I went to church today, as I do every Sunday. I also left church early, as I do every Sunday. Of course, this Sunday, I was pushing to make it through the first half of Sacrament meeting. I made it, but at great sacrifice. Now, for the next few hours, I have to suffer through the headache, dizziness, raw throat, and nausea that accompanies the inability to breathe when I'm around fragrances such as perfumes or lotions. The inability to breathe leaves as soon as I get away from the smell, but if I have let it go on long enough that the chemicals have reached my brain and stomach, the other ailments don't leave for several hours. I've suffered a fragrance induced headache for up to five hours before. No amount of pain killer helps, and allergy medication only makes it so that my nose and eyes don't water (although today the smell was strong enough that they did anyway). It's now painfully obvious that I cannot attend my regular ward meetings and will have to go back to going to my parents ward, where they have already established the fact that you just don't wear perfume to church (another lady in that ward is also allergic, along with my father, where I got my allergy). Now, I've gotten the whole "Oh, I've never heard of that allergy before" or "Just deal with it" or worst "Get over it". Okay. All you people with allergies to peanuts, just get over it. Here, have a peanut, but don't swell up and make it completely inconvenient for us when we have to take you to the hospital. People allergic to bee stings, just deal with the pain, the swelling, the sickness. It's not that big a deal. Why do people assume that because they haven't heard of an allergy it's not that bad? Why do people decide that we're just overstating it, because they can't actually see any symptoms and they think we "just don't like the smell"? No, our symptoms don't generally get so bad that we have to go to the hospital, because when we smell something that starts setting us off (and it is usually immediate, and I can smell it even when others can't) we get out of the situation. We're not stupid. If you were in water, trying to breathe, you know that you need to get out of the water in order to. Same with us. I literally cannot get the oxygen I need because of the chemicals in the air. By the time I was able to leave today, my nose had started tingling, indicating that I was running short on oxygen and I needed fresh air now.
Don't assume, just because you don't understand it, that it's not actually a problem. When we say we can't breathe, or your perfume is bothering us, don't take offense, just understand that we have an allergy and we're trying to take care of ourselves.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
I got my CDIP!!!!
So, after spending three and a half hours at the DMV yesterday, and taking each of the three tests I had to pass twice, I got my Commercial Driver Instruction Permit. That means I can drive a bus if there is someone in it with me that has their CDL. It's basically a learner's permit for CDL. I'm glad that I finally got it out of the way, and I'm no longer fretting about it. It's nice.
Today I randomly got the incredible urge to clean. So my kitchen is now almost spotless. Almost, because there are stains I couldn't get out, although my brain is still racking itself, trying to come up with ideas on how I could. Also, the stove isn't completely clean, because I put the drip catchers (is that what they're called?) in the dishwasher, which isn't full yet, so I haven't run it. So all of the burners are just chillin' out on top of the stove for now. But I'm thinking about making cake, which would use enough dishes to fill up the dish washer, then I could run it.
God times.
Anyway, the cake mix is calling my name, and I'm going to heed it's call.
Today I randomly got the incredible urge to clean. So my kitchen is now almost spotless. Almost, because there are stains I couldn't get out, although my brain is still racking itself, trying to come up with ideas on how I could. Also, the stove isn't completely clean, because I put the drip catchers (is that what they're called?) in the dishwasher, which isn't full yet, so I haven't run it. So all of the burners are just chillin' out on top of the stove for now. But I'm thinking about making cake, which would use enough dishes to fill up the dish washer, then I could run it.
God times.
Anyway, the cake mix is calling my name, and I'm going to heed it's call.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Six Months Later
In two days I'll have been home from my mission for six months. For the record, that's insane! The time has absolutely flown by. But as I look at the last six months, I'm amazed at how much I changed in what seems like such a tiny little time. Then to look at how much I've changed in the last year I'm flabbergasted. I went from not knowing who I was at all, to knowing myself well enough that no one can change me from me. For the first time in my life, I'm not depressed. For the first time, I don't have ten different voices in my head telling me to do different things. I only hear me. And to think that at one point I looked down on medication and therapy for depression. Trust me, never again. It did wonders for me! I am content.
Friday, February 6, 2009
My Soundtrack - The explanation
1. My Little Girl (Tim McGraw) – This song just makes me think of my dad and how I know now that he loves me. It took me a long time to figure that out, sadly, but this is to remind me of that love that he has for me.
2. Wind Beneath My Wings (Bette Midler) – This song I have always attributed to my mom. I’ve always felt I could sing this about her with almost complete accuracy. She has helped me through my life and has been there for me when no one else was.
3. My Turn to Fly (The Urge) – This was not only one of my favorite songs through Junior High, but it also marks a time when I was beginning to get out there and gain some independence.
4. Eye of the Tiger (Survivor) – This song is for Orem High School. End of story. I’ll always consider myself a Tiger.
5. Where Were You? (Alan Jackson) – This song is for September 11, 2001. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard that horrible news. I always will.
