A Great Man

A great man passed away last Tuesday.  I've been wanting to write a blog for him since then, but this is the first time I've been able to actually get on and do it.  Not because I didn't have time, but because I didn't think I'd be able to make it through this before now.  Honestly, I don't know that I'll make it through it now, but I'll try.

The man I'm referring to was a quiet man.  He lived a fairly average life.  But the differences he made in the lives of so many will carry on for generations.  He was an incredibly amazing man, one that fulfilled his mission on earth and is now in heaven.

I did not know him as well as I wish I did.  The stories of his life told at his funeral were all news to me.  But I saw his generosity, and I felt his love.

I remember so many times when I would go over to his house.  Although I was there for his son, he would very often excitedly show me something new on PAF, because he knew how much I loved family history work.  I learned a lot from him.

I also remember a day when I had a flat tire at work.  None of my family was available to help, and I couldn't think of anyone else to call.  So I called him and his wife.  Without hesitating, they came and helped.  I later found out that he was already beginning to fight the cancer that would eventually take his life, and had a doctor's appointment that day.  But, not thinking of himself, he came to help me.

Before he died, I wrote him a letter, thanking him for all that he did for me.  Not only directly, but for raising the amazing children that he did, two of which have helped me in ways I don't think it's even possible to describe.

The world is now a slightly darker place without his shining presence, but his memory lives on and makes all  who knew him want to be a little better.  In truth, I'm slightly jealous of all those he's with now.  He will be missed.

Feelings

    Here’s the question.  Am I completely healthy, or completely crazy?  When the man I love informed me that he couldn’t reciprocate my feelings, I wasn’t made at him.  I understood, and it didn’t upset me.  It hurt a little, but I could move on.  When he told me the only reason he’d kissed me was because it had been awhile since he’d kissed anyone, that’s when I cried.
    Is it weird that I wasn’t upset that he didn’t return the feelings?  I know it’s not weird that I got upset at the semblance of being used.  But is it odd that I completely understood when he told me that he didn’t love me back?
    I’ve thought a little about this.  I, personally, believe that I thought that, and felt that way because I’m very healthy.  Even with depression, I’ve got a healthy outlook on life.  I understand that feelings are feelings and you can’t order them around.  If you try, you’re only going to end up destroying yourself.
    So now I seem to be in this same situation that I put him in.  Another guy likes me, although I doubt as much as I liked Robert (I guess it’s safe to say his name since he already knows and so does everyone else who’s in the loop), and since I still have feeling for Robert, I can’t like this guy as much as I believe he would like. (Wow, I just used the word like a LOT in that sentence!)  He wants me to be over Robert before I move onto him.  Which I, also, completely understand.
    Here’s the problem with that.  Once again, we’re discussing feelings.  I can’t order myself to stop loving Robert any more than Robert could order himself to love me.  Feelings are feelings.  They just exist.  So many times you hear people say “I don’t know what I supposed to be feeling here” or some such nonsense.  You’re not supposed to be feeling anything, you just feel something.  Then you need to analyze that feeling and discover what exactly it is.  Sometimes it takes hardly any analyzation, and sometimes, you’re analyzing for years before you realize what it is.  Either way is fine.  And if something is a bad feeling, then find a happy feeling to cover it up.  But never try and force yourself to feel or not feel something.  The heart is a different entity than the brain and it is in control of itself.

