Officially Weird!

Yep, that's right!  I am officially weird.
I came across this knowledge a few weeks ago when I was called into the Provo police department to answer some questions about a robbery.  No, it was not me that was robbed; I was called in to see if I had done it!  Those of you who know me are likely laughing right now.  The thought of me robbing someone is pretty hilarious.
BUT!  The point is that I was hooked up to a computer that would measure my voice patterns and it would tell the detective whether I was lying or not.  He started out informing me that this was a fool-proof system and was always accurate.  I didn't know it at the time, but I was about to prove him wrong.
It started out fairly normal.  He informed me of all the questions that he would ask me and made sure I knew the answers.  This would get rid of any nerves I might have, he informed me.  Of course, right then, I wasn't nervous.  I was quite excited.  This would be such a cool experience.
And then, he hooked me up.  First he told me to say yes.  Then he told me to say no.  Then he told me to say no again.  And yes again, and no again.  It went on for a little bit like that.  Apparently the computer was telling him that I was lying.  I'm not sure how I was doing that considering I wasn't actually answering a question yet.
Finally he started in on the questions.  He told me he would ask me nine questions; two of them would be pertinent,  and two I was to lie on.
So, first question.  "Is your name Julie Ann?"  Yes.  The machine said I was telling the truth.  Oh good.  I would be concerned if I didn't know my own name.
Second question. "Is this table brown?" (It was; this was a question I was to lie on) No.  The machine said I was telling the truth.  Mostly.
Third question. "Are we in Provo?" (we were) Yes.  The machine said I was lying.  Mostly.
Fourth question. "Did you take the jewelry?" (he expounded and said exact names, but I won't on here.) No.  The machine said I was lying.  Mostly.
Fifth question. "Is it Monday?" (it was) Yes.  The machine said I was telling the truth.  Mostly.  The graph looked a lot like the one where I had lied about the table.  This was looking interesting.
Sixth question. "Do I know where the jewelry is?" No.  The machine said I was lying.
Seventh question. "Is it November?" (it was) Yes.  The machine said I was telling the truth. Mostly.
Eighth question. "Have you ever driven over the speed limit?" (those who know me are now laughing really hard, because I was told to lie) No.  The machine said I was definitely lying.  Oh good, it got something right.
Ninth question. "Am I wearing a watch?" (he was) Yes.  the machine said I was telling the truth. Mostly.  Again, it looked a lot like the table question.
So we went through the questions again, hoping to get a clear reading.  It was similar.  And again.  That time it decided I was mostly telling the truth on question six.  By this time, I actually was nervous.  I hadn't done it, but the "always accurate" system was basically saying that I did.  Crap.
The detective finally told me that he'd never seen these kind of results in someone who wasn't trying to hide something, but he didn't think I'd done it.  Due to all other circumstances, e.g. my background and pawn checks, and how open I'd been, he was pretty much convinced that I was innocent.  But he did warn me that they might call me back in.
So, knowing that I AM innocent, and that I WASN'T hiding anything, I now know that my brain doesn't work normally.  Apparently it will allow me to lie without consequences.  What, exactly, does THAT say about my brain?  Too much imagination?  Did I not care enough? (that's my mom's theory - it didn't have enough to do with me)  Who knows?
For the record, since it should be said.  The lady who's jewelry it was has since found it (yeah, it wasn't stolen).
But that is the craziness that is my brain.  Good times.

X-rays

So, around a year ago, I got an x-ray taken of my chest, with the hope that we would be able to figure out what was making it hurt so badly.  When the results came back normal, I was a little annoyed.  I had really been hoping that the x-ray would tell me what was wrong.  Finally, after feeling a bump on my sternum that I didn't think felt normal, I decided to look at the x-rays myself.  Guess what.  NOT NORMAL!

A few years ago (like 7 1/2) I tripped over a wall and landed hard on my chest.  I didn't think anything of it at the time, but perhaps I should have.  Apparently, I broke my sternum.  Now it's healed incorrectly and will probably hurt a little for the rest of my life.  The radiology technician told me that I should stretch my sternum a lot to keep it from hurting randomly.

