Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Finally!
Well, I did it. I quit my job. And not just gave a two weeks notice, no. Tomorrow is my very last day ever! I've felt ill all day and as soon as I made that decision, it was like the dark cloud above my head dissipated and I was free! That has to be the most amazing feeling in the world. The other most amazing feeling in the world is the knowledge that I don't ever have to go to that place and see that witch again. It's fantastic! My pocket book will, perhaps, yell at me later on, but my mental and emotional state of mind knows it's definitely worth it. What's $200 when you're literally killing yourself to get it? I'll find other ways. I don't know what they'll be yet, but I'll find them.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Getting beaten up
This week has been an interesting one. Of the five different objects I have driven or ridden, only one of them has not attacked me. Of the four that attacked me, only one of them didn't hurt me. That one happened to be the only object with a brain. How's that for odd?
I knocked over the motorcycle four times this week. Three of those times I got a bruise, along with a bump on my shin from one of them. I whacked my elbow into the luggage bay door on the bus while trying to get the tire thumper out of it, thus making quite the lump there. And last night, my dad's car's trunk hit me in the hip. I feel black and blue all over. Yesterday, I was riding a horse, and something freaked her out, and she reared up on me. Lissa and Dusty were both terrified that she was going to buck me off, but Lissa got her calmed down pretty quick while I held on. Oddly enough, I wasn't that scared. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush, but when I'm facing certain pain and, or, death, I think more clearly, and fear doesn't take over. As it was, I did imagine myself being thrown, and wondered if it would hurt too badly, and braced myself for it, but most of me was just wondering exactly what to do. Thinking back, it was kinda cool. How's that for odd?
Anyway, so now I'm trying to move and shift very carefully so I don't accidentally hurt myself again by hitting or leaning on one of my many bruises. It's much more difficult than I would have thought.
I knocked over the motorcycle four times this week. Three of those times I got a bruise, along with a bump on my shin from one of them. I whacked my elbow into the luggage bay door on the bus while trying to get the tire thumper out of it, thus making quite the lump there. And last night, my dad's car's trunk hit me in the hip. I feel black and blue all over. Yesterday, I was riding a horse, and something freaked her out, and she reared up on me. Lissa and Dusty were both terrified that she was going to buck me off, but Lissa got her calmed down pretty quick while I held on. Oddly enough, I wasn't that scared. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush, but when I'm facing certain pain and, or, death, I think more clearly, and fear doesn't take over. As it was, I did imagine myself being thrown, and wondered if it would hurt too badly, and braced myself for it, but most of me was just wondering exactly what to do. Thinking back, it was kinda cool. How's that for odd?
Anyway, so now I'm trying to move and shift very carefully so I don't accidentally hurt myself again by hitting or leaning on one of my many bruises. It's much more difficult than I would have thought.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Depression and the amazing lack thereof.
It's interesting to see how much my life has changed over the last few months. I've been home now for almost as long as I was gone and my outlook on life has flopped 180 degrees. (Well, maybe 160)
I have finally learned to accept me for me. Before my mission, and especially in high school, I tried so hard to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I had to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect example, or people wouldn't like me. And I always wanted everyone to notice how perfect I was being. Now I don't have to be the perfect daughter. I love my parents, and they love me, but we don't always see eye to eye on all things and that's ok. I actually feel their love more than I did before. Not all of my friends understand the changes I've made, but most of them are actually getting along with me better now that I'm not trying so hard. While I still want approval and love, I don't go out of my way to find it. I don't become someone I'm not in order to gain someone's love.
And I finally figured out why that's so important. I couldn't feel other's love for me back then, because I wasn't being me. I was being someone else and they couldn't possibly love me, because they had no idea who I was. And I couldn't love me either, because I hadn't made that connection so I could finally start learning who I was. It took a very good, very blunt friend to knock me upside the head, tell me it was very difficult to love me, and show that she was trying anyway to finally help me see what I believe Heavenly Father was trying to get me to see all along. I believe with all my heart that this was the main reason that I went on a mission. Was so that this amazing person could help me realize I needed to go home. I am loved. Once I figured that out, nothing else mattered. I could simply be me and move on with my life. I won't say that everything fell into place immediately, but things definitely fell into place. And now I'm doing what I want to do. I'm living for me, instead of anyone else. In fact, for the first time ever, I'm living. Period.
I have finally learned to accept me for me. Before my mission, and especially in high school, I tried so hard to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I had to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect example, or people wouldn't like me. And I always wanted everyone to notice how perfect I was being. Now I don't have to be the perfect daughter. I love my parents, and they love me, but we don't always see eye to eye on all things and that's ok. I actually feel their love more than I did before. Not all of my friends understand the changes I've made, but most of them are actually getting along with me better now that I'm not trying so hard. While I still want approval and love, I don't go out of my way to find it. I don't become someone I'm not in order to gain someone's love.
And I finally figured out why that's so important. I couldn't feel other's love for me back then, because I wasn't being me. I was being someone else and they couldn't possibly love me, because they had no idea who I was. And I couldn't love me either, because I hadn't made that connection so I could finally start learning who I was. It took a very good, very blunt friend to knock me upside the head, tell me it was very difficult to love me, and show that she was trying anyway to finally help me see what I believe Heavenly Father was trying to get me to see all along. I believe with all my heart that this was the main reason that I went on a mission. Was so that this amazing person could help me realize I needed to go home. I am loved. Once I figured that out, nothing else mattered. I could simply be me and move on with my life. I won't say that everything fell into place immediately, but things definitely fell into place. And now I'm doing what I want to do. I'm living for me, instead of anyone else. In fact, for the first time ever, I'm living. Period.
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