With the end of the year quickly approaching, I've been thinking about the many new experiences I've had this year.
I went to Mesa, Arizona. I saw the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. I went to Alaska and lived there for two months. I saw Mount Denali - the tallest above sea level mountain in the world (counting from base to top, not from sea level to top). I kissed three guys. I finally finished "Portals", which I've been working on since seventh grade. I had a boyfriend (kind of). I lost not only one, but three of the four jobs I had this year.
Summing my year up like that makes it seem a lot less than it was. Weird.
I also learned a lot about myself through these experiences. I grew so much this year. I'm a completely different person than I was a year ago. It's rather amazing.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
The Point of Compliments
Why is it so hard to give each other real compliments? Why are we so scared to tell someone that we like something about them? Do you think they'll get mad at you for saying something nice to them? Are we scared of embarrassing them? Are we scared that - gasp! Heaven forbid! - they might think we LIKE them? Why do we as mortals worry so much about the outside appearance and not as much about the part beneath the surface?
I admit, I'm guilty of this as well. I know that I don't thank Tierra enough for listening to my endless rants, for giving me advice, and just all around being an incredibly awesome person. I don't thank my mom enough for, well, anything. She's my mother and she amazing, but I hardly ever actually acknowledge that to her. The same thing goes for my Dad.
Why are we always so scared to say thank you? To say I love you? Why are we scared to say hi to that random person on the street with a slightly sad look on their face? Why are we so scared to compliment?
When I was younger, I would brag about how amazing I was. I would repeat my self-compliment until someone either acknowledged it as well, or told me to shut up. I wanted to be complimented so badly that I had to do it myself. To add to the stupidity of the situation, whenever I was complimented, I would, as was common, inform them how wrong they were and argue with them that whatever they just complimented me about wasn't true. I also, because of pride, couldn't compliment anyone else. I could only compliment someone else if I thought they would then compliment me. I would then be very hurt if that compliment didn't come.
I have since learned that in order to truly feel good about yourself, you have to accept yourself, instead of waiting for others to accept you. You need self-validation, others validating you doesn't ever work.
Interestingly, I've actually gotten a fairly high amount of compliments lately. People have complimented me on how skinny I look, called me sexy, told me my ears were cute. My hair, my eyes, my pants, my shirt. Thank you. I know you mean well, and I thank you for taking the time to give me a compliment. It is sometimes not easy to do so for most people.
However, I wish someone would compliment me on something that actually had to do with me. I'm glad you think my hair is cute. But it's just hair. I'm glad you noticed that I lost weight. But I don't even know how I did it and it's half annoying me. I'm glad you like my shirt. My mom gave it to me, she has good taste. I'm glad you like my pants. They're the only ones that fit me since I lost that weight. And it honestly just weirds me out that anyone would think of me as sexy.
None of those things are me. They are all just outward things. Those are the kind of compliments that I smile and nod and thank people for, but forget about ten minutes later. You know what compliments mean the most? The ones that are actually about me. My dad bragging about the fact that I designed and made a dress myself. My uncle telling me that I did a good job on my wands. My sister-in-law telling me I have a gift with her son, the ability to calm him down and get him to sleep easily. My friend thanking me for listening to her when she needs to rant, telling me I'm a good listener.
Those are the things that are me. Sometimes I wonder why most of my friends like me. Obviously they do because otherwise they wouldn't hang out with me. Sometimes I wonder what I can being into this world besides a cute butt and a skinny waist. That sounds terrible, I know, but I honestly don't care what I look like. I care if I'm healthy and I appreciate the few friends that have been helping me get more so. Rachelle and Tierra for helping me get past the point where I couldn't eat without getting nauseous.
The point of this was that I wanted to rant and at first was going to ask why people like me. I was going to ask for non-physical compliments. And now, after this rant about self-validation, I feel slightly stupid doing that. But, I still want to ask. Not necessarily digging for compliments, just wanting to know what you all think I'm good at. I was reading a book that tells you to write your strengths. While I do want to be able to validate myself, I'm honestly feeling very useless and weak right now. What strengths do I have?