Of course, I am now a little more than annoyed about the fact that I, who am not trained in radiology AT ALL, found something on my x-ray that the radiologist didn't.  At first I was thinking that maybe they just over looked it and I was just looking for it specifically.  But according to the medical assisting director here at school, they really should have found it.  I'm just shaking my head at them.  At least now I know that claiming pain isn't something anyone can call me crazy for.  Which is kinda how I felt for so long.  Especially after my x-ray "came back normal" from now on, I'm going to insist on looking at all of my x-rays.

Humility

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.

My friends and I were having a conversation this evening, during which I mentioned how amazing I am.  Now while, in a way, I was saying this jokingly as I often do, it did move us to a more serious topic (I think) when one of my friends said "And she's humble too!"  Now, please note, I mean no disrespect to the person who said this in anyway, he's a great guy, but in my opinion this is an overused, and inappropriately used term.  I quickly responded, quite seriously, that I considered myself quite humble.  He then told me that if I was really humble, I wouldn't say that.

Now, perhaps I have a different opinion as to what the term humble means, but I believe that a person who knows they are humble will, when appropriate, admit to being so.  It is a Christlike quality that we are all striving for.  I also believe that Christ, as the most humble person ever, would tell you when asked, quite simply, that yes, He's humble.

Humility is not putting yourself down. In fact, I believe that it's just the opposite.  I don't believe that Heavenly Father is ever happy with us when we put ourselves down.  How would you feel about hearing someone you love more than anything say they're stupid, not good enough, or hopeless?  To me, humility is the ability to see yourself for who you truly are, understand your gifts, and allow yourself to be praised for them; all the while knowing where they came from and giving thanks for them.  I see no problem at all in telling yourself that you are amazing, incredible, or brilliant.  As long as you are not doing so by putting others down.  A truly humble person will not only see the good in themselves, but they will see the good in others, and tell them that they do.  I have taken up the habit of trying to compliment people whenever I think of something.  If I like someone's shirt, I tell them so.  If I think they did awesome in class, I tell them.  Just thinking a compliment does no one any good.

So, any of you who may be offended, or put off by me taking a compliment by saying "thanks, I know, I'm amazing," please understand.  It's not that I am a vain person.  It's simply that I know who I am.  And as God is my creator, I am automatically amazing by default. I only try to live up to that status.

Two years

This is a very weird feeling. Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of coming home from my mission. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. But at the same time, when I think about how much I've done since getting home, it seems like forever. I've been to Alaska and back, sent one of my best friends on his mission, and started school.  I think back to that day and am amazed at how far I've come. The feelings that I had that day - how overwhelmed I was, apprehensiveness, the sinking sense of failure. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was supposed to come home that day, but that didn't change the fact that I felt like I had failed at my mission. I had so much ahead of me that I had to do, that I had to figure out. I didn't know where to start, or who I would be when I finished. Or even IF I would finish.
Well, maybe I'm not finished, simply because I think that's nigh unto impossible, but to think of how far I've come from that depressed, lonely woman on that airplane two years ago, I am simply astounded. I know and have completely accepted who I am. I'm not depressed most of the time, and even when I am, I know how to counteract it. I am finally happy with who I am and nothing is proving that to me more than my Stratigies for Success class. Right now we're talking about negative thoughts and feelings that could hinder our school work, career goals, etc. When I think of what negative thoughts about myself I might have, I honestly can't think of any. There is nothing anymore that can hold me back. I won't ever allow it again. I've been down the road of depression and rejection and pointlessness, and I won't do it again. I refuse to even step foot down that path again and that show me just how far I've come and how well I now know myself. I don't listen to negativity, I don't pay attention to what others think. Everything about me is between me and my Father in Heaven. No one else's opinion really matters. I will listen to advice, and I will take most under consideration, but in the end, I will do what I feel is right. I was never like that before. I have found my freedom and it feels great! The last two years have been so good to me. And now looking back, I realize how much I was not a failure on my mission. It taught me exactly what I was supposed to learn and I did exactly what I was  supposed to do. I am where I'm supposed to be.

Midterm

Tuesday was midterm and thus far in my classes, I have perfect grades.  I took two tests on Tuesday.  I got 100% on my Terminology test, and I think I did pretty good on my computer Fundamentals test.  It's still so nice to be in school.  It's so great to be busy.  I love it.  Now that I've got a job as well, I'm definitely staying busy enough to avoid depression.  I haven't felt depressed in a little while.  It's been GREAT!  I've been busy with things that will wrinkle my brain, but I've also had time to have a bit of a social life.  I think I love life! (oh wait, take out the think) :D

Starting school!

