I have as of late, been thinking about personal history and my Autobiography, which I am attempting to write. This is the latest memory I have written down and I thought I would share it on here. This occurred Dec. 9, 2002 and the poem that goes along with it I wrote on October 12, 2003. The second friend in the poem is a rat by the name of Karmel that my sister had gotten for Christmas two years prior to this.
As I left the house that morning, I held Sammi extra long, believing I would never see him again. I knew he needed to be put down. He was in pain, he was blind, he was deaf, and he had lost his sense of smell. I knew he wasn’t happy anymore, but I selfishly wanted to hold on. I wanted him to stay with me. He wasn’t only my dog, my pet, he was my best friend, and confidant. He was the one who could always make me feel better. And he was to be killed today. And my parents had informed me that I couldn’t be there. So, believing it was the last time, I hugged my dog and left for school with tears in my eyes.
Halfway through school I received a note from the office telling me that my mother had called and wanted me home right after school. Thoroughly trusting that I was missing Sammi’s appointment, I went through the rest of the day, trying to guess what the reason was. But, obediently, I went home on the bus so as to make it home as soon as possible. When I got there, I was surprised to hear Sammi’s toenails clicking against the kitchen floor. I was overjoyed to hear that the appointment had been made for three o’clock and Mom had called to make sure I would make it, because she knew how much it meant to me.
I held Sammi on the way to the clinic, as we took him unknowingly to his death. I knew it was what was right for him, but I couldn’t help but see it that way. I carefully carried him into the room when our name was called and then gave him over to the nurse for her to take him into the back room. It wasn’t until I first heard him yelp that the tears finally started to flow, and flow hard. I knew his yelp of pain. I could understand him as though he were talking to me and I knew that they were hurting him. I knew he didn’t understand what they were doing. I didn’t even fully understand what they were doing. With every yelp I heard come from him, I jerked with pain as my spirit cried out for him. This is one of the times I remember most strongly feeling Dads love for me, because when he saw my pain, my dad gathered me into his arms and allowed me to cry into his chest. With every jerk of pain from me, he held me tighter, unable to help any other way. At last they brought Sammi out for me to hold as they injected him with the medication that would make him sleep forever. This was my first time ever dealing with death, and I didn’t know what to expect. But I held him and comforted him and let him comfort me as they put the needle in him and slowly drained the liquid. I petted him until he was finally still and I knew he was gone. A new bout of tears I hadn’t thought I was capable of came and my father gathered me into his arms again as I sobbed hysterically.
I suppose the hardest part of losing Sammi was not knowing if I would ever see him again. I had full faith that I would see all of my human family again. I knew that they would be there. But I didn’t know if animals would be there, and even if they were, would Sammi know me, would he come to me? I have since learned that he will be there. I know he loves me as I loved him and he was happy to go. I can picture him as a happy little puppy surrounded by people that are caring for him until I can get there to do it. I hope more than anything that he will be one of the first to greet me when I finally reach the other side.
Halfway through school I received a note from the office telling me that my mother had called and wanted me home right after school. Thoroughly trusting that I was missing Sammi’s appointment, I went through the rest of the day, trying to guess what the reason was. But, obediently, I went home on the bus so as to make it home as soon as possible. When I got there, I was surprised to hear Sammi’s toenails clicking against the kitchen floor. I was overjoyed to hear that the appointment had been made for three o’clock and Mom had called to make sure I would make it, because she knew how much it meant to me.
I held Sammi on the way to the clinic, as we took him unknowingly to his death. I knew it was what was right for him, but I couldn’t help but see it that way. I carefully carried him into the room when our name was called and then gave him over to the nurse for her to take him into the back room. It wasn’t until I first heard him yelp that the tears finally started to flow, and flow hard. I knew his yelp of pain. I could understand him as though he were talking to me and I knew that they were hurting him. I knew he didn’t understand what they were doing. I didn’t even fully understand what they were doing. With every yelp I heard come from him, I jerked with pain as my spirit cried out for him. This is one of the times I remember most strongly feeling Dads love for me, because when he saw my pain, my dad gathered me into his arms and allowed me to cry into his chest. With every jerk of pain from me, he held me tighter, unable to help any other way. At last they brought Sammi out for me to hold as they injected him with the medication that would make him sleep forever. This was my first time ever dealing with death, and I didn’t know what to expect. But I held him and comforted him and let him comfort me as they put the needle in him and slowly drained the liquid. I petted him until he was finally still and I knew he was gone. A new bout of tears I hadn’t thought I was capable of came and my father gathered me into his arms again as I sobbed hysterically.
I suppose the hardest part of losing Sammi was not knowing if I would ever see him again. I had full faith that I would see all of my human family again. I knew that they would be there. But I didn’t know if animals would be there, and even if they were, would Sammi know me, would he come to me? I have since learned that he will be there. I know he loves me as I loved him and he was happy to go. I can picture him as a happy little puppy surrounded by people that are caring for him until I can get there to do it. I hope more than anything that he will be one of the first to greet me when I finally reach the other side.
Painful Change
December 9, 2002
clinging to her father, tears running down her face,
her life changed forever.
Every yelp he makes brings a jerk from her.
Her father holds her tighter.
Her best friend is put to sleep after 16 years together
his little toenails will never be heard above her again
his little tail won’t wag for her when she comes home.
She can’t pet his head and know everything’s alright.
She’ll miss him horribly.
October 12, 2003
she clings to daddy once more, tears overflowing.
To go through it again is more painful then she thought possible.
The friend that had taken her confidant’s place
was stepped on, back broken, and died
The pain she feels now as she cries to God for help
fills her entire being with a great sense of loss
he isn’t listening, not comforting, it’s too painful for words.
She asks to have pain given her if only to bring her little friend back.
No such luck.
Riding on the wind, as fast as she can go, to the cemetery
“Help me Please!” She yells, no one hears, no one cares.
“Just a best friend, that’s all I want to comfort me when down.”
No one is listening, no one comes, she is all alone.
But then a friend comes to comfort her
and gives her the hug she’s longed for,
“You are not alone,” he whispers softly.
“You have your friends, family, and the Lord.
His spirit will guide you.”
Wrapped up in his arms, she feels love.
She believes.
December 9, 2002
clinging to her father, tears running down her face,
her life changed forever.
Every yelp he makes brings a jerk from her.
Her father holds her tighter.
Her best friend is put to sleep after 16 years together
his little toenails will never be heard above her again
his little tail won’t wag for her when she comes home.
She can’t pet his head and know everything’s alright.
She’ll miss him horribly.
October 12, 2003
she clings to daddy once more, tears overflowing.
To go through it again is more painful then she thought possible.
The friend that had taken her confidant’s place
was stepped on, back broken, and died
The pain she feels now as she cries to God for help
fills her entire being with a great sense of loss
he isn’t listening, not comforting, it’s too painful for words.
She asks to have pain given her if only to bring her little friend back.
No such luck.
Riding on the wind, as fast as she can go, to the cemetery
“Help me Please!” She yells, no one hears, no one cares.
“Just a best friend, that’s all I want to comfort me when down.”
No one is listening, no one comes, she is all alone.
But then a friend comes to comfort her
and gives her the hug she’s longed for,
“You are not alone,” he whispers softly.
“You have your friends, family, and the Lord.
His spirit will guide you.”
Wrapped up in his arms, she feels love.
She believes.
And although I don't think that friend will read this, he knows who he is. Thank you! I think you may have spiritually and emotionally saved my life that day.
Those are my thoughts.
Those are my thoughts.
1 comment:
You write very well.
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