Once again, depression

I was off of my depression medication for about a week now, because it took me that long to gather the money together that I needed in order to get it. I can feel the depression pushing into me, like a dog pushing his nose against you, begging for attention.  I try my hardest to ignore it, but it's often impossible.  But I do everything I can.  I try.  But there are days that it simply overwhelms me.  There are days when I just don't think I can do it anymore and want to curl up in a ball and lie on my bed until the pain goes away.  Logically, I know that won't help, which is why I don't do it.  But the pain that encompasses me, stabbing into my heart like a red-hot knife, threatens to be too much for my mind to push way.  The dog is getting bigger, his nose getting harder, and soon, if something doesn't happen, he will tackle me, and I'll retreat into myself to get away.  I don't want to do that.
But what else can I do?  I know the additional medicine would help; life was heavenly for the month I was on it.  But I haven't even called my doctor's office to ask them to send in the prescription to my pharmacy.  Why?  Because I don't have the ten dollars it would take to pay for it.  I need to go to the dentist to get a cavity filled.  But I don't have the fifteen dollar co-pay.  Because for some, stupid reason that no one has decided to let me know, no one wants to hire me.  I have put out so many applications and resumes, I wouldn't be surprised if half of this county has me on file, if they keep a file.  But do they call?  No.  Why?
I'm a very qualified person.  I've got over five years of customer service experience.  I have my CDL.  I've worked in health care capacities.  Over the years I've worked in so many different jobs, that you would think that people would see that I can learn quickly.  But then, they probably look and notice that the longest I've ever held down a job is eight months before I quit because I was needing to do something else, and they disregard me.  I would say that the only thing keeping me sane right now is my volunteer work at the hospital, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I would qualify myself as sane right now.  I'm something else entirely. I'm not fully insane, but I can feel myself pushing that direction.  So, if something doesn't happen soon, and you find me curled up in a ball on my bad and refuse to move. . . you know why.  Get me ice cream or something and leave me be.  Or find me a job.

Monotony

*sigh* I'm so tired of the monotony that is my life.  I started volunteering at the hospital yesterday, which is amazing and will hopefully take a little of the boredom out of me.  But it's only once a week for three hours.  Three more hours for church, and then hopefully I'll spend eight hours a day sleeping, but that still leaves me with one hundred and nine hours that I need to fill.  What do I do with them?  Right now, most of them are spent being bored.  I need a job.  Or at least something to do.  I try to spend time daily on Portals and add more to it, edit it, and make it just all around better, but there's only so long that I can deal with it before having to set it aside because I'm sick of my own book.  That's a little sad, isn't it?
So I fill out applications, I work to get my resume better, I even went to the career workshop at the LDS Employment Center a few weeks ago.  Does any of it help me?  Nope.  I'm still sitting here, unemployed and bored.  I am going to try to use this extra time on my hands to exercise and make the most of it, but that even get boring after a while.  So that's the next step in my plan to get my life in order.  Apply at every place I possibly can so that I can start making money and stop being so bored.  I would really like to get out of Utah again, but there's no way to do so as far as I can see right now.  Which is slightly depressing.

New Blog

I have been thinking for a while that I would like to start a new blog.  I will, of course, keep this one going.  But I will also be writing, and likely more frequently, on that one.  It is a private blog about my life entitled "Life Uncommon".  The name is taken from the name of a song by Jewel.  I'm planning on working on being more observant and then describing the people, places, and things in my life on that blog.  By doing so, I hope to become more adept at description and it will help me in my efforts as a writer.  The reason it is private is because I will also be putting some of my work on it, and I don't want it open to all the world to see.  So, if you would like to read it, ask me, and I will consider inviting you.  I will not invite just anyone, so no offense to any of you, but I may say no.  I don't see that actually happening, but I am going to be careful with this blog as it will hold some things very precious to me.  The link is www.kd7tyylifeuncommon.blogspot.com and all those who would like to read it, simply ask and you (most likely) shall receive.
Thank you.  Love you all. :D

2010 Resolutions

A new year begins. So many people are looking forward, planning what they will do this year to improve their lives. I am, of course, doing the same thing. There are many things I would like to do before this year is over. I would like to get a job. I would like to pay off my debts. I'd like to move out. I would like to get Portals published. I would like to get in shape so I can run up stairs without getting winded . . .
But the true question becomes, how do I get myself to not only remember these goals, but actually follow through with them?
The truth is, I don't know the answer to this question. I will occasionally have bouts of motivation that seem to come out of nowhere, but don't last very long. Obviously, the job one is going to be one that it will be easy to remember. With my debts staring me in the face, that won't be difficult either. Those ones will mostly be trying to figure out how to get them accomplished. I've started a 12 step program on how to get my life into a decent, independent, and happy one. The first two steps are sleep better and eat better. I'm doing well with that second one, but the former is alluding me. I'd like to start going to bed before midnight and getting up before 8 am. The last little while, I've been going to bed around one and the earliest and getting up around 10 or 11. Except last night when I didn't go to bed until 9:30am. Although I did get about a half an hour nap in the car at about 8:30.
So, the plan is to improve my life this year. I'll keep you updated on whole that's going.