I once knew a man who claimed to have a great gift of discernment. I will admit, his claim was accurate about 9 out of ten times. But often, because his gift was so great, his pride got in the way and didn't allow him to see the wisdom of others who had been given that gift specifically to help him.
I remember the last time I saw him, a friend of mine informed him that unless he got rid of the pride that seemed at the time to be threatening to overwhelm him, he would loose that gift. I don't know where he's at now, or how he's doing, but last night I was reminded of a conversation that we had once. This conversation ended with me in tears.
This was a while ago, back when I was still living in the sheltered Utah mindset I have tried to cast away. Before my mission, I had never truly been outside of Utah. Sure, I'd been to Yellowstone, Colorado, and Las Vegas, but I was always with a group from home, and never got out of the culture of Utah. The culture that, no matter how much parents try, it's slightly impossible to keep their children from being sheltered. And my parents didn't try.
I had the notion that I understood the world. That no matter what experiences I had, all things would still eventually lead back to the conclusions I already had. I felt I was less sheltered than most because of the experiences that I went through in my Senior year of high school. And I will give myself one thing, I had learned a lot from those, but not nearly so much as I thought I did.
I'm not sure how the conversation began that day, but somewhere into it, this man decided he needed to figure out what I was made of. He denied the ideals I had so carefully come up with and stuck to all my life, saying that too many times the logic I was showing wasn't enough. He informed me that I couldn't just go in and say everything was alright, because of this, this, and this. I didn't understand people's pain and therefore was in no position to judge them. In order to fully understand them, I had to be willing to take their pain and make it my own.
This was a while ago, back when I was still living in the sheltered Utah mindset I have tried to cast away. Before my mission, I had never truly been outside of Utah. Sure, I'd been to Yellowstone, Colorado, and Las Vegas, but I was always with a group from home, and never got out of the culture of Utah. The culture that, no matter how much parents try, it's slightly impossible to keep their children from being sheltered. And my parents didn't try.
I had the notion that I understood the world. That no matter what experiences I had, all things would still eventually lead back to the conclusions I already had. I felt I was less sheltered than most because of the experiences that I went through in my Senior year of high school. And I will give myself one thing, I had learned a lot from those, but not nearly so much as I thought I did.
I'm not sure how the conversation began that day, but somewhere into it, this man decided he needed to figure out what I was made of. He denied the ideals I had so carefully come up with and stuck to all my life, saying that too many times the logic I was showing wasn't enough. He informed me that I couldn't just go in and say everything was alright, because of this, this, and this. I didn't understand people's pain and therefore was in no position to judge them. In order to fully understand them, I had to be willing to take their pain and make it my own.
As an ideal, this theory actually seems very sound. Everyone wants to feel understood. However, due to that experience in high school, I knew that I was unable to do this. I had tried to feel someone else's pain once and it nearly destroyed me.
And so, with a passion that I barely knew I was capable of, and that I believe surprised this man, I stated that I would not do that. I could not do that. It was not my job to feel someone pain and I therefore would not put myself through that again. I didn't explain to him the situation that led me to that conclusion, just as I will not in this blog, but I said what I needed to say with such feeling that he accepted it.
I, however, cannot.
Looking back, I realize now that due to the pain and heartache I went through during my senior year, all the stress I laid upon myself and how thoroughly I had to push everything surrounding it away, just to survive until the next day, I pushed everything away. Including the capability to love. I had been hurt that badly because of love, because I had loved someone so much that I couldn't bear to see that someone hurting and therefore tried to take the pain that they needed to feel, and instead feel it myself. I had attempted to become that person's Savior, and that wasn't my job.
So how do you explain to someone that you're not actually getting mad when you're having a heated discussion with them, but rather the topics you're discussing are so near and dear to your heart that you cannot stand how they seem to just be throwing out their opinion without thinking? That it is because of all of the experiences of your life that you have come up with the conclusions that you have? That, although they seem to think you're mad at them, the reality is, you're so hurt by their ignorant claims, you cannot just sit by and allow them continue. Deep down, you realize they perhaps aren't as ignorant as they seem, that there is likely a very good explanation as to why they feel that way, how they came by their own conclusions. But you've seen much of their life, and it reminds you of the time before your mission, when you had all of those misguided ideals. You want to tell them that they are so far into the box that is the Utah mindset, that they actually think they are out of it.