I admit, I'm guilty of this as well. I know that I don't thank Tierra enough for listening to my endless rants, for giving me advice, and just all around being an incredibly awesome person. I don't thank my mom enough for, well, anything. She's my mother and she amazing, but I hardly ever actually acknowledge that to her. The same thing goes for my Dad.
Why are we always so scared to say thank you? To say I love you? Why are we scared to say hi to that random person on the street with a slightly sad look on their face? Why are we so scared to compliment?
When I was younger, I would brag about how amazing I was. I would repeat my self-compliment until someone either acknowledged it as well, or told me to shut up. I wanted to be complimented so badly that I had to do it myself. To add to the stupidity of the situation, whenever I was complimented, I would, as was common, inform them how wrong they were and argue with them that whatever they just complimented me about wasn't true. I also, because of pride, couldn't compliment anyone else. I could only compliment someone else if I thought they would then compliment me. I would then be very hurt if that compliment didn't come.
I have since learned that in order to truly feel good about yourself, you have to accept yourself, instead of waiting for others to accept you. You need self-validation, others validating you doesn't ever work.
Interestingly, I've actually gotten a fairly high amount of compliments lately. People have complimented me on how skinny I look, called me sexy, told me my ears were cute. My hair, my eyes, my pants, my shirt. Thank you. I know you mean well, and I thank you for taking the time to give me a compliment. It is sometimes not easy to do so for most people.
However, I wish someone would compliment me on something that actually had to do with me. I'm glad you think my hair is cute. But it's just hair. I'm glad you noticed that I lost weight. But I don't even know how I did it and it's half annoying me. I'm glad you like my shirt. My mom gave it to me, she has good taste. I'm glad you like my pants. They're the only ones that fit me since I lost that weight. And it honestly just weirds me out that anyone would think of me as sexy.
None of those things are me. They are all just outward things. Those are the kind of compliments that I smile and nod and thank people for, but forget about ten minutes later. You know what compliments mean the most? The ones that are actually about me. My dad bragging about the fact that I designed and made a dress myself. My uncle telling me that I did a good job on my wands. My sister-in-law telling me I have a gift with her son, the ability to calm him down and get him to sleep easily. My friend thanking me for listening to her when she needs to rant, telling me I'm a good listener.
Those are the things that are me. Sometimes I wonder why most of my friends like me. Obviously they do because otherwise they wouldn't hang out with me. Sometimes I wonder what I can being into this world besides a cute butt and a skinny waist. That sounds terrible, I know, but I honestly don't care what I look like. I care if I'm healthy and I appreciate the few friends that have been helping me get more so. Rachelle and Tierra for helping me get past the point where I couldn't eat without getting nauseous.
The point of this was that I wanted to rant and at first was going to ask why people like me. I was going to ask for non-physical compliments. And now, after this rant about self-validation, I feel slightly stupid doing that. But, I still want to ask. Not necessarily digging for compliments, just wanting to know what you all think I'm good at. I was reading a book that tells you to write your strengths. While I do want to be able to validate myself, I'm honestly feeling very useless and weak right now. What strengths do I have?
Thursday, December 24, 2009
The Point of Revenge
I would like to apologize for my last entry. It was written when I was both upset and extremely hurt. That is, perhaps, the worst time to write anything because you are the most likely to hurt someone. It is, however, when I most feel like writing. Generally once I get my feelings out on paper, they leave me. Usually I use my journal, and this is probably a time I should have done so instead of putting my hurt and angry thoughts out there for the world to see. The truth is, the second I had all of that entry written down, I forgave him. I no longer think he hurt me intentionally. And I no longer feel any bad feelings toward him.
You see, while some of my friends may not understand this, and others will perhaps even get upset at me for writing it, despite the way that this young man used me, I will always love him. It will likely have to go back to the way it was before my mission, him being my "younger brother who's taller than me", and me being his older sister. While I believe I will always wish it was more, I would rather have him in my life in that capacity than not at all. And I am sorry for what I said. I said that I wasn't mad at him and didn't hate him, but the truth of the matter is, when I wrote that entry, I did. I was mad at him. He had hurt me and in my pain I wanted to hurt him back. But as my dad often says "And eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth and suddenly the whole world is blind and toothless". What's the point in revenge? Does it make the person seeking it feel better? Of course not. It only hurts them more. It does usually accomplish the goal it was intended for, making the other person hurt, but it doesn't make anyone feel any better. It only burns bridges. I would truly like to rebuild this bridge the way it was. But I can only build half of it. Now I have to find out if my brother will build the other part. I'm truly sorry.