   So, I had my first day of school today.  I've already finished my first homework assignment and part of three others.  I'm taking Intro to Anatomy, Strategies for Success, Computer Fundamentals, and Medical Terminology.  I have a feeling the first two will be easy A's, as long as I do my homework like I'm supposed to.  The other two I don't know anything about yet, because I haven't had them yet.  But from what I understand, Medical Terminology is just memorizing, memorizing, and a bit more memorizing.  I met a guy who was fairly close to graduating from the Medical Assisting Program today who had taken that class already and told me a little about it.  It's 400 words that I have to learn and most of the time in class will be spent watching various videos.  I'm curious what we'll be learning in Computer Fundamentals, considering the electronically savvy family I come from.  I just hope I learn new things.  I'm sure I will.

   Now I just need to find an afternoon / weekend job and start looking for my externship (that was something else Justin suggested, look for that now).  I'm kinda hoping to do the externship at the Timpanogos Hospital considering I already have ties to that one, but I'll take what I can get.

   I will attempt to keep you updated on my school life.  It looks to be a REALLY fun next couple of months. :D

The Best Friend

What do you do when your best friend is crying?  Comfort her?  Her husband's got that covered.  Beat up the person who made her cry?  Sounds like a good idea.  Except for one thing.  It was her mother.

I understand mothers wanting to teach their children.  I understand them wanting to correct their children when they are doing wrong.  But when is it okay to basically tell your child (who's 24, by the way, and has been married for two years) that's she's not good enough and her husband is lazy?  When is it ever okay for anyone to complain to a wife about her husband?

I can't help but be very grateful for the parents I have.  They are very caring, and want to know about our lives, but they are never intrusive, and they would never complain to any of my siblings about their spouses.  All it does is build a huge rift between the child and the parent, because it doesn't matter what the situation is, a smart wife (and my friend is one), will always pick their husband over anyone.

So what do you do when your best friend is crying?  I don't get upset when people insult, ridicule, or hurt me.  But when you hurt my friend, I don't care who you are, I will very likely hate you for the rest of eternity.  I guess that's just the blue personality in me coming out.  Everything in me wants to write to this mother and tell her just how amazing my friend is, how much she is hurting right now, and just scream at her until she gets the message. But that's not my place.  And so I rant.

But heaven help the person who complains to me about my husband some day.  They might die.  Just a warning now.

Pop Tabs

On Thursday afternoon, Rachelle and I went to the recycling place on Geneva Road, and I purchased 25 pounds of pop tabs.  There are several projects I'm going to attempt to do with them, although it's proving slightly more difficult than I originally anticipated.
But, to the odd point I'm trying to make: We found the most random stuff mixed in with the pop tabs.  Things like pennies and dimes weren't actually that surprising, but we also found four foreign coins (which I promptly added to my collection), a quarter, a little bell, and a ring.
It's an absolutely gorgeous ring, and at first we thought it was real.  I took it to show to my mom, and she informed us that no real gems were pink, so it couldn't be real. (It has 5 pink gems, and ten diamond colored gems.)  So I didn't think anything of it, especially since it fit me perfectly.  So I went on with life.  Until this morning when I found out it's possible to have pink sapphires.  That kinda freaked me out, and then I could rest until I had found out for sure that it was fake.  Fortunately, I was able to go to a jewelers, and ask.  He informed me that it was, in fact, fake; and then gave me a really weird look when I sighed with relief and said good.  I'd been contemplating of how I would be able to find the person this belonged to if it was real and all the options I had weren't very feasible.  But, since it's fake and likely only worth a couple of dollars, I'm not too concerned anymore.  Hallelujah.

Blameless

This is an excerpt from Eternal Choices.  It's also my belief if vampires actually existed.

    “What about God?  Don’t vampires believe they’re all going straight to hell?”
    Nathaniel grinned.  How many times had he imagined having a conversation just like this one?
    “Some do.  Personally, I don’t.  I don’t believe God would hold me guilty for an action I had no control over. Isaac turned me.  I believe he’ll be judged for that, all the others he turned, and all those he killed, including my wife and child.  But I think God will only hold us guilty for what we have done by choice. I have never killed anyone, and I have never turned anyone.  I have tried to live the way I was taught when I was still human.  I feel blameless before God.  I plan to stay that way.”
    Sierra nodded. “I think I like that way of thinking.”