6. The Angry American (Toby Keith) – This is me applauding, to a point, the action our president took after 9/11. The country pulled together as never before. I only wish it had lasted.
7. So Complicated (Shedaisy) – This song was sung in my heart every time I saw a certain guy all through High School. He was my first love, and I’ll always have a place in my heart to remember how much he helped me through those years.
8. Graduation Song (Vitamin C) – When I graduated, I stayed fairly close to most of my friends, but some of them I haven’t seen since that day. I still remember them, and I hope that they remember me.
9. Breakaway (Kelly Clarkson) – In the year right after High School, when I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, I got very tired of being in Orem and wanted to go anywhere but. I wanted to breakaway and form my own life, but I wasn’t sure how to, and I was scared.
10. Danger Zone (Top Gun) – This was my hot song my first year in College. Marissa Hales, one of my roommates, gave each of us hot songs to remind us that we are always hot.
11. Separate Ways (Journey) – That same roommate, Mar, loved this song and enjoyed dedicating it to each of us in turn, including herself about half the time. Someday love would find us.
12. The Spirit Carries On (Dream Theater) – This song got me through my great-grandmother’s death.
13. Suddenly (Superchick) – This was my theme song for a while there. In the few months before my mission, I wasn’t enjoying my job, and I hated being at home. I feared a part of why I turned my papers in then was not just because Heavenly Father had told me to, but also to escape the life I felt trapped in. I felt as though I was simply existing, not living, and I hoped a mission would help me there.
14. Running Away (Midnight Hour) – Because of how I was feeling about my mission, I almost felt I was using it to run away. I heard this song and it described how I felt about it.
15. Angel of Darkness (Alex C) – When I left on my mission I was determined to help fight Satan, the Angel of Darkness. This song, in a way, will always be my theme song, since I will fight until the end.
16. Leave Out All the Rest (Linkin Park) – When I left my mission I was depressed and definitely not living up to my full potential. It took all of my strength just to make it through the day, and I felt as though I was dying.
17. Don’t Give Up (Judge Jules) – Although I was depressed when I came home, there was a flicker of hope, due to my absolute testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I realized that I needed to be true to myself and Heavenly Father, and no one else really mattered.
18. Breaking the Habit (Linkin Park) – I believe that everyone has something they are addicted to. For most people it’s not very obvious. Me? I was addicted to sorrow and depression. As I started therapy, I had to break that addiction.
19. Papercut (Linkin Park) – While the depression was at it’s worst, I felt as though there were several me’s inside my head, each trying to gain power over the others and laughing when they succeeded. I wasn’t sure which of them I truly was. It wasn’t until I embraced them all that I found some control over them.
20. Bring Me Back to Life (Evanescence) – As I said earlier, I felt as though I was dying when I got home. I was truly drowning in my depression, and it took a lot to find my way back up to the surface. Over the months following me getting home, I felt like I was coming back to life, and the world seemed brighter than it had in a long time.
21. Independently Happy (Blue October) – I cannot describe my feelings when I listened to this song for the first time and realized that I was truly independently happy. I didn’t need a guy, I didn’t need my depression, I didn’t need anything but the atonement in my life, and I was, for the first time I could remember, truly happy. It was likely the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.
22. One Step at a Time (Jordin Sparks) – I’m not done with my life, I’ve got a long way to go before this depression is fully conquered and I feel like I have complete control over my life. However, in the meantime, I am taking one step at a time, and letting my feet go where they will.
2. Wind Beneath My Wings (Bette Midler) – This song I have always attributed to my mom. I’ve always felt I could sing this about her with almost complete accuracy. She has helped me through my life and has been there for me when no one else was.
3. My Turn to Fly (The Urge) – This was not only one of my favorite songs through Junior High, but it also marks a time when I was beginning to get out there and gain some independence.
4. Eye of the Tiger (Survivor) – This song is for Orem High School. End of story. I’ll always consider myself a Tiger.
5. Where Were You? (Alan Jackson) – This song is for September 11, 2001. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard that horrible news. I always will.
6. The Angry American (Toby Keith) – This is me applauding, to a point, the action our president took after 9/11. The country pulled together as never before. I only wish it had lasted.
7. So Complicated (Shedaisy) – This song was sung in my heart every time I saw a certain guy all through High School. He was my first love, and I’ll always have a place in my heart to remember how much he helped me through those years.
8. Graduation Song (Vitamin C) – When I graduated, I stayed fairly close to most of my friends, but some of them I haven’t seen since that day. I still remember them, and I hope that they remember me.
9. Breakaway (Kelly Clarkson) – In the year right after High School, when I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, I got very tired of being in Orem and wanted to go anywhere but. I wanted to breakaway and form my own life, but I wasn’t sure how to, and I was scared.
10. Danger Zone (Top Gun) – This was my hot song my first year in College. Marissa Hales, one of my roommates, gave each of us hot songs to remind us that we are always hot.
11. Separate Ways (Journey) – That same roommate, Mar, loved this song and enjoyed dedicating it to each of us in turn, including herself about half the time. Someday love would find us.
