Clarification

Just to let everyone know, contrary to apparently popular belief, my last blog entry was not a suicide note. I'll be honest, there have been times in my life when I have wanted to die. But I would never kill myself and this wasn't even one of those times. I simply want to, seriously want to, know how to fill this hole. There's no way to form lasting commitments when you're constantly being drawn to run. There's no way to feel truly, completely happy when there's a hole inside of you that you can't fill, you don't understand, and you don't know where it came from.
So those of you who are so concerned about me, don't be. Chill out. Someday, I'll figure out what's up. I don't know when that will be or how, but I know it will come.

Now What?

It's official. I got into my third "incident" today. And though they were all very minor incidents, all just including mirrors and none with any horrible damage, I have lost my job.
I saw it coming. How can you get into two incidents in less than a month and not be worried there'd be a third soon? I don't know why this has happened though. If I can't focus enough to see what's around a coach, what CAN I focus on? What am I good enough at that I can make it a career? And why am I always good at the things I don't enjoy and can't seem to get good at the things I do? The only thing I like doing and am good at is sewing. But I can't think of a job I'd like in that.
So here's the question. What do I do now? Do I try to get a job as a guest service host even though that job looks so boring to me that I might shoot myself if I'm doing it? Or do I spend the money to come home and search for a job I might not like either? Or do I finally just give into the urge to get in my car and just keep driving until I can't anymore? That urge has been with me ever since I bought my first car and has been gone for a month and a half as I finally, for the first time in my life, had a job I absolutely loved. But it's come back full force. How can I go through life feeling like this? Like there's something inside of me that's missing and I might just find it around the next bend. Maybe that's why I want to travel so much. Where do I find the missing piece of my heart if I can't find it in the temple, at church, or at home? It wasn't on my mission, it isn't here in Alaska. How do I exist if I can't actually finish anything? I hop from thing to thing, hoping that this is where I'll find comfort, but it doesn't come. Not the kind I'm looking for. Not the kind that will fill the hole in my heart that formed in some mysterious way.

Prince Williams Sound

In front of the Cascade Glacier

In Prince William Sound

The Map of where the Cruise went

My cruise yesterday was pretty fun. We saw a lot of glaciers. They are absolutely beautiful, but they all look alike, so I don't know why it's so cool to see so many. But I only spent $25 to go on a $150 or so cruise, so I was okay with that. We're going on the Portage Glacier Cruise on Tuesday and I've requested the opportunity to drive for it. I'm pretty excited. That one's only about an hour long, so I won't get tired of being on the water. At least we got fed lunch. It was really good too. Fried chicken. :D
I had to be up and at work this morning at 0300. I woke up at about 0245 when my friend called and said he was outside. Good thing it doesn't take me very long to get ready. But I did airport shuttle today, which is oddly enough a really good job because while it's slightly boring, you get paid really good tips. And now I'm really tired and I think I'll take a nap.

How I feel. Random, I know

It's odd the amount of people who ask me how I can drive something so huge. A motorcoach doesn't actually seem that large to me anymore. Yes, it's bigger than anything else on the road except for Semi's, but once you understand and respect it's size, the challenge of driving it diminishes greatly. Don't get me wrong, the challenge definitely does not disappear entirely, I would disappointed if it did, but rather changes slightly. It's difficult to explain. The motorcoach no longer seems big; everything else seems small. It's like driving a regular car around in a half-sized village. It fits, but only barely and you have to be careful not to crush all of the other tiny little cars. The large size of your vehicle isn't the problem, it's the small size of the other ones.

I love this job. In no other job before this have I been paid to do something I would almost do for free. I love driving, I always have, and the challenges that driving a motorcoach provide just make it that much more exciting. This is the first job that I have actually hope for more hours instead of trying to come up with ways of calling in sick without actually lying. In fact, the two times I have had to call in sick I was quite disappointed. Nothing makes my day like working for 13 hours. Isn't that insane? I love it.

Everyday I meet people from all over the world. New Zealand, England, and the Netherlands, just to name a few that I'm sure of. I'm pretty certain that I've seen people from India, Germany, and several Oriental countries as well. All of them are coming from their various corners of the globe to see this amazing land that is Alaska. This land that I've quickly grown to love.

I don't know of many things that make me smile more than hearing people's intense excitement at seeing a moose for the first time. I can hear my first time excitement in their voices and it reminds me of when I was in their shoes. Has it really only been a month? I feel I have been in this place forever, and yet the time has simply flown by. It's incredible, really.