Call me crazy, and I know a few of you will, but I have a tendency to take on characteristics of characters from TV shows I watch. For instance, anytime I watched an episode of Stargate Atlantis that featured Rodney McKay, which was most of them, I found myself talking really, really fast and using very large words. Now, as one of the characters from my current TV show is contemplating his life, it makes me begin to contemplate mine.
I don't think many of you will know this, since I've only told some friends, a few coworkers, and my uncle, but I have recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Which explains a LOT. The weird thing is, when I started the medication that my doctor prescribed me, the bipolar went crazy! Trust me, you have never had mood swings until you've been put on a mood stabilizer. Just the name makes me laugh at the irony. I think what happens is that the medication sends to you the highest high it can get you to and lowest low so that it can slowly make that roller coaster even out. So I blame the fact that I randomly started crying nonstop during church a few weeks ago on that crazy fact. And all the hyperness that I've been feeling is probably because of that as well.
Anyway, what I have realized during the initial diagnostic process and since then as well, is that I don't actually know what it feels like to be normal. It's an odd realization. When my doctor asked me what the most irrational thing I'd ever done, something that just didn't seem like me, was, I couldn't really answer him. Because nothing doesn't really seem like me. I suppose I've had to be more logical than most people since I get sudden urges to do random things like just jump in a car and drive as far as I can, if only to see where I end up. But I don't ever do them. Because I know it doesn't make sense. And I don't have the money for gas so I'd end up stranded on the side of the road somewhere with no cell service and completely lost at the same time, with my luck. :) But the point is, I don't think I'm even going to know if my medication is working or if I'm simply in a slightly manic state where I feel like I might be normal. I literally do not know what normal feels like. Does that make me crazy?
I was talking to my Dad about this, since he had the unfortunate experience of being the one that saw me crying for absolutely no reason at church, and he quoted my brother. "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." I responded that I didn't. He said that was obvious. Am I actually insane, or does realizing that I can't do this by myself, getting on medication and talking to a therapist prove that I'm not?
I don't honestly know if I know the answer to that. I know that my job helps me feel a little better about life, since I'm hardly ever bored and am learning a lot. But I'm scared that I'll end up feeling stagnant again. I always do, in every job I've ever had. What does that say about me? That I learn too quickly, or just get bored too easily?
As I'm sure you can tell, my life is a little weird right now. I guess there's a lot of stuff that I can talk to my new therapist about next Tuesday. But I hope that normalcy is close. Never take a working brain for granted. Having a chemical imbalance there is no fun at all.