12. The Spirit Carries On (Dream Theater) – This song got me through my great-grandmother’s death.
13. Suddenly (Superchick) – This was my theme song for a while there. In the few months before my mission, I wasn’t enjoying my job, and I hated being at home. I feared a part of why I turned my papers in then was not just because Heavenly Father had told me to, but also to escape the life I felt trapped in. I felt as though I was simply existing, not living, and I hoped a mission would help me there.
14. Running Away (Midnight Hour) – Because of how I was feeling about my mission, I almost felt I was using it to run away. I heard this song and it described how I felt about it.
15. Angel of Darkness (Alex C) – When I left on my mission I was determined to help fight Satan, the Angel of Darkness. This song, in a way, will always be my theme song, since I will fight until the end.
16. Leave Out All the Rest (Linkin Park) – When I left my mission I was depressed and definitely not living up to my full potential. It took all of my strength just to make it through the day, and I felt as though I was dying.
17. Don’t Give Up (Judge Jules) – Although I was depressed when I came home, there was a flicker of hope, due to my absolute testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I realized that I needed to be true to myself and Heavenly Father, and no one else really mattered.
18. Breaking the Habit (Linkin Park) – I believe that everyone has something they are addicted to. For most people it’s not very obvious. Me? I was addicted to sorrow and depression. As I started therapy, I had to break that addiction.
19. Papercut (Linkin Park) – While the depression was at it’s worst, I felt as though there were several me’s inside my head, each trying to gain power over the others and laughing when they succeeded. I wasn’t sure which of them I truly was. It wasn’t until I embraced them all that I found some control over them.
20. Bring Me Back to Life (Evanescence) – As I said earlier, I felt as though I was dying when I got home. I was truly drowning in my depression, and it took a lot to find my way back up to the surface. Over the months following me getting home, I felt like I was coming back to life, and the world seemed brighter than it had in a long time.
21. Independently Happy (Blue October) – I cannot describe my feelings when I listened to this song for the first time and realized that I was truly independently happy. I didn’t need a guy, I didn’t need my depression, I didn’t need anything but the atonement in my life, and I was, for the first time I could remember, truly happy. It was likely the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.
22. One Step at a Time (Jordin Sparks) – I’m not done with my life, I’ve got a long way to go before this depression is fully conquered and I feel like I have complete control over my life. However, in the meantime, I am taking one step at a time, and letting my feet go where they will.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Good News!
First off. I'm 23! Weird. My birthday was on Saturday, and while it was intensely boring, it was also really nice. With the money my grandparents gave me, I bought myself the book Inkheart, which is proving to be a very good read. I'm enjoying it a lot. I also got incredibly comfy shoes from my little sister, and nativity set from my parents (yes, that does make sense, because I collect them), and the first season of Samantha Who? from my friend, Heather. I haven't begun watching it yet, because I was finishing up Farscape, but I'm done with Farscape now, and I can move onto a new series. Looks like that will be Samantha Who? - I'll let you know what I think.
On Sunday, I got a bill from Etsy saying I actually owed them money. Which was weird to me, since they didn't want me to pay them until I owed them over $1, and I'd stayed at $.80 for a few months. Well, come to find out, I had sold two of my wands in the last month. One to Norway, and one to Spain. So I got the money for them, and sent them off yesterday. It was kind of exciting to realize that my wands were on their way to Europe.
Yesterday I got a call from Princess Tours, telling me that orientation begins this Saturday. YAY! I'm actually going to be learning something! Between now and then, however, I'm supposed to get a drug test, my CDL permit, and a physical (although they told me I could wait a little bit on the physical, since they told me so late). So now I need to study my little heart out so that I'll be smart enough to take the permit test. That also sounds like a lot of fun. My life has been so boring lately that anything is welcome.
The only bad news I've gotten the last little bit is that in order to fix my windshield wipers, they have to get an entirely new part, which will cost about $200. I don't really have $200. So this could be interesting. But hopefully that's all they'll need to do, so that should be good.
On Sunday, I got a bill from Etsy saying I actually owed them money. Which was weird to me, since they didn't want me to pay them until I owed them over $1, and I'd stayed at $.80 for a few months. Well, come to find out, I had sold two of my wands in the last month. One to Norway, and one to Spain. So I got the money for them, and sent them off yesterday. It was kind of exciting to realize that my wands were on their way to Europe.
Yesterday I got a call from Princess Tours, telling me that orientation begins this Saturday. YAY! I'm actually going to be learning something! Between now and then, however, I'm supposed to get a drug test, my CDL permit, and a physical (although they told me I could wait a little bit on the physical, since they told me so late). So now I need to study my little heart out so that I'll be smart enough to take the permit test. That also sounds like a lot of fun. My life has been so boring lately that anything is welcome.
The only bad news I've gotten the last little bit is that in order to fix my windshield wipers, they have to get an entirely new part, which will cost about $200. I don't really have $200. So this could be interesting. But hopefully that's all they'll need to do, so that should be good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
