Here’s the question. Am I completely healthy, or completely crazy? When the man I love informed me that he couldn’t reciprocate my feelings, I wasn’t made at him. I understood, and it didn’t upset me. It hurt a little, but I could move on. When he told me the only reason he’d kissed me was because it had been awhile since he’d kissed anyone, that’s when I cried.
Is it weird that I wasn’t upset that he didn’t return the feelings? I know it’s not weird that I got upset at the semblance of being used. But is it odd that I completely understood when he told me that he didn’t love me back?
I’ve thought a little about this. I, personally, believe that I thought that, and felt that way because I’m very healthy. Even with depression, I’ve got a healthy outlook on life. I understand that feelings are feelings and you can’t order them around. If you try, you’re only going to end up destroying yourself.
So now I seem to be in this same situation that I put him in. Another guy likes me, although I doubt as much as I liked Robert (I guess it’s safe to say his name since he already knows and so does everyone else who’s in the loop), and since I still have feeling for Robert, I can’t like this guy as much as I believe he would like. (Wow, I just used the word like a LOT in that sentence!) He wants me to be over Robert before I move onto him. Which I, also, completely understand.
Here’s the problem with that. Once again, we’re discussing feelings. I can’t order myself to stop loving Robert any more than Robert could order himself to love me. Feelings are feelings. They just exist. So many times you hear people say “I don’t know what I supposed to be feeling here” or some such nonsense. You’re not supposed to be feeling anything, you just feel something. Then you need to analyze that feeling and discover what exactly it is. Sometimes it takes hardly any analyzation, and sometimes, you’re analyzing for years before you realize what it is. Either way is fine. And if something is a bad feeling, then find a happy feeling to cover it up. But never try and force yourself to feel or not feel something. The heart is a different entity than the brain and it is in control of itself.
Is it weird that I wasn’t upset that he didn’t return the feelings? I know it’s not weird that I got upset at the semblance of being used. But is it odd that I completely understood when he told me that he didn’t love me back?
I’ve thought a little about this. I, personally, believe that I thought that, and felt that way because I’m very healthy. Even with depression, I’ve got a healthy outlook on life. I understand that feelings are feelings and you can’t order them around. If you try, you’re only going to end up destroying yourself.
So now I seem to be in this same situation that I put him in. Another guy likes me, although I doubt as much as I liked Robert (I guess it’s safe to say his name since he already knows and so does everyone else who’s in the loop), and since I still have feeling for Robert, I can’t like this guy as much as I believe he would like. (Wow, I just used the word like a LOT in that sentence!) He wants me to be over Robert before I move onto him. Which I, also, completely understand.
Here’s the problem with that. Once again, we’re discussing feelings. I can’t order myself to stop loving Robert any more than Robert could order himself to love me. Feelings are feelings. They just exist. So many times you hear people say “I don’t know what I supposed to be feeling here” or some such nonsense. You’re not supposed to be feeling anything, you just feel something. Then you need to analyze that feeling and discover what exactly it is. Sometimes it takes hardly any analyzation, and sometimes, you’re analyzing for years before you realize what it is. Either way is fine. And if something is a bad feeling, then find a happy feeling to cover it up. But never try and force yourself to feel or not feel something. The heart is a different entity than the brain and it is in control of itself.
No comments:
Post a Comment