Besides, you're not living deep down. Because although your senior year of high school was over five years ago, and you have since accepted quite a bit of what caused you that pain, it's memory is still there, and still a little raw. Not because of how much it hurt, that you've gotten over, but because of the simple fact that you did it to yourself, and then tried to deal with it yourself. And you did that because of your stupid ideals. The ones that tell you that you don't actually need anyone else. You can deal with anything on your own. That no one would understand you anyway. You didn't realize how much Satan was grinning when he made you think that, and convinced you to keep your pain to yourself.
If there is one thing that I have learned from my various experiences, it's that you cannot do anything by yourself. And if you try, you really will end up destroying yourself. I only began to get better when I realized that I couldn't do it by myself. And I accepted help.
The other thing I learned about myself is that I am a very passionate person. I'm a very all-or-nothing kind of girl. And so, if I feel a fear that I'm going to hurt someone, or if I'm going to get too close and end up going through what I went through before, I will back off. I love so thoroughly and completely that I hurt myself, or I back off so thoroughly and completely that I risk hurting the other person. Because I cannot go through that kind of pain again. I don't know that I would survive it.
So, in the event that you and I ever get into an argument about life or ideals, kindly remember these things, and try to understand. I will do my best to understand your side as well. But the thoughts expressed in this post are held so close to my heart that it is sometimes difficult to take the blinders off and see other's thoughts as well. But I try. I will never allow myself to create opinions in ignorance again. Because I cannot go back to who I was before my mission.
I, however, cannot.
Looking back, I realize now that due to the pain and heartache I went through during my senior year, all the stress I laid upon myself and how thoroughly I had to push everything surrounding it away, just to survive until the next day, I pushed everything away. Including the capability to love. I had been hurt that badly because of love, because I had loved someone so much that I couldn't bear to see that someone hurting and therefore tried to take the pain that they needed to feel, and instead feel it myself. I had attempted to become that person's Savior, and that wasn't my job.
So how do you explain to someone that you're not actually getting mad when you're having a heated discussion with them, but rather the topics you're discussing are so near and dear to your heart that you cannot stand how they seem to just be throwing out their opinion without thinking? That it is because of all of the experiences of your life that you have come up with the conclusions that you have? That, although they seem to think you're mad at them, the reality is, you're so hurt by their ignorant claims, you cannot just sit by and allow them continue. Deep down, you realize they perhaps aren't as ignorant as they seem, that there is likely a very good explanation as to why they feel that way, how they came by their own conclusions. But you've seen much of their life, and it reminds you of the time before your mission, when you had all of those misguided ideals. You want to tell them that they are so far into the box that is the Utah mindset, that they actually think they are out of it.
Besides, you're not living deep down. Because although your senior year of high school was over five years ago, and you have since accepted quite a bit of what caused you that pain, it's memory is still there, and still a little raw. Not because of how much it hurt, that you've gotten over, but because of the simple fact that you did it to yourself, and then tried to deal with it yourself. And you did that because of your stupid ideals. The ones that tell you that you don't actually need anyone else. You can deal with anything on your own. That no one would understand you anyway. You didn't realize how much Satan was grinning when he made you think that, and convinced you to keep your pain to yourself.
If there is one thing that I have learned from my various experiences, it's that you cannot do anything by yourself. And if you try, you really will end up destroying yourself. I only began to get better when I realized that I couldn't do it by myself. And I accepted help.
The other thing I learned about myself is that I am a very passionate person. I'm a very all-or-nothing kind of girl. And so, if I feel a fear that I'm going to hurt someone, or if I'm going to get too close and end up going through what I went through before, I will back off. I love so thoroughly and completely that I hurt myself, or I back off so thoroughly and completely that I risk hurting the other person. Because I cannot go through that kind of pain again. I don't know that I would survive it.
So, in the event that you and I ever get into an argument about life or ideals, kindly remember these things, and try to understand. I will do my best to understand your side as well. But the thoughts expressed in this post are held so close to my heart that it is sometimes difficult to take the blinders off and see other's thoughts as well. But I try. I will never allow myself to create opinions in ignorance again. Because I cannot go back to who I was before my mission.