A Great Man

A great man passed away last Tuesday.  I've been wanting to write a blog for him since then, but this is the first time I've been able to actually get on and do it.  Not because I didn't have time, but because I didn't think I'd be able to make it through this before now.  Honestly, I don't know that I'll make it through it now, but I'll try.

The man I'm referring to was a quiet man.  He lived a fairly average life.  But the differences he made in the lives of so many will carry on for generations.  He was an incredibly amazing man, one that fulfilled his mission on earth and is now in heaven.

I did not know him as well as I wish I did.  The stories of his life told at his funeral were all news to me.  But I saw his generosity, and I felt his love.

I remember so many times when I would go over to his house.  Although I was there for his son, he would very often excitedly show me something new on PAF, because he knew how much I loved family history work.  I learned a lot from him.

I also remember a day when I had a flat tire at work.  None of my family was available to help, and I couldn't think of anyone else to call.  So I called him and his wife.  Without hesitating, they came and helped.  I later found out that he was already beginning to fight the cancer that would eventually take his life, and had a doctor's appointment that day.  But, not thinking of himself, he came to help me.

Before he died, I wrote him a letter, thanking him for all that he did for me.  Not only directly, but for raising the amazing children that he did, two of which have helped me in ways I don't think it's even possible to describe.

The world is now a slightly darker place without his shining presence, but his memory lives on and makes all  who knew him want to be a little better.  In truth, I'm slightly jealous of all those he's with now.  He will be missed.

Feelings

    Here’s the question.  Am I completely healthy, or completely crazy?  When the man I love informed me that he couldn’t reciprocate my feelings, I wasn’t made at him.  I understood, and it didn’t upset me.  It hurt a little, but I could move on.  When he told me the only reason he’d kissed me was because it had been awhile since he’d kissed anyone, that’s when I cried.
    Is it weird that I wasn’t upset that he didn’t return the feelings?  I know it’s not weird that I got upset at the semblance of being used.  But is it odd that I completely understood when he told me that he didn’t love me back?
    I’ve thought a little about this.  I, personally, believe that I thought that, and felt that way because I’m very healthy.  Even with depression, I’ve got a healthy outlook on life.  I understand that feelings are feelings and you can’t order them around.  If you try, you’re only going to end up destroying yourself.
    So now I seem to be in this same situation that I put him in.  Another guy likes me, although I doubt as much as I liked Robert (I guess it’s safe to say his name since he already knows and so does everyone else who’s in the loop), and since I still have feeling for Robert, I can’t like this guy as much as I believe he would like. (Wow, I just used the word like a LOT in that sentence!)  He wants me to be over Robert before I move onto him.  Which I, also, completely understand.
    Here’s the problem with that.  Once again, we’re discussing feelings.  I can’t order myself to stop loving Robert any more than Robert could order himself to love me.  Feelings are feelings.  They just exist.  So many times you hear people say “I don’t know what I supposed to be feeling here” or some such nonsense.  You’re not supposed to be feeling anything, you just feel something.  Then you need to analyze that feeling and discover what exactly it is.  Sometimes it takes hardly any analyzation, and sometimes, you’re analyzing for years before you realize what it is.  Either way is fine.  And if something is a bad feeling, then find a happy feeling to cover it up.  But never try and force yourself to feel or not feel something.  The heart is a different entity than the brain and it is in control of itself.