You see, while some of my friends may not understand this, and others will perhaps even get upset at me for writing it, despite the way that this young man used me, I will always love him. It will likely have to go back to the way it was before my mission, him being my "younger brother who's taller than me", and me being his older sister. While I believe I will always wish it was more, I would rather have him in my life in that capacity than not at all. And I am sorry for what I said. I said that I wasn't mad at him and didn't hate him, but the truth of the matter is, when I wrote that entry, I did. I was mad at him. He had hurt me and in my pain I wanted to hurt him back. But as my dad often says "And eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth and suddenly the whole world is blind and toothless". What's the point in revenge? Does it make the person seeking it feel better? Of course not. It only hurts them more. It does usually accomplish the goal it was intended for, making the other person hurt, but it doesn't make anyone feel any better. It only burns bridges. I would truly like to rebuild this bridge the way it was. But I can only build half of it. Now I have to find out if my brother will build the other part. I'm truly sorry.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Voluntary Blindness
When my best friend was engaged for the first time, I HATED her fiance. I hated how he had taken advantage of her, I hated how he treated her, and I hated how she took it. As far as I know, there was never physical abuse, but the emotional abuse ran rampant. Had the bruises he inflicted on her mentally and emotionally showed on the outside, he'd have been in jail a long time ago. She gave him everything. She changed for him, she became exactly who he said she should be. For awhile there, I lost my best friend to a complete stranger with a lack of light in the eyes that had once shone brightly. Because of this, I knew that their marriage would not last, although I hoped that he would change and become the man she deserved. He didn't and their marriage did, indeed, fall apart. She's now with a man that is amazing and treats her like the queen she is. But at the time, it killed me to see her treated that way, and I vowed I would never let something like that happen to me.
My friends, I broke that vow.
You see, I now have some understanding for what she went through and why she allowed herself to be treated in such a horrible manner. For I just freed myself from a relationship very similar.
The worst part was, I knew what was happening. Deep down, I knew what he was doing to me, and I knew that I was allowing it. But I've had strong feelings for this guy for a while, and I rationalized his actions by telling myself that he was young, he didn't know how to show his feelings, but I was sure they were there. He wouldn't treat me that way, I'd seen a different side of him than all my friends had. Who were they to tell me he was a jerk? Did they know him like I did? Of course not. So I put blinders on so I wouldn't see the abuse and I continued on my way toward eventual destruction.
But now comes the happy part of my sad tale. Because "God is not dead, nor doth he sleep". This young man I have been describing leaves on a mission in less than two weeks. Had I not removed the blinders and finally confronted him and accepted the truth before he left, the effect of his abuse could have been irreversible, because I would have spent the next two years waiting for him to return, naively believing that when he got home, he would tell me how much he loved me and we would be happy. I would say that I was moving on with my life, but I would know that deep down, my life was still revolving around his. But Heavenly Father loves me, and knows me, this guy, and the situation better than I ever could with my limited, human perspective, and knew that I needed to be yelled at. The Spirit had been whispering the questions I needed answered to me for quite sometime, trying to get me to listen. So many times you hear at church that if you don't listen to the Spirit, eventually He will give up and leave you alone. My friends, PLEASE never believe this. The Spirit, and the One who's commands He follows will never give up on you. He will allow you to make your own decisions, but He will ALWAYS be there for you, whether you've ignored Him once, or hundreds of times, when you need Him, He'll be there. And so He was for me. After leaving this young man's house, with so many questions bouncing around in my head, I wanted someone to bounce them off. So I called the friend I would normally talk to. She didn't answer her phone. I tried her husband's phone. Once again, no answer. I tried another friend, she was in Salt Lake. Another friend was with his girlfriend and another two were both with family and couldn't leave. So, I decided, why not just go straight to the source? I had questions, he had answers. Only he could tell me what he was thinking and what he was feeling anyway. And so, I asked my questions. Though there had been millions swimming around in my head, the answers I sought were come by with only three simple questions. And I knew. I knew I had allowed myself to be blinded. I knew that he honestly had no feelings for me, and no regard for mine for him. And I knew that I had to get away once and for all, and never go back. And so I did.
