not do anything to make it so that I'm not giving those residents the best care I can. If that means having to put up with her when I have to, so be it. For now.

Shoot me now!

This is going to be somewhat of a rant. (I'm sure you've noticed that I do a lot of those).
So I worked the graveyard shift for my friend last night and this afternoon got a call from my boss railing into me about all of the things I did wrong. Of course, the only thing that I got out of her spiel that was actually my fault was that one of the residents was sopping wet when she got up this morning. Now, I would like to point out that this particular resident is wet most mornings, and the last (and only) time I worked a morning shift where I got her up she had soaked clear through two briefs and the sheets as well, because the night aide hadn't taken her to the bathroom at all. I did at least take her once and had to put up with her yelling at me because I was mean enough to make her do all the things that she's capable of doing by herself. I didn't do everything for her. OH MY GOSH!!! I am such a HORRIBLE person. I'm trying to keep her strong. Sue me.
So I'm now forbidden forever, from taking a night shift. Does this seem at all fair to anyone? I wish I could find another job that would be willing to hire me for only three months, but there never is anyone like that, and I'm moving in April. I cannot wait. For multiple reasons. This just adds to the list.
Okay. I'm done ranting now. I don't feel any better.

Soundtrack to Life

Isn't it interesting how sometimes when you're walking along, listening to a song, it describes your life right then perfectly?
Maybe that's just me.
However, that has happened to me on many occasions. So I've been thinking about a soundtrack for my life. I've come up with a couple of songs for it. Of course, I would have to have Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning by Alan Jackson to remember Sept 11, 2001. The year in between High School and College would be Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson. My first college year would have to be Danger Zone from Top Gun and Someday Love Will Find You by Journey (Danger Zone was my "hot song" (all of the roommates had one) and one of my roommates was forever dedicating Someday Love Will Find You to almost anyone that was in the room). The time after that first year of college would be Suddenly by Superchick. The time right before my mission would be Running Away by Midnight Hour. The time right before I came home from my mission would be Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park. The time right after my mission would have to be Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park, Bring Me to Life by Evanescence, and Papercut by Linkin Park. And right now would be Independently Happy by Blue October.
It will be interesting to find out what songs coincide with the adventure I will take this summer to Alaska.

The Force?

May the Force be with you! We've all heard this line hundreds, if not millions of times. But what does it mean? I don't think I want it with me.
I was watching, on and off, Star Wars Episode three on Monday. Of course, we all know what happens. Out of desperation to save his beloved wife, Padme, from dying in child birth, Anakin turns to the dark side, essentially killing her.
But what bothered me when I watched it this time was not the fact that he was so incredibly blind, but what Yoda says to him at one point.
"The fear of loss is a path to the dark side. . . Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is. . . Train yourself to let go... of everything you fear to lose."
So what are they saying? That we should never love anyone? Of course they are. That's why Anakin turned isn't it? Because he loved too much. So what about Obi-Wan? He loved Anakin. It killed him when he had to destroy Anakin. But what eventually leads to the downfall of the Empire? Love. A Jedi Knight refuses to kill a Sith Lord out of love. And the Dith Lord has that love awakened in him and saves his son. Luke mourns his father. It's one of the most beautiful parts of the entire series. Love saves Anakin.
The fear of loss isn't what turned him. He didn't want to loose his wife because he loved her, yes. But he could have taken a different path. Had he taken a different path, she would have lived. Had he truly loved her, he never could have hurt her the way he did. I believe he thought he loved her. But to truly love someone means to never go down a path that they cannot follow and expect them too.
I guess what really bothered me, is that you cannot live without love. The Jedi way of life is by practice a loving life, because they protect life. They care about others. But you cannot allow yourself happiness, joy, and love because (as there is opposition in all things, even in the sci fi world) those emotions can lead to sadness, pain, and jealousy. However, not allowing yourself to feel those emotions will lead somewhere far worse. Apathy. If you are not happy, you don't necessarily have to be sad. You can just be there. You can just exsist. But if you start caring about people, you might just grow to love them. If you love them and they are lost to you, then you will feel sorrow. And, to quote Yoda again, that can lead to anger, which leads to hate, which can lead to gasp! suffering! Well, which one of us hasn't suffered? Yoda himself has suffered. But I know from many experiences that suffering is much less if you have someone that you love and that loves you back to share in that.
So I suppose that's my rant for the day. I like the force they portray in the last three movies, but the force in the first three in competely apathetic and seems as dark to me as the dark side. The dark side doesn't love simply because they are evil. The light side doesn't love because they aren't allowed. All in all, not a whole lot of love going around.

Moving to Alaska

So I got the job in Alaska that I wanted. I cannot wait! My Mom really wants someone to drive up there with me, I'm not sure who though. My aunt really wants to go to Alaska, and I think spending a week and a half with her would be really fun. I don't know. I think the whole trip would at least be much less boring if someone were with me. The question is, would whoever it is be okay with my music? Cause I'm planning on having a LOT of CD's with me and and MP3 player that will play over the radio. I need music when I drive, or I can't concentrate. That could be interesting while I'm driving a bus. Maybe I'll get over my constant need for music while I'm there. . . but probably not.
Training starts sometime next month, and from what I understand, I should be paid minimum wage for the hours I spend learning. Isn't that AWESOME? I'm getting paid to learn. The thing I love to do almost more than anything, and I'm getting paid for it. I love it.
Anyway, That's my update. Pretty short, I know, but that's life right now. Fairly boring (until I move anyway. Hopefully I'll have a lot of updates then).

The end of the old, the beginning of the new

Before I begin, let me just say that 2008 was very good to me. I had many wonderful experiences, not the least of these being my incredible mission. But let me tell you, it did not start out too great.
2008 started out as most of my years do, at my grandparent's house, which is fine. But around 11:55, I started getting an incredibly bad headache. Right at midnight, it shot clear out of the roof and left me in tears - due to the abnormally loud noise then emanating from my family as they celebrated the new year. I didn't complain for about five minutes, allowing the fact that they were excited about something I really wasn't. But after five minutes of non stop horn blowing and screaming (I couldn't figure out how the younger cousins hadn't woken up yet), I began to wonder when they would stop. I finally had to go outside to get away from the noise, although I could still hear it. I was fairly sobbing now, my head hurt so badly, and I was cold on top of it. But I lay down on the driveway, and tried to wait it out and let my family enjoy their moment. It was not the best way to start a new year.
2009 began in a much quieter and more Julie Ann-ish way.
I had been invited by a friend to a party, which I actually had been planning on going to; until I got too into my book. I began it at about 6:00, and by the time it would have been time to go, I was just getting to the best part of the book, and I wasn't really feeling that celebratory anyway. So I texted my friend, told her I was feeling anti-social and wouldn't make it, and then went back to my book, glancing up every once in a while to check and see how long it would be until midnight. Even with my checking, I missed it by about a minute. A little before 12:01, I once again glanced at my watch and noticed that it was, officially, 2009. So I absently said Happy New Year to myself, and went back to my book, which was at the part that absolutely thrilled me by this time. At 12:15, I finished my book, said good night to my surprisingly still awake father, and went downstairs to my bed. Well, 2009 was already starting out better than 2008, but I still wanted to truly start this year out correctly. So I pulled out my scriptures and read. I only really had time for one chapter, as I had work at 7:00 the next morning, and really needed sleep, but I read anyway and then wrote shortly in my journal. Feeling I had accomplished my goal to start 2009 well, I put everything away, and turned off my light and went to bed.
So that is how I rang in this year. If I can say so without offending anyone, I liked it better than any other new year, and I'm tempted to do it again for 2010. We'll see.