Once again, depression

I was off of my depression medication for about a week now, because it took me that long to gather the money together that I needed in order to get it. I can feel the depression pushing into me, like a dog pushing his nose against you, begging for attention.  I try my hardest to ignore it, but it's often impossible.  But I do everything I can.  I try.  But there are days that it simply overwhelms me.  There are days when I just don't think I can do it anymore and want to curl up in a ball and lie on my bed until the pain goes away.  Logically, I know that won't help, which is why I don't do it.  But the pain that encompasses me, stabbing into my heart like a red-hot knife, threatens to be too much for my mind to push way.  The dog is getting bigger, his nose getting harder, and soon, if something doesn't happen, he will tackle me, and I'll retreat into myself to get away.  I don't want to do that.
But what else can I do?  I know the additional medicine would help; life was heavenly for the month I was on it.  But I haven't even called my doctor's office to ask them to send in the prescription to my pharmacy.  Why?  Because I don't have the ten dollars it would take to pay for it.  I need to go to the dentist to get a cavity filled.  But I don't have the fifteen dollar co-pay.  Because for some, stupid reason that no one has decided to let me know, no one wants to hire me.  I have put out so many applications and resumes, I wouldn't be surprised if half of this county has me on file, if they keep a file.  But do they call?  No.  Why?
I'm a very qualified person.  I've got over five years of customer service experience.  I have my CDL.  I've worked in health care capacities.  Over the years I've worked in so many different jobs, that you would think that people would see that I can learn quickly.  But then, they probably look and notice that the longest I've ever held down a job is eight months before I quit because I was needing to do something else, and they disregard me.  I would say that the only thing keeping me sane right now is my volunteer work at the hospital, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I would qualify myself as sane right now.  I'm something else entirely. I'm not fully insane, but I can feel myself pushing that direction.  So, if something doesn't happen soon, and you find me curled up in a ball on my bad and refuse to move. . . you know why.  Get me ice cream or something and leave me be.  Or find me a job.

Monotony

*sigh* I'm so tired of the monotony that is my life.  I started volunteering at the hospital yesterday, which is amazing and will hopefully take a little of the boredom out of me.  But it's only once a week for three hours.  Three more hours for church, and then hopefully I'll spend eight hours a day sleeping, but that still leaves me with one hundred and nine hours that I need to fill.  What do I do with them?  Right now, most of them are spent being bored.  I need a job.  Or at least something to do.  I try to spend time daily on Portals and add more to it, edit it, and make it just all around better, but there's only so long that I can deal with it before having to set it aside because I'm sick of my own book.  That's a little sad, isn't it?
So I fill out applications, I work to get my resume better, I even went to the career workshop at the LDS Employment Center a few weeks ago.  Does any of it help me?  Nope.  I'm still sitting here, unemployed and bored.  I am going to try to use this extra time on my hands to exercise and make the most of it, but that even get boring after a while.  So that's the next step in my plan to get my life in order.  Apply at every place I possibly can so that I can start making money and stop being so bored.  I would really like to get out of Utah again, but there's no way to do so as far as I can see right now.  Which is slightly depressing.

New Blog

I have been thinking for a while that I would like to start a new blog.  I will, of course, keep this one going.  But I will also be writing, and likely more frequently, on that one.  It is a private blog about my life entitled "Life Uncommon".  The name is taken from the name of a song by Jewel.  I'm planning on working on being more observant and then describing the people, places, and things in my life on that blog.  By doing so, I hope to become more adept at description and it will help me in my efforts as a writer.  The reason it is private is because I will also be putting some of my work on it, and I don't want it open to all the world to see.  So, if you would like to read it, ask me, and I will consider inviting you.  I will not invite just anyone, so no offense to any of you, but I may say no.  I don't see that actually happening, but I am going to be careful with this blog as it will hold some things very precious to me.  The link is www.kd7tyylifeuncommon.blogspot.com and all those who would like to read it, simply ask and you (most likely) shall receive.
Thank you.  Love you all. :D

2010 Resolutions

A new year begins. So many people are looking forward, planning what they will do this year to improve their lives. I am, of course, doing the same thing. There are many things I would like to do before this year is over. I would like to get a job. I would like to pay off my debts. I'd like to move out. I would like to get Portals published. I would like to get in shape so I can run up stairs without getting winded . . .
But the true question becomes, how do I get myself to not only remember these goals, but actually follow through with them?
The truth is, I don't know the answer to this question. I will occasionally have bouts of motivation that seem to come out of nowhere, but don't last very long. Obviously, the job one is going to be one that it will be easy to remember. With my debts staring me in the face, that won't be difficult either. Those ones will mostly be trying to figure out how to get them accomplished. I've started a 12 step program on how to get my life into a decent, independent, and happy one. The first two steps are sleep better and eat better. I'm doing well with that second one, but the former is alluding me. I'd like to start going to bed before midnight and getting up before 8 am. The last little while, I've been going to bed around one and the earliest and getting up around 10 or 11. Except last night when I didn't go to bed until 9:30am. Although I did get about a half an hour nap in the car at about 8:30.
So, the plan is to improve my life this year. I'll keep you updated on whole that's going.