The pain I now feel isn't due to the fact that he has no feelings for me. Feelings are feelings and you cannot order them around. You cannot force yourself to love someone anymore than you can force yourself to breathe underwater. No matter how much you will it to be, it won't be. It can't be. I have no problem with that.
What hurts is knowing that deep down, he really is an amazing guy. But he has buried that person so deeply that not even he can find him anymore. And he is now a person who can knowingly hurt someone else. Someone who can disregard the feelings for another because it will give him the selfish satisfaction he craves.
I do not hate him. I'm not even mad at him. I truly and honestly feel sorry for him. I hope he can grow up, learn to accept that he is allowed to love himself, and learn how to love others. As one of my missionary companions told me, "You can only love others as much as you love yourself." If he can knowingly hurt me that way, what in the world is he doing to himself?
My friends, I broke that vow.
You see, I now have some understanding for what she went through and why she allowed herself to be treated in such a horrible manner. For I just freed myself from a relationship very similar.
The worst part was, I knew what was happening. Deep down, I knew what he was doing to me, and I knew that I was allowing it. But I've had strong feelings for this guy for a while, and I rationalized his actions by telling myself that he was young, he didn't know how to show his feelings, but I was sure they were there. He wouldn't treat me that way, I'd seen a different side of him than all my friends had. Who were they to tell me he was a jerk? Did they know him like I did? Of course not. So I put blinders on so I wouldn't see the abuse and I continued on my way toward eventual destruction.
But now comes the happy part of my sad tale. Because "God is not dead, nor doth he sleep". This young man I have been describing leaves on a mission in less than two weeks. Had I not removed the blinders and finally confronted him and accepted the truth before he left, the effect of his abuse could have been irreversible, because I would have spent the next two years waiting for him to return, naively believing that when he got home, he would tell me how much he loved me and we would be happy. I would say that I was moving on with my life, but I would know that deep down, my life was still revolving around his. But Heavenly Father loves me, and knows me, this guy, and the situation better than I ever could with my limited, human perspective, and knew that I needed to be yelled at. The Spirit had been whispering the questions I needed answered to me for quite sometime, trying to get me to listen. So many times you hear at church that if you don't listen to the Spirit, eventually He will give up and leave you alone. My friends, PLEASE never believe this. The Spirit, and the One who's commands He follows will never give up on you. He will allow you to make your own decisions, but He will ALWAYS be there for you, whether you've ignored Him once, or hundreds of times, when you need Him, He'll be there. And so He was for me. After leaving this young man's house, with so many questions bouncing around in my head, I wanted someone to bounce them off. So I called the friend I would normally talk to. She didn't answer her phone. I tried her husband's phone. Once again, no answer. I tried another friend, she was in Salt Lake. Another friend was with his girlfriend and another two were both with family and couldn't leave. So, I decided, why not just go straight to the source? I had questions, he had answers. Only he could tell me what he was thinking and what he was feeling anyway. And so, I asked my questions. Though there had been millions swimming around in my head, the answers I sought were come by with only three simple questions. And I knew. I knew I had allowed myself to be blinded. I knew that he honestly had no feelings for me, and no regard for mine for him. And I knew that I had to get away once and for all, and never go back. And so I did.
The pain I now feel isn't due to the fact that he has no feelings for me. Feelings are feelings and you cannot order them around. You cannot force yourself to love someone anymore than you can force yourself to breathe underwater. No matter how much you will it to be, it won't be. It can't be. I have no problem with that.
What hurts is knowing that deep down, he really is an amazing guy. But he has buried that person so deeply that not even he can find him anymore. And he is now a person who can knowingly hurt someone else. Someone who can disregard the feelings for another because it will give him the selfish satisfaction he craves.
I do not hate him. I'm not even mad at him. I truly and honestly feel sorry for him. I hope he can grow up, learn to accept that he is allowed to love himself, and learn how to love others. As one of my missionary companions told me, "You can only love others as much as you love yourself." If he can knowingly hurt me that way, what in the world is he doing to himself?
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