When my best friend was engaged for the first time, I HATED her fiance. I hated how he had taken advantage of her, I hated how he treated her, and I hated how she took it. As far as I know, there was never physical abuse, but the emotional abuse ran rampant. Had the bruises he inflicted on her mentally and emotionally showed on the outside, he'd have been in jail a long time ago. She gave him everything. She changed for him, she became exactly who he said she should be. For awhile there, I lost my best friend to a complete stranger with a lack of light in the eyes that had once shone brightly. Because of this, I knew that their marriage would not last, although I hoped that he would change and become the man she deserved. He didn't and their marriage did, indeed, fall apart. She's now with a man that is amazing and treats her like the queen she is. But at the time, it killed me to see her treated that way, and I vowed I would never let something like that happen to me.
My friends, I broke that vow.
You see, I now have some understanding for what she went through and why she allowed herself to be treated in such a horrible manner. For I just freed myself from a relationship very similar.
The worst part was, I knew what was happening. Deep down, I knew what he was doing to me, and I knew that I was allowing it. But I've had strong feelings for this guy for a while, and I rationalized his actions by telling myself that he was young, he didn't know how to show his feelings, but I was sure they were there. He wouldn't treat me that way, I'd seen a different side of him than all my friends had. Who were they to tell me he was a jerk? Did they know him like I did? Of course not. So I put blinders on so I wouldn't see the abuse and I continued on my way toward eventual destruction.
But now comes the happy part of my sad tale. Because "God is not dead, nor doth he sleep". This young man I have been describing leaves on a mission in less than two weeks. Had I not removed the blinders and finally confronted him and accepted the truth before he left, the effect of his abuse could have been irreversible, because I would have spent the next two years waiting for him to return, naively believing that when he got home, he would tell me how much he loved me and we would be happy. I would say that I was moving on with my life, but I would know that deep down, my life was still revolving around his. But Heavenly Father loves me, and knows me, this guy, and the situation better than I ever could with my limited, human perspective, and knew that I needed to be yelled at. The Spirit had been whispering the questions I needed answered to me for quite sometime, trying to get me to listen. So many times you hear at church that if you don't listen to the Spirit, eventually He will give up and leave you alone. My friends, PLEASE never believe this. The Spirit, and the One who's commands He follows will never give up on you. He will allow you to make your own decisions, but He will ALWAYS be there for you, whether you've ignored Him once, or hundreds of times, when you need Him, He'll be there. And so He was for me. After leaving this young man's house, with so many questions bouncing around in my head, I wanted someone to bounce them off. So I called the friend I would normally talk to. She didn't answer her phone. I tried her husband's phone. Once again, no answer. I tried another friend, she was in Salt Lake. Another friend was with his girlfriend and another two were both with family and couldn't leave. So, I decided, why not just go straight to the source? I had questions, he had answers. Only he could tell me what he was thinking and what he was feeling anyway. And so, I asked my questions. Though there had been millions swimming around in my head, the answers I sought were come by with only three simple questions. And I knew. I knew I had allowed myself to be blinded. I knew that he honestly had no feelings for me, and no regard for mine for him. And I knew that I had to get away once and for all, and never go back. And so I did.
The pain I now feel isn't due to the fact that he has no feelings for me. Feelings are feelings and you cannot order them around. You cannot force yourself to love someone anymore than you can force yourself to breathe underwater. No matter how much you will it to be, it won't be. It can't be. I have no problem with that.
What hurts is knowing that deep down, he really is an amazing guy. But he has buried that person so deeply that not even he can find him anymore. And he is now a person who can knowingly hurt someone else. Someone who can disregard the feelings for another because it will give him the selfish satisfaction he craves.
I do not hate him. I'm not even mad at him. I truly and honestly feel sorry for him. I hope he can grow up, learn to accept that he is allowed to love himself, and learn how to love others. As one of my missionary companions told me, "You can only love others as much as you love yourself." If he can knowingly hurt me that way, what in the world is he doing to himself?
My friends, I broke that vow.
You see, I now have some understanding for what she went through and why she allowed herself to be treated in such a horrible manner. For I just freed myself from a relationship very similar.
The worst part was, I knew what was happening. Deep down, I knew what he was doing to me, and I knew that I was allowing it. But I've had strong feelings for this guy for a while, and I rationalized his actions by telling myself that he was young, he didn't know how to show his feelings, but I was sure they were there. He wouldn't treat me that way, I'd seen a different side of him than all my friends had. Who were they to tell me he was a jerk? Did they know him like I did? Of course not. So I put blinders on so I wouldn't see the abuse and I continued on my way toward eventual destruction.
But now comes the happy part of my sad tale. Because "God is not dead, nor doth he sleep". This young man I have been describing leaves on a mission in less than two weeks. Had I not removed the blinders and finally confronted him and accepted the truth before he left, the effect of his abuse could have been irreversible, because I would have spent the next two years waiting for him to return, naively believing that when he got home, he would tell me how much he loved me and we would be happy. I would say that I was moving on with my life, but I would know that deep down, my life was still revolving around his. But Heavenly Father loves me, and knows me, this guy, and the situation better than I ever could with my limited, human perspective, and knew that I needed to be yelled at. The Spirit had been whispering the questions I needed answered to me for quite sometime, trying to get me to listen. So many times you hear at church that if you don't listen to the Spirit, eventually He will give up and leave you alone. My friends, PLEASE never believe this. The Spirit, and the One who's commands He follows will never give up on you. He will allow you to make your own decisions, but He will ALWAYS be there for you, whether you've ignored Him once, or hundreds of times, when you need Him, He'll be there. And so He was for me. After leaving this young man's house, with so many questions bouncing around in my head, I wanted someone to bounce them off. So I called the friend I would normally talk to. She didn't answer her phone. I tried her husband's phone. Once again, no answer. I tried another friend, she was in Salt Lake. Another friend was with his girlfriend and another two were both with family and couldn't leave. So, I decided, why not just go straight to the source? I had questions, he had answers. Only he could tell me what he was thinking and what he was feeling anyway. And so, I asked my questions. Though there had been millions swimming around in my head, the answers I sought were come by with only three simple questions. And I knew. I knew I had allowed myself to be blinded. I knew that he honestly had no feelings for me, and no regard for mine for him. And I knew that I had to get away once and for all, and never go back. And so I did.
The pain I now feel isn't due to the fact that he has no feelings for me. Feelings are feelings and you cannot order them around. You cannot force yourself to love someone anymore than you can force yourself to breathe underwater. No matter how much you will it to be, it won't be. It can't be. I have no problem with that.
What hurts is knowing that deep down, he really is an amazing guy. But he has buried that person so deeply that not even he can find him anymore. And he is now a person who can knowingly hurt someone else. Someone who can disregard the feelings for another because it will give him the selfish satisfaction he craves.
I do not hate him. I'm not even mad at him. I truly and honestly feel sorry for him. I hope he can grow up, learn to accept that he is allowed to love himself, and learn how to love others. As one of my missionary companions told me, "You can only love others as much as you love yourself." If he can knowingly hurt me that way, what in the world is he doing to himself?
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